


Red Fever

by artsypolarbear



Series: Blood Lust [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, F/F, Femslash, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, it gets cute trust me, so much fluff though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-29
Updated: 2016-02-25
Packaged: 2018-05-17 00:54:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 63,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5847568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsypolarbear/pseuds/artsypolarbear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With a fatal disease on the loose, Lexa goes out of her way to find Clarke before she gets herself infected despite knowing the blonde most likely wants her dead. But when she does find Clarke, the girl has already fallen ill. Lexa employs her minimal healing skills to try and save Clarke from a sure death, but the process of healing, both physical and emotional, is a lot more tiresome and eventful than either of them can expect.<br/>*post-Mount Weather*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The early hours of dawn were silent, as always. Sun peeked through the thick canopy, it’s rays stretching out invasively along the forest floor, warming the air and bringing to light the scene that lay in the clearing.

A group of hunters were returning from a week-long hunting trip. They were headed home with a spring in their step, for their hunt had yielded many kills and they were excited to see their families and sleep in a real bed. They followed the path they always did, which ran along a higher ridge, dipping down between two large stones to bring them into a clearing from which the village could almost be seen. This was a familiar path, one which they walked almost every day. Had they not been covered in blood themselves and bearing animal carcasses on their shoulders, they would have noticed the tangy smell of blood in the air. But they did not notice; not until they came from amidst the two stones and saw what lay in the clearing. 

The leader of the group raised his hand to halt the line of hunters behind him. Before him, he could see death wherever he looked; at least twenty men laid in the clearing, splayed and sliced to pieces, their blood dripping and covering the stones and trees as far as the eye could see. He could hear his men muttering behind him, and glanced behind to see their faces pale and eyes wide. They all recognized what had happened here; there was only one beast on this Earth which would create such a massacre and not take one bite out of it. The bodies were sliced open, not torn - it was obvious that a knife or sword had been used. Some of the corpses were eviscerated, their organs hanging out and spread along the clearing, as though something had carried them around before abandoning them altogether. There were pools of blood amidst the rocks and mosses, and a single pair of bloody footprints led into the woods where they disappeared altogether.

“This was no beast.” The leader grumbled. “We must warn the Commander. Let’s move. Now!”

The leader of the hunting pack wasted no time in taking his horse and galloping off to Polis to deliver his message. Not a day later he stood before the Commander, recounting his tale, nervous before the young woman whose presence seemed to withhold more power than any of the age-old warriors in the room combined.

“And you’re certain this was a human?”

“Yes, Commander.” 

“Red fever?”

“Looks like.”

“I do hope you had the sense to order your people to remain within the village.” Lexa drawled, laying down the knife she’d been toying with. “You are familiar with the consequences the red fever has.”

“We all are.” The man assured her. “I sent out my men to warn the nearby villages as well.”

“Good. You are dismissed. Make sure no one goes near the bodies. I’ll send out someone with you to clean it up.”

“Thank you, Commander.” The man bowed again as he rose to his feet and was escorted out of the room. Every eye now turned to Lexa, who had stood also, and was now standing before a map. 

“Shall we announce a quarantine, Commander?” 

Lexa nodded. “Yes. But his village...it’s very close to the Skaikru camp. We’ll have to warn them.”

A few of her lieutenants shifted uncomfortably at this.

“Are you sure, Commander?”

Lexa turned quickly to look at the man who had spoken. He was old, with white hair and piercing blue eyes, and she found she could not recall his name but only that he had barely spoken at all in all the years she had known him. His name was not important, either way; he was not a lieutenant of hers, but the Captain of the Western Valleys, and was thus known by his title.

“Are you questioning my word, Captain?” She asked slowly.

“No, Commander.”

“Then have you a better suggestion?”

The man’s eyes glanced around nervously. “I just think it could be wiser to let the fever take the Skaikru. Let them wipe themselves out.”

“Out of the question.” Lexa snapped. “There are too many of them. What do you think will happen once they grow tired of killing each other? I will not have bloodlusting Skaikru attacking my people, and you would not want that either.”

“Who will you send to warn them?”

“Myself.”

“Is that wise, Commander? With the fever going around?” This time the speaker was Theo, a lieutenant of hers. He was a prickly sort, snivelly and all too cowardly for her liking, but his people trusted him and she needed their trust. 

“Unlike many of you, I am immune to the fever.” Lexa reminded him. “I do not believe you are. Those of you who are, I will have duties for you. The rest...well, just stay here. Do  _ not _ contaminate yourselves. The last fever outbreak was years ago, and I will not have another. Gather all the food you can have, ration it; from now on, no one leaves the Polis unless I say so.”

“Who will be in command while you are gone, Commander?”

Lexa looked at Theo with a glare. “Indra.” She saw the man’s eyes flicker with momentary anger, and smirked.

“That is all.”

The people left the room, leaving Lexa alone altogether. When she was sure everyone was gone and that the door was shut, she let her head fall back as she let out a low groan. She had known to expect this; the blood fever always came back after great battles, after many deaths - a massacre like the Mountain was sure to have cultivated a good number of those skittering bugs which caused such a menace.

She walked out of her throne room and into the adjacent room, where she slumped into a bed with none of the grace which she usually commanded. It hadn’t even been a month since the war had been concluded and the Mountain Men killed. She, among all her lieutenants, had hoped that the fever wouldn’t emerge until a couple months later, but it seemed the fates were not in her favor.

She turned to lay on her back and stared at the ceiling. The furs on the bed tickled the skin on her back which had been exposed by her shirt riding up, and she tugged it back down. When her fingers grazed a particular spot above her hip, she froze. She never forgot the scar was there, but this time she found she had. Her fingers found the white scar, the small bump in her skin where the bug had once resided, and she shuddered at the memory of the pain. Turning to her side, she squeezed her eyes shut to get a short rest before she was to ride out again to meet the one girl she had been avoiding and thinking about ever since the battle.

 

* * *

 

They made good time and arrived at the Skaikru camp around midday two days later. She had only taken one warrior with her; a quiet, burly man named Brutus who seemed trustworthy enough. His wife was one of her highest lieutenants, and so his loyalties remained with Lexa by extension. He was one of the few who were immune to the fever, which had been one of the few reasons she’d taken him with her.

The camp looked odd as it did messy; Lexa had only seen it a handful of times, and never yet while on good terms with the Skaikru. After the war, they had established a truce between their peoples, but those negotiations had been conducted by her lieutenants while she remained in the shadows. She had been disappointed to learn that Clarke hadn’t been at the talks either. As they rode towards the main gate, the knowledge that she was most likely to see the blonde again struck fear in Lexa’s heart where it rarely resided.

“It’s the Commander!” someone in the guard towers yelled. There was a commotion amidst the people on the other side, and Lexa heard Brutus chuckle in amusement as the Skaikru scrambled inside as the gates were opened and they were let in.

She was met by Abby and Kane in the yard, where now only a few brave souls remained to watch their exchange.

“Commander Lexa.” Abby exclaimed, surprise evident in her voice. “What brings you here?”

Lexa hopped off her horse and handed it’s reins to Brutus, who moved on to stand near the gates.

“I came here to warn you.”

Kane and Abby exchanged a look, and they led her inside. She looked around, meeting curious looks from young and old ones alike as they walked through the halls, but failed to realize she was looking for someone until they entered a room and she felt disappointment hit her. She didn't know she had expected to see Clarke, not until she realized she was disappointed. The realization angered her; she could not accept the fact that one person could make her feel so much simply by their absence.

Abby remained standing while Kane offered Lexa a seat, which she declined. She did not intend to stay here long.

“What’s happened?” Abby asked.

“There has been an outbreak of red fever.” Lexa informed her. “You need to keep your people under quarantine until the outbreak has died out.”

“Red fever?” Kane exclaimed. “What’s that?”

Abby looked at him and shrugged. “I’ve never heard of it.”

“It’s a disease which usually comes some months after battles. The corpses on battlefields are a breeding ground for red centipedes, which infect their host by burrowing into their skin.” As she spoke, her hand was resting on her hip, right atop her own scar. She could still remember watching as the bug’s teeth sunk into her skin and ripped it away; the pain had been unimaginable, and she shuddered involuntarily. “The fever is severe and usually fatal, but it takes weeks for the contaminated to die. In the mean time, they begin hallucinating, and are overcome by overbearing bloodlust; in essence, they turn into monsters with their only want being blood. They will kill anything in sight; their mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters, because they must see blood. They must feel blood.”

"Surely we'd notice if a bug tried to crawl under our skin." Kane scoffed.

"They start out as smaller than a speck of dust." Lexa retorted. "And they're airborne. You won't realize you've been infected until it's too late."

“How can we fight it?” Abby asked. “And why are you here, if it’s an outbreak? Aren’t you putting yourself at risk?”

“I am immune.”

“How?”

Lexa looked the doctor in the eyes and was struck by how similar they were to Clarke’s; the same simplistic honesty bore through Abby’s eyes, although they were brown instead of blue, and Lexa faltered for just the slightest moment.

“I was infected with the fever as a child.” She told her, noticing the woman’s shock as she realized what she’d said.

“Why? How--”

“My mother believed it would make me stronger.”

“How did you survive? If it’s fatal to most?” Abby asked. “I’m a doctor, you see, and I think I should know.”

“The bug was removed from me before it got too far.” 

“It’s that simple?”

“No.” Lexa said. “It’s not simple in the least. In most cases, the bug buries itself so deep that it cannot be removed. And it has to be removed whole and alive; cutting it or maiming it will cause it to spit out all of it’s poison at once, killing it’s host immediately.”

“So we what, just stay inside the camp until it’s safe again?” Kane interjected. His arms were crossed, and it was obvious he wasn’t quite convinced it was a threat.

“Yes.”

“We can’t do that, we need food and water and--”

“Would you rather have all your people begin slicing each other open?” 

“We can contain those who have been infected.”

“A single attack, by one victim, killed twenty warriors three days ago.” Lexa snapped. “No one leaves this camp unless you want all of you to die. Recall all your men and women from the woods immediately.”

“Everyone is in camp at this moment.” Kane told her.

Abby, however, made a face. “Not Clarke.”

“What?”

“Clarke isn’t here.”

A heavy weight descended onto Lexa’s chest, and it was all she could do to not react visibly. “What do you mean?”

“She didn’t return with us to camp after the battle.”

“So she’s out there?” She asked. The amount of restraint she had to apply just to keep her composure was staggering, and she felt a slight tremble run through her core as she fought to remain impartial. She couldn’t afford herself to feel things, not now.

“Yes.”

“She’ll get infected. Where is she?”

“We don’t know.” Abby sighed. “I have to go find her.”

“You can’t.” Lexa said quickly.

“You can’t tell me what to do.” Abby snapped, glaring at Lexa in a way which actually surprised the Commander. “My daughter is out there, oblivious to the danger she’s in, and I will not just sit here--”

“You are one of the most skilled healers around.” Lexa interjected. “You will remain here. I will send out a search party to find Clarke, if you so wish. It is safer this way; if the outbreak persists, we may need your medical expertise.”

Abby continued to glare at her, but was calmed slightly when Kane’s hand pressed onto her shoulder. “Abby. She’s right.”

The woman shoved Kane’s hand away and took a few steps towards the Commander. “If Clarke is hurt, in any way...it’s on you.”

Lexa nodded. “I’ll find her myself if I have to.”

“Good, because without Clarke I won’t be sharing any of my...medical expertise.” Abby growled.

“Fair enough. A healer will be sent to your camp to make sure you know how to treat the infected. There will be some. There always is.”

With that, she turned on her heel and left the room, storming through the halls without a care of who was watching. She met Brutus at the gates and practically leaped onto her horse, and before long they were far away from the camp. Once they were beyond earshot of the camp, she pulled them to a halt.

“I want you to go to Polis and tell Indra that I will not return for a while. She knows how to contain this. She was there last time.”

“Where will you go?” Brutus asked, his voice just barely discernable from a grunt.

“It seems I have a Wanheda to find.” Lexa smirked. 

“You wish to kill her?”

“No. I have to find her.” Lexa said.  _ And save her, apparently. _ “Now go. Tell Polis I will be back and that the Skaikru have agreed to remain within their camp. And tell them to send a healer, an immune one. I promised the Wanheda’s mother I’d do so.”

“Anything else?”

“Tell them the Wanheda is not to be harmed. I want her  _ found _ , as soon as possible. Without her, the truce with the Skaikru will fail. Understood?”

The man nodded and rode off into the woods, leaving Lexa all alone. Under any other circumstances, she would have never been allowed to go anywhere alone; she was, after all, the Commander, and though most respected her there were some who did not.

She had no idea where she was supposed to find Clarke. The girl could have gone anywhere. With a month, she could have easily gotten far, even on foot. With no idea of her heading, and no trail to follow, she found herself utterly lost. 

A water droplet splashed onto her nose, and she glanced up to see grey clouds had gathered overhead. She had just enough time to pull up the hood of her cloak before the rain began falling, hammering the earth as though the heavens themselves were trying to make it melt away. She rode off into the woods in search of a place to stay for the night, knowing there was no use in drenching herself while riding with no real direction in mind.

Without even realizing, she soon found herself at the village from where the first attack had been reported. It was quiet; only a few lights could be seen from amidst the pouring rain and falling darkness, and she opted not to go in. The gates were barred, and she knew better than to demand them to be opened. Instead, she turned her horse and trotted off in search of the massacre, deciding she was as good a person as any to clean it up.

When she came to the clearing, she couldn’t help but be shocked by what she saw. Despite having seen countless battles and corpses, what she saw before her was certainly worse. The bodies, which had already begun rotting, reeked even in the falling rain. The stench was enough to make her stomach churn, but even so she got off her horse and walked over to examine the sight. The bodies were cut up with no discernable pattern, but all with the same sort of determined precision which she knew all too well. There were bloody handprints all across the clearing, on the rocks and on the trees; Lexa laid her hand over a print, noticing how it seemed to be only slightly smaller than her own. The bloody footprints, too, were about her own size; these were not the prints of a grown man, but of a young girl.

_ Please don’t let it be Clarke _ , she thought to herself as she went over to a body and lifted it. The rotting flesh came apart as she hauled it to the middle of the clearing, the remaining blood and other bodily fluids spilling all over her in the process. The smell made her feel nauseous, but she kept working, dragging and carrying the mangled corpses to the middle. She had to keep working; leaving a pile of rotting bodies like this, so close to the village, would surely result in a greater outbreak of red fever. It was crucial that the dead were burned as soon as possible to eliminate all breeding grounds from the centipedes. 

Dawn came before her job was done. In the pale light of the morning, Lexa finally tossed the last detached arm onto the pile she’d gathered. She’d gathered wood, too, piling it all around the bodies so that it could at some point be lit into a funeral pyre. The wood was too wet at the moment, and so she left it as it was and rode off, deciding to track the trail of whoever had created the massacre in the first place. It was pointless to try and look for Clarke here; she knew the girl had too much sense in her head in her to run away only to remain within a walking distance from home.

The trail was not hard to track. Every few miles or so, she’d find another mangled corpse - human or animal, it was of no matter - and the bloody footprints were relatively visible on the stones and gravel of the ground. This one’s kill pattern was growing more and more frequent, and Lexa knew they were close to their end. When she came to a stream to find a young girl, not much younger than Clarke, she was not surprised to see that they were dying. The girl was bleeding from her mouth and stomach, and her eyes told her a plea her mouth no longer could. She was desperate, terrified; the knife in the girl’s hands shook with the sheer exhaustion and pain she was in, and pity filled Lexa’s heart.

She climbed off of her horse and drew her sword as she walked towards the child. Her brown hair was matted with blood and dirt, both her own and her victims’; her entire body trembled from the cold, and tears streaked her bloodstained cheeks.

“Yu gonplei ste odon.” Lexa said softly, and a single tear slipped down her cheek as she sliced the girl’s throat with one quick lash of her sword. Blood streamed from the gash as the girl fell backwards towards the stream. Lexa caught her before she could, and laid her onto the bank instead. She was not sure whether the bugs could move in water, but was not about to let the infection spread into the people’s drinking water. With one loud gasp, the girl died in her arms, and she felt her heart wrench with pain she hadn’t expected. The girl was so small and so frail, and the fact that she’d killed so many warriors and beasts made Lexa shudder. But now, lying on the ground with her eyes closed and covered in blood, she looked like a child. Lexa had never wanted to think she’d become a child killer.

“This was a mercy.” She muttered as she picked the girl’s body up gently and carried her further into the forest, where she laid her on a bed of rocks. There, she built a fire, which served to burn the body and to warm her that night; it was no use to go any further, not now, when she had no heading. She bathed herself in the creek, gritting her teeth together as the cold invaded every cell of her being. But the cold was of no matter; she needed the smell of rotting flesh off of herself, and spent a long time rubbing her skin where it was perfectly clean just to rid herself of the stench. She slept next to the dying fire, shivering but not minding, and tried her best to rid her mind of the worry that was growing all too fast for her to contain.

The next morning, she awoke to sunshine and clear skies. Birds were singing in the trees, and the woods were dewy and a fresh green from the rain of yesterday. The remains of the funeral pyre were smoking, and Lexa scattered some of the ashes in the wind before getting on her horse and setting off. Deciding it was best to return to Polis to see if there had been any reports about Clarke, Lexa rode off quickly to it’s direction. About an hour into her ride, however, she rode past a field which she would have easily disregarded were it not for the fact that she could smell fresh blood from a mile away. She slowed down, and cautiously came to the field to find an entire crew of men and women, slain and sliced. This was a fresh kill; the bodies were still warm, and Lexa could have sworn she heard some of them groaning as she gathered them up in a pile to burn them. She knew she had to burn the bodies, because rotting flesh was where the red centipede hatched it’s eggs. The only reason for the bloodlust was to force it’s host to create breeding grounds for the critters, that much she'd learned from her short-lived healer studies.

Lexa was about to lift another body onto the pile when her eyes caught sight of a suspiciously round hole on the man’s chest. She laid the body back onto the ground, ignoring the fact that his insides spilled out all over her feet, and crouched closer to find that what she was looking at was indeed a bullet wound.

No Grounders carried guns.

Only Skaikru.

And, from what she’d understood, Clarke was the only one from the Skaikru who was still outside.


	2. Chapter 2

_Clarke._

Lexa bolted to her feet and looked around the field. These men and women couldn’t have been dead for more than half an hour, which meant Clarke couldn’t have gotten far. She whistled for her horse and climbed onto it’s back as quickly as she could, catching sight of a clear trail in the tall grass and galloping off towards it.

“Damnit, Clarke.” She muttered over and over again as she followed the bloody trail. The worry had now enveloped every cell of her being, and she felt as though she was going to be sick - but none of it mattered, she didn't let it matter, not now when Clarke was nearby and most likely dying.

She managed to contain herself enough to slow her horse to a trot when she entered the woods. Knowing Clarke was not likely to have her senses, she knew it was important she not spook the girl or warn that she was being followed. She was in no mood to receive a shower of bullets, or engage in a swordfight with Clarke - she wished it wouldn’t come to violence at all. The trail was no harder to follow, but not impossible; as she came nearer, she could hear footsteps further ahead. It seemed Clarke was running, and she decided she’d stay further behind until she came to a stop.

After about half an hour she came to a clearing, and saw what looked like a camp. Clarke was huddled up against a tree, obviously shivering, and Lexa could see the blood and grime all over her. Her blonde hair was red from all the blood, and she could not see her face from amidst the matted locks. She was staring at her hands, shining and wet from blood, and the horror in Clarke’s eyes made Lexa want to cry.

She hopped off of her horse and left it further away. She tried to be as quiet as she could, but a twig snapped under her foot and alerted Clarke to her presence. The girl’s head snapped up, and blue eyes widened in surprise when they saw and recognized her.

“Clarke.” Lexa said, trying to be as calm as possible. The girl scrambled up to her feet, her knife in hand, and eyed the clearing with panic in her eyes.

“Go away, Lexa.” Clarke hissed. “Leave me be.”

“I can’t do that.” She replied, taking a step towards the blonde. “Put down the knife.”

“Lexa, please. Go away.”

“No.”

"I don't want to hurt you."

“You won’t.”

“Please-” Clarke cried. Her knife fell to the ground as she was overcome by the fever, and she fell to her knees, clutching at her head. “I can’t control myself...”

“I know you can’t.” Lexa said calmly. “You’re sick.”

“I’m a monster,” The girl sobbed.

“You’re sick, Clarke, not a monster.”

“I killed all those people. All that blood--”

Lexa looked around and realized there was no way she could get Clarke to succumb without a fight.

“Just go, Lexa.” Clarke spat. “I don’t want to kill you too.”

“No.”

Clarke raised her gun and aimed it at her. “Please don’t make me shoot you. I don’t _want_ to cut you up.”

Lexa clenched her jaw and stared into Clarke’s eyes, trying to find any glimmer of recognition. But a darkness passed across the clear blue, and she managed to duck just in time to dodge the bullet which Clarke fired at her. This was no longer Clarke, but the fever, which was controlling her actions. Lexa darted behind a tree as another shot was fired at her, and breathed deeply. From what she’d seen in the field, it was unlikely that Clarke had many bullets left. Sure enough, after another shot she heard the gun click to signal it’s emptiness, and stepped out in sight.

“Clarke, please.” One of her hands rested on the hilt of her sword, the other stretched out in front in an attempt to keep Clarke where she was.

The girl just gritted her teeth and glared. Since she made no attempt to attack her, Lexa stepped closer. That turned out to be a bad choice, as Clarke immediately lashed at her with a knife in hand, the blade just barely scraping Lexa’s thigh as she moved away. She pushed Clarke away from herself, and as she did she saw the fire in her eyes. In an instant she realized that it would take a fight to get Clarke to stand, decided to take another approach. Clarke was already weak because of the fever; she was not going to add to that weakness by exhausting her in a fight.

“Fine. I’ll go.” She muttered, turning on her heel and running away. She heard Clarke whimper, but refrained from looking back despite the fact that her heart was aching for her to do just that. When she reached her horse, she scrambled to get a bottle of sedative from the bag. She kept it there in case of emergencies, though she had yet to ever use it. She poured a hefty amount of it onto a piece of cloth, which she tucked into her belt as she quietly crept around the clearing so that she’d be able to catch Clarke off her guard.

She could never leave Clarke. No, she had only made it seem like so to ensure the girl wouldn’t fight her when she came. She had to surprise her in order to succeed.

She waited for just the right moment for quite some time, watching Clarke from afar. She watched as Clarke cried for a long while, curled up in a ball in the middle of the clearing, rocking herself back and forth while trying to soothe herself. Lexa would have given anything to be there, to have Clark allow her to help; but she knew Clarke most likely hated her. She had to remind herself of that, especially when she thought back to what Clarke had said.

_I don't want to hurt you._

Lexa told herself that it was just Clarke's inherent goodness speaking. It did not stem from any residual feelings. It could not, not after what Lexa had done at Mount Weather. Clarke may have still held a special portion of her heart, but to think the feeling was mutual was foolishness. How could it, after Lexa had forced her to kill the boy she loved and then betrayed her trust?

But there was reason for all the things she had done. If she had let Finn live, her own stance as the Commander would have been weakened. She hadn't had any choice. It had been the same at Mount Weather; she  _had_ to put her people first, because they were her people and she was their leader. No matter what fleeting feelings she might have had for Clarke couldn't be let to influence her actions, not when the lives of her people were at stake. She had accepted the fact that she had betrayed Clarke, accepted the thought that Clarke would never want to see her again; but here she was, trying to save her from a sure death sentence, feeling every bit as infatuated as she had so many times before. 

"Get it together." She mumbled to herself. But she couldn't. She had tried too many times, but it seemed that Clarke was the one thing that caused all her intricately built walls to crumble down into dust by simply existing. She didn't even have to do anything; just being there, being herself, was enough to make all of Lexa's defenses break down. And she hated it.

When evening crept in, the blonde seemed to calm down enough to get up and wander around, muttering to herself in what Lexa could only decipher as a feverish frenzy. She stood slowly and crept down the ridge, hiding behind a tree as she waited for Clarke to walk past. When she did, Lexa wasted no time to jump out and grab her. Clarke didn't even have time to register what was going on before her mouth was covered by the rag while an arm wrapped around her waist, her entire body pulled up close to Lexa's.

“I’m sorry, Clarke.” Lexa whispered as the blonde fought for breath. She struggled against her, her hands ripping at Lexa's arms, but Lexa just held her tighter and kept the rag against her mouth, feeling disgusted and sick at what she was doing. A long moment later, the girl relaxed in her arms, and she pulled the cloth away to be able to catch Clarke’s unconscious body as it fell. She was surprisingly light, and Lexa was easily able to pick her up and carry her over to where a sleeping bag was already laid out and put her there. The sedative would keep her knocked out for a good few hours, which would be just enough time for her to figure out what to do.

She felt Clarke’s forehead and cringed as she felt the heat emanating from her clammy, sweaty skin. Her complexion was yellowy and sick, and Lexa now saw how ragged the girl’s breath was. She was not a skilled healer, but she knew how to get rid of the bug; what came after depended entirely on the fates.

Carefully as she could, Lexa pulled Clarke’s shirt upwards to try and find the bug. Most often they attached themselves to stomachs or thighs, and so she looked there. Undressing Clarke, even doing as little as moving her shirt up felt like a gross violation of her privacy, and Lexa found herself cringing at the slightest movement the blonde did as she ran her fingers up and down the girl’s skin in search of the centipede.

When it came clear that Clarke’s front did not have the bug, she carefully flipped the blonde over and pulled her shirt upwards. Seeing the bloody gash on Clarke’s lower back felt like a punch to her chest, and Lexa had to fight back the nausea which overwhelmed her being as she noticed the centipede squirming beneath Clarke’s skin. The skin over the gash and the bug was thin and film-like, pale red and swollen. She could easily see the bug's body through the skin, and vomit came up into her mouth so fast she almost threw up. She didn't, however, and fought to swallow it down as she kept examining the parasite. She noted the fact that the bug was very close to the surface, and in a place which was relatively easy to access. Hopeful feelings arose in Lexa’s chest as she stood up to go build up a fire and get her pack.

“I’m sorry, Clarke.” She muttered again, more to herself than to the unconscious girl. She knew what she had to do to heal Clarke, and knew the girl was in for a world of pain. But that was the only way to save her.

And Lexa was not about to let Clarke die.


	3. Chapter 3

Clarke awoke to infernal pain emanating from her lower back. She tried to scream, but her cries were muffled by a gag in her mouth. Panic rising in her chest, she tried to move, but found that she was tightly bound onto a log, her hands in front of her and her feet behind her as she lay on her stomach. Her shirt was gone, and the chilly air touched the bare skin of her back and caused her to shiver. Her head was throbbing in pain, and she still felt groggy from whatever it had been that Lexa had used to knock her out. As she tried to look around, the world around her spun, and squeezed her eyes shut to make the spinning stop.

“Stay still, Clarke.” Lexa snapped. She had known to expect Clarke to wake up once she started cutting into her skin, but she hadn’t realized how strong the girl was. Even in her significantly weakened state, she had jerked around enough to cause her hand to waver and cut her in the wrong place where she was now pressing a bandage to stop the bleeding. Clarke just cried and tried to move away from the pain, clearly not able to control her actions.

“Clarke, please.” Lexa groaned. The girl refused to listen, and so Lexa stood and climbed on top of her so that she sat on top of her upper back, her legs on either side of Clarke’s body. The weight of her body was enough to keep Clarke immobile, and she sighed in relief when she realized she could contain Clarke.

The bug was there, beneath Clarke’s skin, unaware of Lexa’s intentions as of yet. Her knife was sharpened to it’s sharpest, and she had a fire going with another knife heating up for when she needed to close up the cut. She had no anaesthetic to offer to Clarke, no relief to the world of pain she’d be experiencing in just a moment. Her hand hovered over Clarke’s skin, and for a moment Lexa hesitated. She ran a finger around the infected cut, as gently sa she could, and wished she didn't have to do what she knew she had to. She did not want to hurt Clarke. The thought of pressing a knife to her skin, of giving her the pain she knew herself all too well, made her feel sick. Just tying her up, taking off her shirt and baring her to be so vulnerable had made her feel disgusted at herself. She had had to force herself to put the gag in her mouth. It all pained her, but she didn’t let herself think that, because she knew that Clarke’s pain was infinitely greater than her own.

“I’m so sorry, Clarke.” She whispered for the third time as she pressed the knife down and cut into the infected skin. Clarke screamed and tried to move away, but Lexa’s weight on her and the restraints kept her stationary. She was blinded by pain as Lexa continued to slice her open, making a cut long enough that she’d be able to get the critter out.

Blood and pus oozed out of the cut as Lexa’s knife slid along Clarke’s skin. Lexa could feel Clarke trembling with pain beneath her, and tried her best to tune out the muffled screams and sobs which were making her heart to hurt so much she thought she’d be the one to die. The cut reeked of infected flesh and death, and Lexa had to swallow down some vomit which had risen to her throat as she looked at the half-foot long centipede burrowed into Clarke’s flesh.

She had seen these bugs taken out a handful of times, and saw now that she was in luck; it was not properly burrowed, not properly attached as of yet. It wasn’t even a week old judging by it’s size. There was still time to save Clarke.

Biting her tongue to silence her own disgust, she slid her fingers into the cut, causing Clarke to scream at the top of her lungs. She wrapped her fingers around the bug, feeling it try and squirm away as she slid the knife along the bottom, cutting it’s legs off one by one until all that was left were it’s teeth, which were clenched around Clarke’s flesh. Lexa grabbed a bottle of alcohol and poured it into the cut, causing Clarke to cry out in pain as the alcohol burned the cut like acid. The bug was suddenly drowned in liquid and released it’s hold of Clarke’s muscle, and Lexa yanked it out with one quick pull. With another quick motion, the bug was sliced in half and tossed to the side with disgust, leaving Clarke whimpering in residual pain as Lexa tried to regain her senses.

She was overwhelmed with relief. The worst and hardest part was over. Clarke was sobbing beneath her, shaking from the sheer pain, and Lexa had to force herself to continue the torture despite the fact that all she wanted to stop Clarke’s pain. One by one, she extracted the legs from Clarke’s flesh using her fingers. Each leg was burrowed in deep like a thorn, and after she pulled one out Clarke would whimper audibly in protest. She stopped each time to give Clarke the time to regain herself, and after a few times she began rubbing her back soothingly in between cuts.

“It’s okay.” She mumbled, more to herself than the girl beneath her. “I’m almost done.”

Once she really was done, she cleaned the cut out with pure alcohol. The cut was long but not too deep, and she knew it would heal in time. Clarke screamed with each movement, each cut, each drop of alcohol which touched her skin, and each scream felt to Lexa like the lash of a whip. But she had to keep going.

When she got up to fetch the hot blade, she saw momentary relief in Clarke’s eyes and felt pity. When the girl saw her returning with the red hot blade, she tried to scramble away, fear emerging in her chest. Lexa tore her eyes away from Clarke’s face to avoid seeing the pleas in those blue eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Clarke.” She whispered. A tear slipped down her cheek as she pressed the blade onto Clarke’s skin and felt her jolt from the pain. The hot blade hissed and Clarke screamed into her gag, and Lexa cried silently as she burned the cut shut. The instant she was done, she threw the blade aside and crumbled atop Clarke, not caring that the girl could see her outburst. She had held it in long enough, but there was a limit as to how much even the Commander could withstand. Harming Clarke was far beyond that limit; making her cry and shake in pain was even further than that, and it was a miracle that she had lasted even that long.

She could not recall the last time she had cried. She had blinked back tears many a time, lately often because of Clarke, but actually allowing tears to fall was not something Lexa let happen. Not after the last time her heart had shattered.

Not after Costia.

But there she was, kneeling beside Clarke’s shaking body, her head resting against the girl’s bare back as her own body trembled with the sobs that fought their way through her chest. It took a while for her to stop them, and a while more for her to realize that it was drizzling and that Clarke’s shaking was no longer just because of pain. It was cold, she realized that now, and she wiped her tears away and went to throw some more wood into the fire to make sure it didn’t die out.

Slowly, carefully, she cut Clarke loose from the log and wrapped the girl up in a blanket. She didn’t untie Clarke’s hands and legs, knowing it would be some time until the hallucinations and bloodlust stopped. She picked her up carefully, trying to avoid moving her too much to keep her as painless as possible, and carried her over next to the fire where she set her down against a rock. The girl’s eyes were shut, and Lexa figured she was unconscious. But when she went to remove the gag, she glanced up to see blue eyes staring into hers, brimming with tears and full of hurt.

“I’m sorry, Clarke.” She mumbled, shifting her eyes away in shame. She crumpled the gag up in her hands and noticed them trembling. Trying to get her mind off of everything else, she reached over for Clarke's shirt.

"Hold out your hands." She spoke softly, though there was no hint in her voice that this was not a request but an order. She untied the ropes for just a moment, and helped the shirt onto Clarke's torso before tying them again. "This is for your own safety, Clarke." 

"Why?"

"If you kill me then you will die." Lexa said curtly.

“Lexa...” Clarke whimpered. Her voice was hoarse from the crying and the screaming, and she trembled again as she fought to ignore the infernal pain. "Why did you hurt me?”

Lexa moved away from her to get some more wood for the fire. “You’re sick. I was healing you.”

Clarke pulled the blanket tighter around herself and leaned against the log, grimacing in pain. There were beads of sweat on her forehead, and Lexa cringed as she realized the fever was still wrecking her from the inside and burning her up. The girl was spent from the illness and her torment, and it didn’t take long for her eyes to flutter shut and her head to fall down to rest against her chest. Lexa sighed and went over to lay Clarke down on her side onto the sleeping bag, draping a few more blankets over the girl to ensure she remained warm and comfortable. She then sat nearby, leaned against a tree and sighed again. Her stomach was churning at the sight before her; Clarke was so frail, so small, so spent and it hurt Lexa to see her like that. Every now and then, she would tremble in her sleep, and the tears that streaked her blood-stained face were all too visible to Lexa. In her head, she cursed every god known to man that they’d allow this to happen, and wanted to cause a world of pain to the cause of Clarke’s pain. But the cause of Clarke’s pain was a bug, a nothing, and hurting it wouldn’t do anything to help Lexa’s pain.

The bug was still discarded at the side, and she quickly realized she had to do something with it before it dried up. She groaned as she got up, having not realized her muscles were sore from days of riding, and padded over to where she’d tossed the critter.

She pulled out a small vial from her medical pack and ran her knife along the bug’s side, collecting every drop of it’s green blood into the vial. On it’s own, it was toxic, but it was the most important ingredient to use when healing someone with red fever. She sent out a silent thanks to Anya and her persistence that Lexa learn the basics of healing. It had been gruesome then, but it was now being put into good use.

She mixed a few other ingredients from different vials until the green liquid was a murky brown and then crawled over to wake up Clarke. The girl awoke with a yelp, and got up so quickly the pain in her cut emerged like a shock, and for a while she just gasped for air while the blinding whiteness of pain receded from her eyes. Lexa eyed her carefully, afraid to even touch her, and waited for her pain to pass.

“You have to drink this.” Lexa said, pushing the vial towards Clarke. The blonde looked up at her and Lexa saw an unrecognizable look in her eyes.

“Go away.” Clarke hissed.

Lexa clenched her jaw and sighed. “No.”

Clarke sighed. “Lexa, please-” Her voice was panicked now, and Lexa noticed her hands were grasping at the air between them. She withdrew the vial and pocketed it, eyeing Clarke carefully.

“What…”

“Lexa, please, I can’t.” The girl whimpered. It was then that Lexa noticed her fingers were ripping at the skin of her other hand, trying to get to the blood that lay underneath.

“Clarke, stop.” She said quickly, placing her hands atop Clarke’s to stop her.

“I can’t.” Clarke whimpered. “I have to-”

“You can.”

“I can’t. Please, just go away, before I--” Clarke groaned as another wave of shudders ran through her body. “Please.”

Lexa was not even listening to her pleas anymore. “You need to feel blood, don’t you?”

Clarke bit her lip and nodded, tears running down her cheeks. “I can’t do this, Lexa. Just go away before I hurt you.”

Lexa grumbled at Clarke as she rose to her knees. She took her knife from her belt with one hand and rolled her shirt up with another, exposing her stomach to Clarke. She then shoved the knife into Clarke’s bound hands, enclosing them within her own, and looked her in the eyes.

“You need to see blood, but you don’t have to kill.” Lexa told Clarke. There was fear in the girl’s eyes, and Lexa recognized it all too well; she could still recall the terror she’d felt when she had been the one wanting to feel and see the blood. She bit her lip and pressed Clarke’s hands downwards, dragging the knife along her skin and cutting through. It hurt, but she was determined not to show it. Once the cut was a few inches long, she let go of Clarke’s hands and took the knife away.

“There.” She breathed, trying to ignore the stinging pain.

Clarke’s eyes gleamed as she lifted a finger to the cut. Lexa couldn’t help but hiss as the blonde ran her finger along the cut, gathering the blood onto it and marveling at the sight. It was bizarre to say the least, but Lexa knew this would help her regain her senses.

After a while, Clarke’s eyes cleared, and concern filled them as she realized what Lexa had done.

“Why--” She gasped, eyeing Lexa carefully. Lexa took that as her cue and grabbed a bandage from her bag which she wrapped around her torso.

“It’s to heal you.” She said curtly. “I needed you to be sensible enough to drink this.”

Clarke took the vial which was offered to her, and looked at Lexa in confusion. “What is it?”

There was a slur in her voice, which Lexa knew was because of the exhilaration seeing blood had caused. She recalled how drunk she had felt when she had seen the red blood oozing from cuts, how her head had literally swam in waves of pleasure and exhilaration.

“It’ll heal you.” She told Clarke. “Drink.”

Clarke did as told and drank the liquid, grimacing at it’s foul taste.

“You should sleep.” Lexa said softly.

Clarke grimaced as she laid back down onto the sleeping bag. “I don’t think I can.” She whispered.

“Why not?”

“It hurts.”

Lexa sighed and moved over to sit against the log so that Clarke’s head was near her. “It’ll be fine. Sleep.”

Clarke closed her eyes and tried to settle more comfortably, whimpering as the pain ran through her body. Lexa grimaced when she heard her pain, and wished she could end it somehow, or even ease it; but she knew she couldn’t, and so she stared into the fire and listened to Clarke’s ragged breathing become more even as she fell asleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for the kudos and comments!

_ Clarke dreamt of blood. All she could see when she closed her eyes was blood, dripping, pouring, oozing from bodies and through skin. She was not afraid, not in the slightest; she was excited, running her hands through the blood and feeling it on her skin, smelling the tangy scent of iron and tasting it in her mouth as she breathed in the air. The sky above her was dark red, and droplets of bright red blood fell from the heavens, covering the whole world in the delicious liquid. The whole landscape her was painted red with the blood of a thousand men, and she felt like she was on top of the world. _

_ “Clarke.” _

_ Clarke whirled around in the puddle of blood and saw Lexa. The Commander was standing amidst the bodies, in the pouring red rain, but not a single droplet of blood was visible on her person. Her eyes bore into Clarke’s, and she shuddered at the look that was in them. Clarke opened her mouth, tried to speak, but only blood dribbled out when there should have been words. She tried to walk closer, to reach Lexa, but each step she took caused the brunette to disappear further away. Her feet slipped in the blood, and she fell down to her knees. What had just moments ago been an exciting, exhilarating scene, was now a terrifying one. The eyes of the dead seemed to gouge at her, crying out their pain and ripping at her soul, while the blood that had just seconds ago been so satisfying now struck fear to her heart. She tried to scramble up and away, towards Lexa, but found that the brunette was gone... _

“Lexa!”

Lexa jumped when she heard Clarke cry out her name, and turned to look at the blonde. She was wide awake, sitting up, her breathing heavy and erratic. In the hazy light of the morning, she could see Clarke’s eyes were wide with terror, and shifted closer to her thinking it would soothe her.

“I’m here.” She said quietly. Clarke jumped at the sound of her voice, and Lexa grunted when her bound hands collided with her stomach with a surprising amount of force.

“Oh my god, Lexa--” Clarke gasped as she realized she’d just punched her. “I didn’t..”

Lexa sighed. “It’s fine. I startled you.”

Clarke gasped as the cut on her back reminded her of it’s existence, and she fell backwards onto the ground, groaning in pain. Lexa stared at her, unsure of what she should do, and did nothing. She saw how Clarke clenched her jaw and gritted her teeth, tensing up her body to stop the shaking and the trembles which were racking up her core. Carefully, she reached out and placed a hand on Clarke’s forehead, and felt the hotness against her skin.

“You’re burning up.” She stated. “That’s good. You’re fighting the poison.”

“I need blood.” Clarke mumbled. Her eyes were half-shut, and Lexa looked at her with a concerned expression.

“Now?”

Clarke grunted. “Soon.”

Lexa stood up and grabbed some rope. “I’ll go hunt. Stay here.” Before Clarke could even notice, the rope had been wound around her already bound hands and around the tree beside her, effectively keeping her in place.

“What if something comes and tries to kill me?” She asked weakly.

“You scream.” Lexa stated simply as she walked into the woods.

She returned a while later carrying a live rabbit in her hands. A hungry gleam passed over Clarke’s face as she gave her a knife and the rabbit, and Lexa found she was unable to tear her eyes away from Clarke as she sliced the animal open. She did not drink the blood, did not have a taste for it - Lexa knew from memory that the yearning was for touching of the blood, for seeing it flow over your fingers, not for drinking it in a vampiric fashion.

Soon enough, the gleam passed away from Clarke’s eyes and disappointment set in as she saw the blood on her hands.

“How could you let me?” She whimpered, looking at Lexa.

“If I didn’t, you’d hurt yourself. Don’t worry, the urge will get smaller as time passes.”

“How do you know?”

Lexa looked at her and found she was unable to conceal her feelings to the extent she wanted. “I’ve been where you are now.”

"And where is that?"

"What?"

“What’s wrong with me?”

Lexa kneeled before Clarke and eyed her carefully. “You were infected by a parasite.”

“But...the blood?”

“Caused by the parasite. And your fever.”

“So what you did….”

“I’m sorry, Clarke, I did what I had to do.”

“Seems like you always do what you  _ have _ to do.” Clarke muttered. Lexa flinched and stood back up, taking the rabbit from her. She clenched her jaw and refused to speak again, turning her attentions instead into turning the sliced up rabbit into a manageable meal for the two of them. Looking at Clarke, it was obvious the girl hadn’t eaten in a long while. She was all skin and bones, and her eyes looked hollow - whether it was from the fever or from hunger, she wasn’t so sure. A few minutes after she’d started preparing the meal she saw Clarke had fallen asleep again. The blanket had fallen to the side, and so she walked over and draped it over Clarke again, making sure she was warm and comfortable before going away again. 

She thought Clarke was asleep, of course.

But she wasn’t, not entirely. She could certainly feel the blanket being draped over her, and the gentle touch of Lexa’s hand on her shoulder. It lingered there for just a breath, and for the duration of that breath Clarke’s heart seemed to stop; but then it slipped away, and Clarke opened her eyes just slightly to see Lexa moving back over to her side of the fire.

This time, when she closed her eyes, she did not dream of blood. 

She slept soundly, like a little babe,  and dreamt of happier days.

 

* * *

 

Lexa watched Clarke sleep and thought. She wasn’t so sure what she should do now; Clarke was not strong enough to be moved, but she knew she wasn’t skilled enough to be sure she wouldn’t kill Clarke by accident. The girl was sick and weak, and the fever was sure to persist at least for another week. From what she could recall of her own illness, she knew that the lust for blood was the first to go - most likely, it would end by nightfall of that very day. The fever, on the other hand, was just as deadly and dangerous as the bug’s poison, and Lexa knew that if she couldn’t contain Clarke’s temperature that she would surely die.

The stew was brewing slowly over the fire, and she eyed the skies warily. Grey clouds were gathering overhead again, and she knew it would be raining soon. She glanced around in an attempt to find any shelter, and her eyes fell on Clarke’s backpack.

In it, she found a tent, and after a little bit of struggling she managed to set it up. The first droplets were already falling when she went to wake Clarke. 

“Clarke.” Lexa whispered, shaking her shoulder gently. “Wake up.”

The girl, however, did not wake up, only muttered something in her sleep and grabbed Lexa’s hand, effectively trapping it against her chest. Lexa blushed and tried to wriggle herself free, but Clarke’s hold was as tight as it was strong.

“Clarke.” She said again, but to no avail. It was raining properly now, and she had to get Clarke into the tent before she got wet. Sighing heavily, she wrapped her free arm around Clarke’s shoulder and half carried, half dragged her to the tent, where she laid her down as gently as she could. Clarke’s hold of her hand was still tight, and she looked at her face to see the pained, feverish expression had been replaced by a content smile. Her hand was pressed against Clarke’s chest, covered by Clarke’s own hands, and she could feel her heart beat steadily beneath her fingertips. If she had tried, she could have certainly wrenched herself free. But, for some reason, Lexa found she did not want to move. And so, she sat beside Clarke’s sleeping form, her hand still against her chest, and leaned back against the tree that stood right outside the tent. Rain fell from the skies and battered the earth, hammering against the thin fabric of the tent, but inside they were safe and warm. They had blankets and water, and Lexa realized she did not care much for the fact that her pitiful attempt at stew was flooded with rainwater. All she cared for was the girl next to her; the sounds of her breathing, the feel of her heart in her chest, her very existence, it all mattered more to Lexa than she wanted to admit.

After some time, she felt Clarke’s pulse quicken beneath her fingers, and looked to her to find a pained expression on her sleeping face. She was squirming now, sweat beading up on her forehead as she fought an unseen enemy in her sleep. 

“Clarke.” Lexa called out to her, trying to wake her up. “Clarke!”

With a start, Clarke’s eyes burst open, and she breathed heavily for a few seconds before turning her eyes to Lexa. A confused expression spread onto her face, and her eyes flickered to glance at Lexa’s hand, still enclosed within her own against her chest. Her face flushed and she let go quickly, and Lexa withdrew her hand carefully.

“I’m fine.” Clarke muttered as she turned to her side, facing away from Lexa. That side hurt more, as the ground pressed into her wound, but she refused to turn back and look Lexa in the eye. Lexa wanted to say something, and her mouth hung open for a fleeting moment, but finding she had nothing to say she pursed her lips and sighed.

Clarke tried to go back to sleep, tried to forget about the flip her stomach had made when she’d realized Lexa’s hand was in hers. She really tried, squeezing her eyes shut and forcing herself to remain still, but it did not work. Her pulse was racing, and she felt nauseous and hungry and so exhausted she couldn’t even move, but still she could not sleep.

She was haunted by Lexa. She had been ever since Mount Weather, or even before that; ever since she had forced herself to pull away from the kiss and lie to her. She hadn’t wanted to break the kiss, anything but that; but she had thought she couldn’t risk it. And she had thought she had made the right choice - after all, Lexa betrayed her only days later, showing her just how foolish she would have been to truly trust her.

But Clarke knew better than to let herself accept that Lexa had betrayed her out of spite, out of evil. She of all people knew the amount of hard choices being a leader forced one to make, and had grown to realize and understand that Lexa hadn’t had any other choice than to accept the offer when it had been given to her. Had it been Clarke in that same position, she knew she would have made the same choice.

_ You worry about your people, and I’ll worry about mine. _

She had spent a long month in the woods alone, trying to come into terms with what she had done. She hadn’t been able to go back into the camp after the Mountain because she had been ashamed. Killing all those people, all those innocents, had taken a great toll on her, and she now felt like she no longer deserved to be treated like the hero everyone seemed to see her as. She was no hero. There were no heroes, no villains, only humans who did what they had to do to survive. She knew that, accepted that, and yet found herself cringing at the thought of having to face her mother after what she had done.

Amidst the mess that was her mind was another mess, caused entirely by Lexa. Clarke did not know what to think of her. As Commander, she was cold and calculating, distant and ruthless; but as Lexa, she had such depth which Clarke found she could not resist. The girl was intriguing to say the least, and Clarke could not deny the fact that she was extremely appealing to look at. The way a simple glance made her heart jump was more than enough proof to her that she was still enamored with Lexa. And here she was, sick and possibly dying, being saved by Lexa.

Again.

_ Not everyone. Not you. _

Clarke hadn’t forgotten the way Lexa’s eyes had looked when she had said those words; the sheer hope, the fear, the care which her eyes had held for her had been so overwhelming she remembered her mind simply melting away. She had never thought Lexa would be afraid of anything, but in that moment, she had seen the fear and it had shocked her.

When she had seen Lexa appear in her camp and felt the churning want for blood in her gut, she had panicked. The fear that she would hurt this woman, this girl who she cared for so, had been overwhelming, and she had tried to get her to leave with all her might. But the determination in Lexa’s eyes, the persistence that her voice held when she told her ‘no’ over and over again had struck a new feeling into Clarke’s heart. Even now, laying on her side with her back turned to Lexa, she could feel her looking at her. She felt safe with Lexa there. She felt like she was dying, like her insides were burning her from inside out, but somehow Lexa’s presence made all that a little less terrifying.

And so she swallowed her pride and turned to lay on her other side, sighing in relief as the throbbing pain in her lower back eased. Lexa looked at her patiently, as though she was waiting for her to speak, and Clarke met her eyes carefully. She breathed deeply and held out her hand to Lexa without a word, only a silent plea in her eyes. She didn’t need to speak. After a while of staring in confusion, Lexa shuffled closer and placed her hand into Clarke’s, allowing the blonde to pull it in closer and hold their interlocked hands to her chest. Clarke knew she was displaying weakness and looking idiotic, but she didn’t care. She wanted to sleep and having Lexa close made her racing heart calm down. Her hand was calloused but still surprisingly soft, and Clarke felt a warmth spread through her chest as she felt Lexa’s thumb slowly drawing circles on the back of her hand. She didn’t dare look up at Lexa, for fear of what she would see; she wasn’t sure she was ready, not yet.

For now, she was content just lying silently next to Lexa, holding her hand. She did not want to talk, not now when she was so tired even forming a coherent thought seemed an impossible feat.


	5. Chapter 5

When Clarke woke up again, she found Lexa’s hand was still in hers. As she blinked her eyes to regain her sight, she saw that Lexa was asleep as well - she was curled up in a ball, her chin resting on her knees, one arm holding her knees to her chest while the other was in Clarke’s arms. It looked like an incredibly uncomfortable position to sleep in, and Clarke wasn’t sure she was asleep at all. She was so still, so quiet, and because her face was hidden by her knees and a mass of brown hair, she had no idea whether her eyes were closed. But then she shifted slightly and caused the girl to jump awake.

“Morning.” She muttered as she let go of Lexa’s hand and tried to get up. The wound on her back had dried up and was beginning to scab over, and every movement made the tight skin jolt with incredible pains. Even so, she forced herself up and to her feet. The rain outside appeared to have halted, and miraculously enough the fire was still going, although it was only a few dying flames amidst soaked sticks.

Lexa stood also, eyeing Clarke carefully, and allowed her some privacy by concerning herself with the stew which was now very watery but still relatively edible. They ate in silence, exchanging furtive looks every now and then, but neither of them dared to voice the thoughts in their minds.

“How are you feeling, Clarke?” Lexa finally asked.

Clarke shrugged and put on a brave face. “Fine.”

But she wasn’t, not really. She was freezing cold, and shaking from the fever; she was simultaneously sweating and shivering, hot and cold, and that was just the fever itself. The pain in her back was enormous and constant, and it was impossible to ignore. Her body felt weak, and her mind did too - just the thought of what she’d done, how many she’d killed, made her feel sick to her stomach.

Lexa eyed her carefully and shook her head. “You’re not fine.”

Clarke glared at her in a sudden fit of anger. “Why do you care, anyway?”

“Because I care about you.” Lexa muttered, tossing a stick into the fire.

She heard Clarke inhale sharply, and looked up to see anger flaring up in her eyes.

“How?" Clarke exclaimed. "If you care for me, then how could you do what you did?”

Lexa let out a shaky breath and let Clarke continue. Her anger was reasonable and not uncalled for, and she had known to expect this. There was no reason for her to try and stop Clarke's anger; she deserved every bit of it. 

“How could you betray my trust like that?” Clarke’s voice broke, and she bit her tongue to stop herself from crying.

“I did what I-”

“-had to do, I know.” The blonde finished for her. “But I...I thought you cared, Lexa.”

“I did. I do.”

“Then how could you betray me?”

“I had to, Clarke. If I had chosen your people over mine, the Coalition would have rebelled against me and I would have started another war. I couldn’t afford that. I can’t afford that, not when I’ve sacrificed so much to get the Coalition to exist in the first place.” Lexa snapped. "Besides, if the Coalition breaks, there is no saying whether your people would be safe. Not all clans are as...accepting as I am."

Clarke watched her carefully, unsure of what she should say. “I’m sorry.”

Lexa’s brows furrowed and she looked at Clarke in surprise. “Sorry?”

“I didn’t realize that you...that it was so complicated.”

“It is what it is.” Lexa sighed. She tossed another stick into the fire and fixed her eyes on the flames, feeling Clarke’s eyes on her.

“There you go again with your stupid walls.” Clarke grumbled. Lexa looked up at her with an unintentional glare, and grimaced when she saw Clarke flinch upon seeing her face.

“I’m sorry, Lexa, but it’s true. You don’t let yourself get attached to anything, and it makes you infuriatingly cold.” Clarke continued.

“I let myself get attached to you. Look where that got me.” Lexa spat. Her eyes were fixed on the fire again, and this time she was determined not to look up. But then she heard a thud, and silence, and looked up to see Clarke on the ground, seemingly unconscious, her bowl rolling on it's side down the hill. She was on her feet before she even realized it, and by Clarke’s side within seconds.

“Clarke!” She cried, slapping the blonde’s face gently and shaking her by the shoulder. “Clarke, are you okay?”

The blonde groaned and turned to her side to spit out some blood. Lexa’s heart grew cold when she saw the blood dribbling from Clarke’s mouth and the hazy, unfocused look in her eyes, and instantly grabbed her medical pack. Clarke’s breath was wheezing now, as though she was fighting for air - Lexa recognized that all too well, and knew she had only moments before Clarke's airway closed up completely with the blood. Her hands were shaking as she tried to find the right vial, and for a moment she struggled to get the cap off. When she did, she yanked Clarke’s head back and forced the vial’s contents down her throat, clamping her hand over the girl’s mouth to prevent her from spitting it out. Clarke was too weak to even fight her, and Lexa carefully pulled her head into her lap as she waited for the medicine to take effect. Her hands held Clarke’s head, her fingers lacing through those blonde locks as she waited, and she wasn’t surprised to feel tears wetting her cheeks.

“Come on, Clarke.” She muttered angrily as she grabbed the blonde’s clammy hand and squeezed it tightly. “Don’t you dare die on me.” Clarke’s skin was cold and sweaty, and her blue eyes were half-open, unseeing and hazy. Lexa bit her lip and fought the sobs, determined to stay strong so that Clarke didn’t have to be. With each passing moment, her heart grew colder, and Lexa found herself praying - to who, to what, she did not know. She just wanted Clarke to live.

Clarke had to live.

After what felt like ages, Clarke drew in a raspy breath and her eyes fluttered open. Lexa let out a relieved sigh, and leaned over Clarke to properly look at her face, unable to keep the relieved smile from her lips. She looked worse for wear, and there was blood smeared all around her mouth, but she was still as beautiful as ever and alive.

Clarke’s brows furrowed when she saw the tears in Lexa’s eyes and realized her head was in her lap. “Weren’t we fighting?” She croaked, soliciting a gentle laugh from the brunette. A bottle of water was brought to her lips, and she drank eagerly to get rid of the taste of vomit and blood in her mouth. Lexa then wetted a rag and wiped Clarke’s mouth with it, getting rid of every last bit of blood and vomit as carefully as she could. Clarke watched her as she did this, wondering how the cold Commander could be so different from the gentle, careful brunette who was taking care of her in that instant.

Lexa’s hands lingered on Clarke’s face, and Clarke felt her thumb brush along her lips for just the slightest moment. She looked at Lexa’s eyes and saw they were fixed on her lips, and felt her stomach do a thousand flips as she imagined Lexa leaning in and touching her lips with her own.

“You might not want to do that, my breath stinks.” Clarke mumbled, causing Lexa to jump and blush as though she’d been caught doing something she wasn’t supposed to. She withdrew her hand and fumbled with the rag, shifting her eyes to look anywhere but at Clarke.

Clarke groaned as she tired to sit up, but Lexa’s hands on her shoulders pressed her back down, gently as ever.

“Don’t move. You nearly died just a moment ago.” She said quietly.

“I did?”

“I’m afraid I’m not too good of a healer.”

“I’m still alive, aren’t I?”

Lexa smiled, and Clarke wondered why she hadn't realized how beautiful her smile was before. It was gentle and almost unnatural for Lexa’s complexion, but at the same time it looked so beautiful Clarke wanted to grab her that instant and pull her close.

But she was too weak to even lift her arms, so instead she just marveled at the brunette hovering over her.

“Hey...”

Lexa’s eyebrows raised as she looked down at Clarke. “Hey?”

“Thanks. For, you know, saving my life. And stuff.”

The brunette shrugged. “It’s okay.”

“You really don’t know how thank you’s work, do you?” Clarke chuckled. The chuckle caused a cough to rack up in her chest, and concern filled Lexa’s heart as she watched the girl cough out blood.

“You’re getting worse.” She muttered.

Clarke winced as Lexa gently lifted her head off of her lap and stood up. She laid there, on the ground, as Lexa packed up the camp and gathered all their things onto the back of her horse.

“Where are we going?”

“I’m getting you some actual help.” Lexa told her. Clarke remained still as Lexa slipped her hands under her thighs and her back, lifting her up with an unsurprising amount of strength and care. She carried her over to where she’d spread the sleeping bag, and set Clarke down softly atop it.

“Stay here. I’m going to be gone for a while.” Lexa was kneeling next to Clarke, and her hand cupped Clarke’s face gently for just the fleeting moment.

“Where are you going?” Clarke asked. She tried to ignore the flutter in her chest and the way her skin felt hot where Lexa’s hand was touching it, and instead focused on her eyes.

“You can’t ride. I’m going to go see if I can find some branches to build a stretcher of some sorts.”

Clarke nodded. “And if something comes, I scream?”

Lexa took a knife from her belt and handed it to Clarke. "Or you could try killing it."

"I think I'll still scream."

Lexa just smiled again, causing Clarke’s heart to stop, and withdrew her hand as she stood up quickly and headed into the woods. Clarke remained there, staring at the spot where she’d last seen Lexa, and waited.

She was so fixated on waiting for Lexa that she failed to notice anything else. A mountain lion, hungry from having lost it’s prey two days in a row, eyed her with gleaming eyes from amidst bushes and branches. She could smell the blood, the weakness in the air - she could sense that the human was injured, and crept towards it slowly and warily, not making a single sound. Drool dripped from her mouth as she bared her teeth and let out a low growl. Today, she would feast.

When Clarke finally saw the lioness, it was too late for her to run away. It was so close she could smell it’s breath, reeking of rotten flesh and death. Her eyes widened and her heart leapt to her throat, and for a short moment she forgot to even breathe. She stared into the beast's golden eyes and thought she saw her death.

But then the lion growled. It stepped closer so slowly, as though it were toying with her, and Clarke scrambled away, letting out a bloodcurdling scream.

“Lexa!”


	6. Chapter 6

Lexa’s ears pricked up the second she heard the scream. All blood drained from her face when she realized it was Clarke, screaming her name, and that Clarke was evidently in trouble. The branches in her arms fell to the ground as she sprung into action, turning on her heel and running back towards the clearing as fast as she could. She did not care that she ran into branches in the way, one of which struck her face so hard it left a bleeding cut on her cheek. She didn't even notice the pain, because all she could think and notice were Clarke's screams and the time she knew it'd take for her to get there.

She burst into the clearing and saw Clarke on the ground, a mountain lion creeping towards her slowly as ever. Her sword was in her hand before she even realized, and she ran towards the lion, thinking of nothing else other than Clarke’s safety. She leapt onto the beast, pushing it violently away from Clarke, and they tumbled a bit further. In the hassle, Lexa felt a sudden flash of infernal pain in her shoulder where the lioness’s paw clutched at her, and she cried out. The lion fell a few feet from her, and she scrambled to stand in front of Clarke, her sword raised and her knees bent in a crouching position. The lioness stood up slowly, and began circling the two of them, it’s golden eyes glaring at them hungrily. After some time it became evident that the lioness was waiting for them to wear themselves out, and Lexa reached a hand behind to Clarke.

“Clarke, the knife.”

Clarke remained as still as she could as she pushed the knife into Lexa’s hand. In an instant, the knife left Lexa’s hand and flew towards the lion, burying itself deep into the beast’s side. The lioness cried out and then roared as it leapt at Lexa, who braced her sword against her chest and allowed the lion to impale itself on it, falling backwards from the impact of the beast’s heavy body. Air was knocked out of her lungs, and for a moment she felt the lion’s teeth pressing against her neck. But it was dead, it’s maw been left open in one last roar which never had time to leave it’s throat. Warm blood poured from the gaping wound in it’s stomach and onto Lexa’s body, and with a groan she shoved the beast off of herself and her sword. She got to Clarke as quickly as she could, kneeling beside the blonde with concern written all over her face.

“Are you okay?”

Clarke nodded. Her face was pale and her eyes were wide, and Lexa quickly realized that she was in shock. She ran her eyes along the blonde’s body, scouring for any wounds, but found none other than an ugly scrape on the side of Clarke’s temple. She then laid a hand on Clarke’s knee and offered her a half-hearted smile.

“It’s okay, Clarke. You’re safe.”

“Lexa-” Clarke whimpered. She threw her arms around Lexa’s neck and pulled her close, burying her face into her brown hair. Lexa reacted immediately, wrapping her arms around Clarke’s waist and pulling her into her lap, her body melting into Clarke’s. The throbbing pain in her shoulder was nothing compared to the warmth that spread through her body as she hugged Clarke.

“I thought you were going to die.” Clarke whispered, her breath still shaky. Lexa smiled and tightened her hold around the blonde, not just to hold her closer but to make her feel safe. The girl shuddered in her arms, and Lexa let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding.

“I’m fine, Clarke."

Clarke didn’t care that Lexa was covered in blood and reeked of it, or that the blood was seeping into her own clothes as well. She had been terrified, watching the lion paw at Lexa, with no ability to help her in any way. Suddenly realizing she’d heard Lexa cry out in pain, she raised her hand to her shoulder and heard the girl hiss in pain as her fingers grazed the cut on her shoulder.

“Lexa, you’re hurt.” She gasped quietly. She tried to pull away, but Lexa held onto her and didn’t let her go.

“It’s fine.” Lexa grumbled, her breath tickling Clarke’s neck. “It doesn’t hurt.”

“You’re bleeding.”

Lexa groaned and finally let go of Clarke, pulling away just slightly but not letting go completely. “It’s fine.”

“Lexa…” Clarke sighed. “It’s not fine. Let me look at it.” She pushed Lexa further away from herself and Lexa turned her back to her, allowing Clarke to look at the wound on her shoulder. She hissed in pain as Clarke’s finger touched the cut, and Clarke tutted.

“Doesn’t hurt?” She said in a mocking tone.

“It’s fine.” Lexa said, gritting her teeth. “You’re the one who could be dying.”

“And you’re the one who’s bleeding profusely. Take off your shirt.”

Lexa froze at those words and fought hard to ignore the flutter in her gut. “Why?”

“So I can bandage you up.” Clarke quipped. “Don’t be so shy.”

Lexa went to do as told, but winced when she tried to pull the shirt over her head. The cut on her shoulder burned, and she couldn’t lift her arm any more than a few inches without feeling pain. She let her arms fall down and huffed in frustration.

“I’ll help.” Clarke said quietly, and Lexa suddenly felt her cool fingers lifting her shirt upwards and grazing her skin. She lifted her arms as high as she could, and after a little struggling with the fabric the shirt was off. Her undershirt went the same way, leaving Lexa topless before Clarke, feeling more vulnerable than ever before. She jumped when she felt Clarke’s fingertips run along her skin, and bit her lip to refrain from letting feelings take over her actions.

Clarke stared at Lexa’s bare back and did not know what she felt. She was fit, as she had expected, and her back was as toned as it was beautiful. Her skin was also littered with scars, and the number of kill marks on Lexa’s skin was staggering but not surprising. The temptation to run her hands along Lexa's back was overwhelming, and she bit down on her lip to force those thoughts out of her head. The wound on Lexa's shoulder was actually three cuts, running parallel to one another in varying lengths. They were at least an inch deep, and Clarke was surprised how little blood was coming from them. Already the blood was clotting, meaning the injury was far lesser than what Clarke had thought it would be.

“I’m going to clean it, so…” She said gently as she poured some alcohol onto a clean cloth. When she dabbed at the cut the first time, Lexa couldn’t help the choked cry that escaped her lips. Her hand gripped her thigh tightly, and Clarke stopped for a moment to offer her her hand instead. Lexa turned her head slightly and met her eyes with a question in her own, and Clarke smiled gently.

“You can squeeze as hard as you want.”

Lexa took her hand hesitantly and turned her head forwards as Clarke pressed the cloth onto the wound. The burning pain surprised her, and she cried out slightly and squeezed her hand around Clarke’s so hard Clarke knew it would bruise. But she bit her lip and kept going as quickly as she could so to make Lexa’s pain stop.

“There. You can breathe now.” Clarke said once she was done. Lexa let out a breath and shuddered involuntarily, both from the cold and from pain. She knew her wound was nothing compared to what Clarke was feeling, but it was still painful as it was. Of course, she did her best to not show it, but she knew also that her grip of Clarke’s hand had been so tight that there was no use in trying to pretend.

Clarke placed a bandage on top of the wound and taped it on before wrapping a few strips of cloth around her shoulder to keep the bandage in place. When she was done, she helped Lexa put back her clothes, noticing how the muscles in her back tensed as though she were in pain but no complaints came out.

Lexa turned to face Clarke and eyed her carefully. The first words out of her mouth, however, surprised the blonde.

“Are you okay?”

“Me?”

“Are you?”

“Yes, are you?”

“The lion didn’t hurt you?”

“You came before it even touched me.” Clarke reassured her. The concern in Lexa’s eyes seemed to pass, and she smiled gently. “You shouldn’t worry.”

Lexa rolled her eyes. “You nearly died. Again.”

“It’s not like it was my fault.”

The brunette remained silent and looked at Clarke. The blonde was swaying ever so slightly, her cheeks were red from the rising fever. A gentle touch of her hand to Clarke’s forehead confirmed what she already knew; the fever was rising again, and they had no time to waste.

“We need to go.” She muttered as she stood up, brushing leaves and dirt off of herself. “You’re getting worse.”

Clarke didn’t reply, only wrapped her arms around Lexa’s neck as the brunette picked her up as easily as one would a child. She didn’t say anything about her shoulder, despite knowing that carrying her was sure to hurt Lexa greatly.

“Where are we going?” She asked quietly. Lexa glanced at her and offered her a smile.

“Your home. But first we must find you a cart. You’re not well enough to ride all the way and it's clear I can't leave you alone.”

She whistled for her horse, and he trotted to the clearing from the woods where he’d hidden away from the lioness. With some difficulty, she managed to get Clarke into the saddle, and climbed up in front of her. She pulled Clarke’s arms around her waist and shifted up further in the saddle to allow her some more room. Clarke's hips pressed into her from behind, and she inhaled sharply as she felt the blonde pull her closer and press her body against her back.

“Hold on tight.”

She rode off towards a nearby village, hurrying their way as much as she dared. Clarke was weakening by the hour, and her coughing was becoming more and more persistent. She could feel her body hot against hers, unnaturally so - her skin was sweaty and hot to the touch, and Lexa knew none of those signs were any good.

“Clarke, I swear, if you die…” She muttered as she sped them down along the road towards the village. “I’ll kill you if you die, you understand?”

She heard a halfhearted laugh, and Clarke’s arms tightened around her waist, causing another gasp to escape Lexa's lips. “I’m sure you will.”

They reached the village in about half an hour, and Lexa wasted no time in marching in and demanding they give her a cart. She kept Clarke outside of the village to keep her from infecting anyone, and kept herself as far from anyone as she could as well. About ten minutes later, she left the village with a small cart, equipped with furs and blankets as well as some fresh water and food. She reminded herself to return some day to thank them for their favor, but spent no more time thinking about them as she came to find Clarke unconscious where she’d left her.

“Clarke.” She whispered, shaking her gently. Clarke groaned and opened her eyes, and Lexa felt pain in her heart when she saw the exhaustion in Clarke’s face.

“Come on, up you get.” She muttered, wrapping an arm tightly around Clarke’s waist as she picked her up and got her into the cart. There, she wrapped her up in all the blankets she had, and forced her to have a drink of water before hurriedly strapping her horse onto the cart and storming off as fast as she dared to go.


	7. Chapter 7

“Abby!”

Abby whirled around so quickly she knocked over a tray of instruments, sending them flying all over the floor. The guard who had burst into the room was panting, obviously having run all the way to her office, and she looked at him in annoyance.

“What is it?”

“It’s the Commander, Abby. You have to come now. It’s about Clarke.”

Abby heard her daughter’s name and all else tuned out. She ran out of the building and into the yard, only to find the Commander there alone. Fear struck her heart, and she felt as though she couldn’t breathe when her worst thoughts got the best of her.

_No..._

“Is Clarke…?” She gasped, her voice unable to carry out the rest of her sentence.

“No. She’s alive, for now.” Lexa said quickly. Abby sighed in relief and felt as though the whole world was spinning. “I had to leave her outside. She’s sick.”

The spinning stopped and Abby felt herself falling, her legs gave way, but then she was caught by someone. Every cell in her being had been instantaneously drained of energy, and for good reason - her worst nightmare was becoming reality, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. She glanced up and saw Kane holding her, eyeing her in concern.

“She’s...where is she?” Abby demanded, springing to her feet. “Why did you leave her?”

Lexa looked at her incredulously. “I can’t bring her here, she’s contagious.”

“What’s wrong with her?”

“She fell ill with the red fever.”

“The bug--”

“I removed the bug myself two days ago. But her fever got worse, and this morning she coughed up blood. She’s getting worse by the hour.”

“I want to see her.”

“You can’t.” Lexa demanded. “I’m here to retrieve my healer. Where is he?”

Abby fell silent, and so Lexa shifted her eyes to glare at Kane.

“He was killed.” Kane sighed. “By a patient.”

Lexa gaped at him. “Are you telling me that Clarke’s only chance of survival is _dead?”_

Kane looked away from her, and Lexa wanted to hit him. She was seething with anger and frustration now, and it showed, too - the fact that she'd failed to keep herself contained annoyed her. She forced herself to ignore Kane and the burning urge she had to hurt him, and instead turned her eyes to Abby.

“Do you have an airtight suit?”

“We have some left over from the Mountain Men, yes--”

“Get in one. Now.” Lexa ordered. “Meet me at the gate in ten minutes, bring whatever you need. Clarke’s life depends on it.”

 

* * *

 

It was bizarre to say the least, walking in the woods wearing an airtight suit. It was so similar to the space suits back in the Ark that Abby couldn’t help but feel uncomfortable. Her discomfort, however, was of no matter, not when her baby was sick and hurt and dying.

She had her medical pack in one hand, and Lexa was carrying another. The Commander’s posture was straight, determined, but Abby couldn’t help but notice the fear and worry which seemed to possess those usually cold and emotionless eyes.

They arrived at the cart in no time at all. Seeing Clarke swaddled in a mountain of furs and blankets made Abby’s heart cringe, and for a moment she felt as though she would cry. She lifted a hand to her face to wipe away a lonesome escaped tear, but forgot she was wearing a helmet, so instead her gloved hand collided with the helmet’s hard plastic.

Lexa was busy setting up the collapsible cot they’d brought along, allowing Abby the time to go over and see Clarke for herself. The girl was barely awake, and Abby soon realized that her daughter could not recognize her when she saw the lack of focus in her eyes.

“Clarke, honey, it’s me.” She spoke softly, her gloved hand stroking her daughter’s hair. “It’s Mom.”

Clarke’s lips moved, but no words came out. Instead, she coughed, spraying droplets of blood onto Abby’s helmet.

“Help me get her onto the cot.” She told Lexa, who obliged silently. Abby had meant that the two of them carry Clarke together, but Lexa clearly had other intentions. She watched as the Commander carefully picked up her daughter, noticing how Clarke’s arms reached around her neck in a natural manner, and how Lexa's arm around Clarke's waist seemed to make Clarke's eyes shine. Lexa was so gentle and careful with Clarke, and it truly astonished Abby. For a moment, she just stared at her daughter and the Commander, not knowing what to think. But then she brought herself back to the situation at hand, and moved over to Clarke’s bedside.

“Where’s the wound?” Abby asked quickly.

“Her lower back.”

“Can you hold her on her side?”

Lexa nodded, and carefully pushed Clarke up onto her side to allow Abby to get a look. She saw the flash of pain in the woman’s eyes, and instantly knew it was not good.

“She’s got severe sepsis.” Abby muttered. “It’s a miracle she hasn’t gone into septic shock.”

“What do we do?”

“I’m going to have to cut her open.” Abby cringed when she said that, and looked at Lexa to see her eyes wide in shock. “It’s okay, I know what to do. It’s just...you’ll have to keep her still.”

Lexa nodded and knelt before Clarke as Abby went to prepare what she needed. Gently, Lexa cupped the blonde’s face and tried to force a reassuring smile onto her face.

“Clarke,” She said softly. “I know you don’t know what’s going on now, but I need you to try to understand. Ok?”

Abby looked at the two of them and saw Clarke nod just slightly. Lexa’s hands on Clarke’s face and the look on her face, the sheer tenderness that possessed her being when she spoke to Clarke surprised Abby and made her wonder about the Commander’s true intentions for her daughter.

“Your mother is going to operate on you. You need to stay still.”

Clarke nodded again, and Abby wanted to see her face and what she was feeling. But all she could see was Lexa’s face and the back of Clarke’s head.

“Lay on your stomach.” She said to Clarke. The girl did as told, and Abby saw the muscles on her back clench in anticipation of pain. Lexa was kneeling at the end of the bed, her face level with Clarke’s. Clarke’s hands were in Lexa’s, her knuckles white as she gripped them in fear of the pain that was to come.

“This is a local anaesthetic, Clarke.” Abby murmured as she pushed a needle into the skin next to the cut. Clarke winced but remained still, her hands gripping Lexa’s fingers even tighter than before. The needle withdrew quickly, and while they waited for the drug to take effect, Abby set up an IV drip with fluids and antibiotics to try and fight the sepsis. She was all too aware of the mortality rate of septic shock, and was not about to allow her daughter be up for death’s bidding.

She tapped the cut to test whether Clarke could feel anything. When there was no reaction, she reached out for the scalpel and swallowed hard.

“I’m going to cut now, Clarke.” She couldn’t bring herself to say anything else. She was a doctor, yes, and cutting someone open shouldn’t have made her feel like this. But this was her daughter. And she wished in that instant that it would have been anyone else doing this.

Lexa noticed Abby’s hesitation and slight tremble of her hand. “You’re the best healer there is.” She said before even thinking. Abby looked at her in surprise, as though she’d forgotten that Lexa was even there. Lexa looked into her brown eyes and forced herself to be stern and channelled all of her strength into her voice.

“You’re Clarke’s best chance. You can’t let her die.”

**_She can’t die._ **

Abby took a deep breath and nodded, knowing Lexa was right. She pressed the tip of the scalpel into the cut and let all else fall away except the fact that she was a doctor and she had a dying patient.

Lexa did all she could to keep Clarke’s mind off of the fact that she was being cut into. Even with the anaesthetic, there was still pain in those blue eyes, and Lexa knew she was fighting herself to remain still so to give Abby best working conditions. Abby’s brows were furrowed as she removed the rotting and infected flesh from Clarke. She was working as fast as she could, but valued quality over efficiency. Even one speck of infected tissue, if left behind, could be the cause of Clarke’s death. There was pus and infected flesh everywhere, and Abby knew that Clarke must have been in consistent great pains for days. The thought of her baby being this hurt pained her greatly, but she forced those thoughts out of her head until all that was left was her ultimate goal - saving Clarke.

“Don’t let her fall asleep.” Abby told Lexa about half an hour in. “If she sleeps, she might not wake up again.”

Lexa nodded. Her jaw was clenched tight as she tried to refrain from showing the storm that was racking her up inside. She wasn’t sure she had ever been as terrified as she was now. She had seen battles and death and war; she had been hurt, captured, and fought enemies which she had been sure she would perish against. But in all of those situations, she had still had the ability to do something to change them. She had had power. But here she was powerless. There was no enemy to fight, no quest to fulfill - there was nothing she could do except try and help Clarke feel as good as she possibly could, given the situation.

“Let me sleep, Lexa.” Clarke whimpered, pulling her out of her thoughts and into reality.

She wouldn’t let Clarke’s head fall down against the pillow; each time it did, she pushed it back up gently, causing Clarke to whine quietly.

“I’m so tired.”

Lexa shook her head and placed a hand onto Clarke’s cheek. “You have to stay awake.”

“But I’m so tired.”

“If you sleep, you’ll die.”

“Would that be so bad?”

Lexa froze for just a moment, determination rising within her mind. “Yes, Clarke, it would.”

“Why?”

“I want your spirit to stay where it is.” Lexa told her, quoting Clarke’s exact words from what now felt an eternity ago. Clarke chuckled slightly and Lexa was glad to see a slight smile on her lips.

“You remember.”

“And besides...if you die I have to kill you, remember?”

Clarke smiled at that, and Lexa’s heart leapt to her throat so unexpectedly she forgot where she was for just one second.

“I’m closing up.” Abby said, and Lexa looked at Clarke happily.

“See? Almost done. And then you can sleep.”

Clarke nodded, the smile still playing on her lips. “Lexa.” Her voice was just barely audible, and Lexa raised her eyebrows slightly to ask her to continue.

“Come closer.”

Lexa glanced at Abby, saw that she was concentrated on stitching Clarke back up, and so she shuffled in a few inches closer to Clarke’s face.

“What?”

Clarke looked at her with a content, drugged look in her eyes, and suddenly her lips were on Lexa's, and Lexa thought she was going to have a heart attack.

Even that slight touch was enough to make her entire world fall into place, but she pulled away quickly, fearing Abby would see. This was an intimate thing, something she would have preferred to do in privacy. Clarke frowned when she pulled away, wanting her to stay, but was interrupted by her mother’s hand pressing onto her shoulder just seconds later.

“All done, Clarke.”

Clarke muttered a thanks and tried to sit up, but both Abby and Lexa told her not to.

“You need to let the stitches settle.” Abby told her. “Otherwise you’ll rip them.”

“Can I sleep now?” Clarke asked, her voice slurring from sheer exhaustion. Abby nodded and smiled gently. Clarke returned the smile, and laid her head into the pillow, throwing one last glance at Lexa before closing her eyes and letting the exhaustion take over.

Lexa’s cheeks were pink, and her heart was still racing from the kiss just moments ago. She looked carefully at Abby, fearing the woman knew or had noticed, or that she wouldn’t approve - but instead she just saw curiosity in her eyes, a look which she recognized all too well as one which Clarke so often wore.

She grumbled and turned around to take some furs from the cart, ignoring Abby’s eyes and concentrating instead on covering Clarke in all the warm blankets and furs she could. When she was done, she found she had nowhere to go, nothing to do, and was forced to face the mother of the girl she was hopelessly in love with.

“You’re hurt.” Abby observed.

Lexa furrowed her brows. “How can you tell?”

“You’re barely lifting your arm and your clothes are covered in blood. Let me have a look at it.”

“You should get back to the camp.”

“I still have an hour of air left. I’ll be fine.” Abby told her. “Now sit down, take off your shirt and let me do what I do.”

There was a sternness in Abby’s voice which Lexa hadn’t heard in years from anyone. Her tone was motherly, all-knowing and caring, and she would have never thought that Abby would be directing such feelings towards her. But she found she couldn’t disobey the woman, and so she took off her shirt and sat down on the edge of the cart.

Abby removed the bandage and looked at the cut beneath, letting out a sigh. “Impressive. What did this?”

“A mountain lion.”

“A mountain lion?” Abby exclaimed. “Why would you let a lion that close?”

Lexa shrugged. “It was attacking Clarke.”

Abby fell silent. She reached over for her kit, and dabbed at the cut with some sterilizing solvent. Lexa bit her tongue to refrain from crying out, and was surprised to find she was better able to contain herself around Abby. Though the cut hurt almost the same as it did before, she had no trouble stifling her pain and pretending it didn’t hurt at all.

Or perhaps she just couldn’t contain herself around Clarke.

“I’m going to stitch this up.” Abby muttered. Lexa nodded and let her do her job, ignoring the stabbing pains in her skin as the needle ran through. As Abby stitched Lexa’s cut, she thought of all the things she wanted to ask this woman - no, this girl - and found there were too many for the little time they had.

“Thank you.” She finally said as she was finishing up the stitches.

Lexa turned to look at her in confusion as she was pulling on her shirt. “Why?”

“You saved Clarke.”

Lexa’s eyes flickered to Clarke’s sleeping form. “I suppose.”

“And thank you for doing it yourself.”

“It was no issue.”

“You didn’t have to,” Abby then said. “Why did you?”

Lexa shrugged as she walked over to the cart to get her water bottle. “I just happened to find her.”

“Just happened to find Clarke? We’d been looking for her for months without even so much as a hint as to where she was. There’s no way I’ll believe you just happened to stumble upon her in the woods.”

“I went looking for her, yes.”

“Why?”

“You said that if Clarke died, it would be on me.” Lexa replied, knowing this was only partly a lie.

“How did you find her?”

“I figured she wouldn’t stray too far from home, but far enough. So I went where I knew the forest was dense and inhabited, and happened to stumble upon a...kill of hers.”

“A kill?”

Lexa eyed Abby carefully, not knowing why she looked so surprised. “Yes. Twenty men and women, slain in a field. Some of them had bullet wounds, and since Clarke was the only one I knew was out with a gun, it just...it was the only rational conclusion.”

Abby inhaled deeply and took a little sidestep, feeling at odds with the situation in hand. “Do you care for Clarke?”

She watched Lexa’s face for any sort of emotion, but was deprived of anything such. The girl’s face remained stony as ever, although there was a flicker of something in her eyes as she sighed and nodded. “Yes.”

“I just thought...well, it’s quite clear you care. I guess I should be thanking you for that, too.”

“There’s no need.”

“Does she care for you?”

Lexa’s face fell visibly. “I don’t know.”

Abby studied her, then looked at her daughter. “You need to be careful with her. She’s...she’s strong, but she’s not invincible.”

“I can assure you, I have no intention of hurting Clarke.” Lexa told her.

“I know you don’t.”

Lexa stared at Abby, and Abby studied her. The girl in front of her was not the Commander - this was Lexa, a girl who cared for her daughter with all her heart, and Abby couldn’t help but feel a little pity for her. Clarke was a handful to say the least.

The oxygen tank of her suit beeped to signal she only had half an hour left. “I need to go.”

Lexa nodded. “I’ll tell Clarke where you went.”

“You can’t stay here.” Abby then said, eyeing the clearing. “You should go to the drop ship.”

Lexa’s brows furrowed. “What?”

“The ship where they came. Where we showed you Lincoln.”

“Ah.” Lexa nodded. “I’ll do that.”

“I’ll be back in the evening to check on her. You should keep the IV in - it’ll be fine, just let it be as it is. I’ll leave you a radio so you can call us if anything changes.” Abby said. She spent a short while explaining how the radio worked; Lexa caught little to none of it, only that she was to press the big red button and speak. The other buttons made no sense to her whatsoever, and she hoped she wouldn’t have to use the contraption.

Abby then stood at the end of Clarke’s bed and looked at Lexa expectantly. “I’ll help you lift this into the cart.”

They did that, as carefully as they could, and Clarke slept through it all, an arm falling limply to hang off the bed as the bed was set down onto the cart. Abby left after a short, begrudging goodbye to her daughter, leaving Lexa alone with Clarke. She sat onto the edge of the cart for a moment, and without even thinking slipped her hand into Clarke's.

"You'll be fine, Clarke." Lexa murmured. "I can't let you die."


	8. Chapter 8

The drop ship was an odd place; the land around the metal tower was still scorched, the ground pitch black and void of any life. The remaining bones from the grounder fighters had been gathered away a long time ago, but still there remained an air of death and destruction in the place. Lexa couldn’t help but marvel at the degree of destruction, knowing Clarke was the one who had caused it. The blonde may have been adorable and too beautiful for words, but she was also as dangerous as she was stubborn. In some twisted way, that all made Clarke appear even more endearing to Lexa.

Inside, she found a number of abandoned things she figured could be useful later. There were empty bullet casings on the floor, too, and they rolled along the metal surfaces as she made her way to a bed at the other end of the ship. There, she laid a bunch of furs and blankets, setting the bed ready for Clarke.

She then returned to the cart to wake said blonde up.

The girl lay on her stomach, beneath a mountain of furs, and only a tiny bit of her face was visible from beneath blonde hair. Lexa pushed her hair away and leaned in to press a gentle kiss into Clarke’s brow. As she had expected, this was not enough to rouse Clarke, and so she shook the girl as gently as she could, calling out her name to coax her to wake up.

Clarke finally woke up with a groan, and blinked slowly to try and make sense of her surroundings.

“Where are we?” She mumbled. Her mouth was dry, and Lexa offered her a drink from her flask.

“The drop ship. Your mother suggested we camp out here.”

Clarke looked around more carefully, and as her vision came back to her, she recognized the ship. “You want me to move, don’t you?”

Lexa smirked. “That would be preferable, yes.”

The blonde groaned and let her head fall down against the pillow. “I don’t want to.”

“I’ll carry you.” Lexa offered. Clarke groaned and sat up, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. She suddenly came to a realization, and tightened the furs around herself.

“I’m not wearing a shirt.”

Lexa rolled her eyes and grabbed Clarke’s shirt from her backpack. “Then put one on.”

She turned her back to allow Clarke some privacy, and only turned when she felt a tap on her shoulder. When she turned around, however, she found Clarke staring at her with a strange expression on her face.

“What?”

Clarke chewed her lip and said nothing, only allowed Lexa to pick her up. She held her IV drip as they made their way into the ship, where Lexa had already prepared a bed for her. Being in a real bed for the first time in ages made Clarke feel overwhelmingly relaxed, and she felt as though she were laying atop a cloud of warmth and softness. Once she’d been put into bed, Lexa stood to go away again, but was stopped by Clarke’s hand grasping her arm.

“Can’t you stay?” Clarke asked. Lexa looked at her, appearing so small amidst the covers, and couldn’t help but smile.

“I need to take care of the horse first. I’ll be back before you know it.” She pulled herself free from Clarke’s grasp as gently as she could, and walked outside. But when she returned not twenty minutes later, Clarke was fast asleep, curled up in a mountain of covers. Her hands gripped tightly at the furs, keeping them tightly wound around her body as she slept with her face scrunched up. Lexa grinned to herself and sat on the edge of the bed, reaching up to push some strands of hair away from Clarke’s face. She let her hand stay there, resting along Clarke’s cheek, and simply admired the sight before her.

Clarke stirred in her sleep, and Lexa’s face fell when she saw her eyes open.

“You should sleep.” She said quietly, moving her hand away from Clarke’s face.

“I’m good.” Clarke muttered, turning to lay on her side so to better look at Lexa.

“I’m sorry I woke you.”

Clarke mumbled her response. “ ‘s not a problem.”

Lexa’s hand was resting on Clarke’s shoulder, and she now slipped her hand into hers, lacing her fingers with Lexa’s and brought their hands down to rest on the mattress. Her eyes studied Lexa’s face, and Lexa blushed, feeling vulnerable under such scrutiny. But she didn’t say a word, didn’t move, didn’t look away. She was waiting for Clarke to speak.

Clarke didn’t say anything either. Instead, she pushed herself up into a sitting position to lean against the wall next to the bed. She tugged at Lexa’s hand gently, and Lexa took that as an indication to move in to sit next to her, with her back against the wall as well. Their hands never parted; it felt so natural that it was almost as though they weren’t touching at all, and yet it was as though nothing else really mattered other than their interlocked hands. Lexa had never realized something as small as hand-holding could be so intimate, not until now.

She didn’t notice she was staring at their hands until she felt the gentle touch of Clarke’s fingers on her chin, pushing her face upwards. She raised her eyes to find Clarke’s face was just inches away, and the next second she closed them as Clarke’s lips met her own. She melted into the kiss, having to restrain herself from pouring all of herself into that one moment, and felt her heart ache with a want for more. She wanted all of Clarke, Clarke to be hers, but she did not know if that was what Clarke wanted. All she knew was that Clarke was kissing her, holding her hand, and it was all far more than Lexa would have ever dared to hope for.

This time it was Lexa who pulled away from the kiss. She pulled away not because she wanted to, but because she had to settle her mind before she dared settle her heart any more than it already was. She looked at Clarke and saw confusion in those sky blue eyes, and wanted nothing more than to be kissing her again.

“I’m sorry.” Lexa mumbled. “I just...there are things I must know.”

“Now?”

“Now.”

Clarke shifted slightly, not moving any farther, and leaned her head against the wall. “Okay.”

Lexa sighed. “You told me you weren’t ready.”

“Yes..?”

“Does this mean that you’re ready now?”

Lexa flinched instinctively when she noticed Clarke’s hesitation. Clarke noticed this and smiled gently, bringing a hand up to cup Lexa’s face. “Don’t worry. I’m ready now. I just...I lied when I said I wasn’t ready. Before, I mean.”

The girl before her said nothing, only stared at her expecting her to continue. Clarke drew in a shaky breath, trying to think of the best way to say what she wanted to say.

“I-- I was ready, Lexa. I just didn’t want to be. I didn’t want to be swayed by my feelings again, and you kept talking about how love is weakness, and I just didn’t think you cared as much...I was protecting myself when I lied, but it just screwed me up to a whole new level.”

“Clarke…” Lexa murmured. “I cared for you more than you knew, yes...and perhaps it wasn’t the most opportune time. But you’re...you care?”

The slight break in Lexa’s voice gave away the fact that she was nervous. Clarke looked at her and sighed softly, feeling the extent of her feelings for the brunette only expanding by the minute.

“Of course I care, Lexa.”

“And you don’t hate me?”

Clarke paused for a long while just to stare at Lexa, trying to gather her thoughts.

“I never hated you. I hated what you did, but I understood why.” Clarke told her. “Why do you sound so surprised to find that I care for you?”

Lexa shrugged and averted her gaze away from Clarke, but a gentle hand turned her to face the blonde.

“Hey...” Clarke whispered, but Lexa didn’t want to speak. There had been plenty of speaking. Carefully as she could, she pulled Clarke in closer, engulfing the girl’s lips with her own. Clarke sighed and relaxed against her, and Lexa’s hands pulled her into her lap as their lips moved together in the most natural of ways. She left her hands on Clarke’s waist, afraid to move them in fear of touching her cut and causing her pain. Clarke did not notice this, for she was too preoccupied by Lexa’s lips and the taste of her mouth and the fact that she was all there and the fact that Lexa was there with her. Her head was spinning, and for a moment she was afraid she would collapse; but then she felt Lexa’s hand on her back, strong and unwavering, and knew the brunette wouldn’t let her fall.

A moan emerged from Lexa’s throat as Clarke slipped her tongue into her mouth, and Clarke felt the her jump slightly as though it had startled her. She felt Lexa pull away, and looked up to see green eyes staring at her, almost entirely black with arousal. But the emotion which they conveyed was not passion, was not lust - Lexa seemed worried, and this confused Clarke to a great extent.

“What is it?” She asked, trying to regain her breath.

“We...we can’t do this. Not now. You’re not well.”

Clarke’s brows furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“You need to rest.” Lexa murmured as she pushed Clarke down onto the bed. “Your fever is spiking again.”

That was true; Clarke now realized that her head spinning was not caused by the kiss, but rather by the fact that she was burning up and exhausted. But she did not want to admit to Lexa that she was right.

“I’m fine.” She grumbled. She felt Lexa’s hand slip away from her back as the girl went to stand up, but Clarke grabbed her hand again to stop her.

“This time you stay.” She ordered. Lexa rolled her eyes and sat back down onto the edge of the bed, but a whining noise from Clarke told her the blonde hadn’t meant that. She felt a tug at her sleeve, and chuckled slightly as she laid down onto the bed next to Clarke.

“There’s not much space.” She observed. They were pressed up against one another, and Lexa was sure that if she leaned back just an inch she’d fall off the edge.

“I know.” Clarke murmured. She pushed herself up into a sitting position, leaving Lexa laying on the bed with a confused expression on her face. “Get in the middle.”

Lexa was not used to being ordered around. She did not enjoy being told what to do, not in the slightest, but she let it slide because this was Clarke and anything Clarke wanted she was more than happy to give. Clarke then lowered herself onto Lexa, thus eliminating the problem of falling off the bed entirely. Lexa couldn’t ignore the little winces and grimaces Clarke made as she laid down, knowing she was too tired to properly realize the extent of her illness and the limits it set on her.

“See? Now there’s plenty of space.”

Lexa rolled her eyes and shifted slightly to allow Clarke to lay her head in the crook of her neck. Her hand came up to caress her hair, and for a while, they were both quiet. They simply enjoyed one another. Lexa could not believe how warm and happy the feel of Clarke’s body on hers made her feel, how the weight of her seemed just perfect for her own. Clarke, on the other hand, had never felt as safe as she did now with Lexa’s arms around her and her face nestled in the crook of her neck.

“Your mother should be coming here in an hour or two.” Lexa said after a while. Her fingers were running up and down Clarke’s back, slowly, drawing figures and pushing Clarke further and further into a fully relaxed state.

“Why?”

“You’re sick, that’s why.”

“Why was she wearing the suit?”

Lexa was startled to recall she hadn’t actually explained Clarke’s illness to her. The girl had been too ill when they had first started, and as days had passed she had simply forgot.

“Because you’re contagious.” She replied.

“Then why are you here? Won’t you get sick?”

“I’m immune.”

“How?”

“I've already been sick with the fever.”

Clarke saw a flash of pain in Lexa’s eyes when she said that, and pondered for a moment whether she should prod any further.

“When?” Her voice was careful now, testing the waters to see whether Lexa would tell her.

“I was a child.” Lexa said quietly. “Eight.”

“Did you...did you kill anyone?”

“Only those that were allowed to me.”

“Allowed?” Clarke exclaimed. “What does that mean?”

Lexa sighed. “I didn’t get sick by accident, Clarke. My mother hired a healer to infect me on purpose, and let me be ill for four days before letting the bug be taken out. She believed it would make me a stronger and better killer.”

“Did it?”

The brunette shrugged and didn’t reply. There were tears in her eyes now, and Clarke kissed her cheek gently before asking her next question.

“What’s wrong?”

Lexa swallowed hard and bit her lip to stifle a sob. She didn’t know how telling Clarke these things was so easy, and the relief that had passed over her was as confusing as it was surprising. It made no sense; she was doing all she could to keep from crying, and could certainly feel the pain of the memories washing over her as a continual motion. But it did not hurt her when she told Clarke - if anything, telling Clarke made the pain wash away, as though it had never been there in the first place.

“My mother died, Clarke.” Lexa whispered. “She died because she came to see me after the bug was taken out. We didn’t know I was contagious, and when she realized...it was too late for her. She couldn’t be saved like I was.”

Clarke hadn’t ever heard anything about Lexa’s mother. To be honest, she barely knew anything about the girl she was laying on top of, and hearing anything about her should have pleased her greatly. But hearing that her mother was dead only made Clarke sad, and she laid her forehead against Lexa’s as the brunette bit her lip in an attempt to stifle the sorrow growing in her chest. Clarke’s hand brushed her cheek gently, and Lexa leaned towards it without even meaning to.

“And when she did realize…” She sighed, her breath shaky. Clarke hadn’t expected Lexa to say anything, but remained silent to see if she would continue. The girl swallowed, and her jaw clenched in determination as she forced her eyes open to look at Clarke when she told her.

“She made me end her pain.”

Clarke stared at Lexa, shocked, for a brief second before pressing her lips onto Lexa’s. She littered kisses all over Lexa’s face in an attempt to take her mind off of what they’d just spoken of, but to no avail - she soon felt a single, lonesome tear trickling down Lexa’s cheek. Lexa wiped it away angrily, and Clarke looked at her warily as she saw fury mix with the sorrow in her green eyes.

“I shouldn’t be crying. It was years ago.” Lexa muttered, turning her face to the side. Clarke did not turn her face back to her, did not try and meet her eye - she gave Lexa the space she knew the girl needed, and laid her head against Lexa’s shoulder instead.

“You cry when you feel you need to.” She told Lexa. “It’s not something you can control.”

“I can.”

“No, you can’t. You can try, but it only breaks you inside.” Clarke said softly. “Crying isn’t weakness.”

Lexa’s lip quivered, and she let out a sigh in an attempt to restore her strength. But all her energy was gone, all her willpower for restraining herself vanished like dust in the wind. She didn’t want to hold herself back with Clarke, and found that it was actually almost impossible to do so even if she had wanted. There was no point; Clarke did not judge her, Clarke only wanted her to feel better. She trusted Clarke, and knew displaying weakness would not scare her away.

Clarke nuzzled her face into Lexa’s neck and sighed, her hot breath tickling the brunette and causing a shiver to run down her spine. “Lexa, it’s okay. Nothing will happen if you cry.” Her words made Lexa wonder whether she'd read her mind, and she let out another shaky breath.

“It’ll hurt.” Lexa muttered. “It always hurts.”

“But it’s good pain. And you’ll feel better afterwards. I promise.”

And Lexa believed her. She let go, crumbled, throwing her arms around Clarke’s neck and burying her face in her hair as she let the tears fall. She cried silently, her body trembling against Clarke’s, the stifled sobs breaking through her throat causing pain which she hadn’t felt before. Clarke pressed up against her and let her cry, stroking her hair with one hand while the other was trapped in between them. Every now and then, she pressed a gentle kiss on Lexa’s neck or jaw to remind her that she was still there. She knew how important it was to know she wasn’t alone.

She was so deep in her own thoughts, stuck between sleep and reality, that she didn’t realize Lexa had stopped crying until she felt a hand at the back of her neck, guiding her in for a kiss. Clarke didn’t think - she didn’t have to - she just kissed Lexa back, tasting the saltiness of the tears on her lips and then Lexa’s tongue was in her mouth and all else slipped away. Lexa’s hand on her neck was strong and demanding, as were her lips and tongue as they claimed Clarke’s mouth over and over again. There was a desperation within her which she could not fathom or stifle; she needed Clarke to be closer to her, even though there was barely any space between their bodies as they laid beneath the furs. She had been alone long enough, and wanted nothing more than to be with Clarke and accept the relief which the blonde’s presence gave her.

“Better?” Clarke asked, her voice barely above a whisper. Lexa nodded, and Clarke mumbled something inaudible before letting her head fall down against her shoulder. She stroked Clarke’s hair gently as her breathing evened out, and before long Clarke was fast asleep. Lexa wanted to stay awake, to remain conscious of Clarke’s body on hers, but she felt exhaustion in her own body and leaned back, resting her arms on Clarke’s back. With a relaxed sigh, she too fell asleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i can't keep chapter lengths even no matter what i do  
> thanks again for the comments and kudos!

Lexa was roused by the sound of a car pulling up outside of the ship. Clarke was still asleep in her arms, and she listened intently to the silence outside, wishing she had just imagined the sounds. When she recognized footsteps, she carefully pushed Clarke off of herself and slipped off of the bed, soliciting a tiny whimper from Clarke as the warmth of Lexa’s body left her.

“Where are you going?” She mumbled from amidst the covers.

“Someone’s here.” Lexa whispered back. She crept to the door, her sword in hand, and waited. A moment later, the footsteps reached the metallic floor of the ship, and Abby came into view. She jumped slightly at the sight of Lexa, her sword still poised, but moved along quickly to Clarke. Lexa let out a sigh of relief and put her sword down, reminding herself to keep it next to the bed in the future. Even though they were relatively safe in the ship, it was still good to be prepared.

“How’s our patient?” Abby asked as she sat down on Clarke’s bedside. Clarke grumbled and turned to her side, wanting to go back to sleep. She was annoyed at her mother for coming and making Lexa go away from her, despite knowing that Abby hadn’t meant to do that. Clarke just wanted to be back in Lexa’s arms, and asleep.

Abby just chuckled at her childish behavior and stroked her hair, not knowing the true cause of Clarke's annoyance, and eyed her daughter with a mixture of love and concern in her eyes.

“I know you want to sleep, Clarke, but I have to examine you.”

Clarke remained still. She hadn’t wanted her reunion with her mother to be like this. She didn’t even know if she wanted to see her mother, but she was there and she knew she wouldn’t leave until she got what she came for.

“I’m fine.” She sighed as she sat up, grimacing in pain as the stitches in her back stung. Her mother looked strange in her protective suit, and the fact that she was the reason she was wearing it made Clarke feel bad. She didn’t like feeling like a contagion, and yet that was exactly what she was.

“I brought you girls some food and other things.” Abby told Lexa. “Thought you might need some more supplies. They’re in the car.”

“Mom…” Clarke groaned. The way her mother spoke reminded her of how she’d addressed Clarke and her few and far between female friends when she was a child. Being treated like a child was not to Clarke’s liking, and she knew Lexa would not appreciate it either. The amused look on the brunette’s face surprised her, and with a smirk Lexa walked out.

“How are you feeling, Clarke?”

Clarke sighed and finally met her mother’s eyes. She felt them pierce through into her soul, and knew there was no need for her to say anything.

“I’m tired.” She mumbled.

“That’s only natural. Any pains?”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Of course there’s pain, mom.”

“I meant otherwise. Abdominal pains? Muscle cramps?”

Clarke shook her head. “None that I’d have noticed.”

“Any coughing?”

“Not really--”

“She coughs in her sleep.” Lexa quipped from the door, where she was emerging with a box of food. “And her breath is erratic at times.”

Abby eyed Clarke carefully. “Clarke…”

“Fine, so I cough-”

“Clarke, if you keep things to yourself it’ll only harm you.” Abby sighed. “Any discharge with the coughs?”

Clarke nodded. “Blood.”

“Mucus or actual blood?”

“I vomited blood yesterday, but today it’s just been mucus.” Clarke muttered. “I’m fine, Mom, trust me.”

“Take off your shirt so I can see for myself.”

Lexa busied herself with the box while Abby inspected Clarke, trying to keep her eyes averted from Clarke’s bare form. She fiddled with the items in the box, setting boxes of food and bandages and other necessities on shelves in no particular order, only to rearrange them a moment later. Even so, she could not avoid glancing over every now and then, her eyes lingering for just a little longer than what was appropriate.

Abby finished up and looked at Clarke with true concern in her eyes. “You’ve got pneumonia.”

Clarke sighed and nodded. “Figures.”

“But, good news is that it appears the antibiotics are already working.” Abby told her. “And from what I understood from the healer before he...well, anyway, vomiting blood is normal after the bug is released. It’s not pleasant, I know, but if it persists, you have to call me immediately.”

Clarke nodded again, but said nothing. She glanced at Lexa, only to notice her disappearing out of the door.

“Clarke?”

Clarke turned her head to look at her mother, having not heard what she had just said. “What?”

“I asked how you were. Otherwise.”

Clarke shrugged. “I’m fine.”

“How have you been?”

Clarke tensed, and had to fight to not glare at her mother. “I’ve been fine.”

Silence fell over them, and Clarke chewed her lip as she waited her mother to voice the question she knew was coming.

“Why did you leave?”

“I didn’t want to come back.”

“Why not?”

Clarke stared at her feet and sighed. “I killed so many people, Mom. I killed innocent people to allow the people in that camp to live. I killed _children_. I couldn’t...I can’t face them. I can’t live with them. I did what I had to do to let them live, but I _can’t_ stay with them.”

“You didn’t even say goodbye.”

Clarke looked at her mother and saw tears in her eyes. Carefully as she could, she let her mother envelop her in a hug, and she remained still and quiet for a long while.

“I didn’t say goodbye because I didn’t want it to be goodbye.” Clarke muttered. Abby pulled away and looked at her quizzically, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye.

“What does that mean?”

“I...I was going to come back. At some point, to visit or whatever.”

“It’s been almost two months, Clarke.”

“I know. It’s hard to keep track in the woods.” Clarke tried to joke, but her mother’s stern face forced her to clear her throat and give up that attempt.

“Where were you?”

“Around.” Clarke shrugged.

"Clarke..."

“I spent some time here at first, and then moved on to some caves a few days east from here. I kept moving around.”

“I was worried.”

“You don’t have to worry about me.” 

“I’m your mother, Clarke, of course I worry.” Abby sighed. “Look at you now. You’re _barely_ alive.”

“But I’m alive.” _I can take care of myself_ , Clarke thought. She did not voice those words, knowing they would wound her mother. She had no intention of hurting her mother any more than she already had.

Abby chuckled and rolled her eyes. “I guess that’s true.”

They were silent for a long while, and Abby longed to stay there a while longer. But Clarke soon laid back down to go to sleep, and with a gentle kiss she left her there. As she left the drop ship, she came across Lexa, who appeared to have been waiting for her to leave before entering the drop ship again.

“Lexa.”

The Commander halted her steps and turned to look at Abby. “Yes?”

“Take care of Clarke, won't you?"

Lexa stared at her for a while before nodding. "Of course."

Abby gave her a tentative smile and walked away, feeling awful for leaving her daughter alone with a virtual strange. Even so, she found she somehow trusted Lexa; the quiet, solemn Commander seemed determined to keep Clarke safe, and Abby even suspected the Commander was growing fond of her daughter. The extent of Lexa's feelings was lost on Abby for now, but only because she was too preoccupied worrying about her daughter's life to concern her with her daughter's heart. Had she paid any notion, she would have seen just how much the two girls cared for one another.

But she drove off, oblivious to how far from a stranger Lexa was to Clarke, and left the two of them alone with each other.


	10. Chapter 10

When Clarke woke up again, she found herself back in Lexa’s arms. The brunette’s arms were tight around her, her face nuzzled in Clarke’s neck, and Clarke longed to go back to sleep more than anything. She was so comfortable that she wasn’t even sure whether she was really awake. She also had no idea when Lexa had found her way back into bed, or how she’d managed to maneuver herself underneath Clarke without waking her. She wondered why she had woken up for just a minute until her stomach rumbled loudly, reminding her that she hadn’t eaten in god knows how long.

She felt Lexa stir in her sleep beneath her, and moved away just slightly to see her face. She was fast asleep, a gentle smile on her lips, and Clarke couldn’t help but grin at the sight. The Commander was gone, replaced by this adorable and beautiful creature with the softest features and the gentlest of hearts. Her chest rose just barely as she breathed, as though she weren’t breathing at all - but her heart beat steadily beneath her warm skin, and Clarke could feel her pulse beneath her fingertips, which rested gently on Lexa’s neck. She began tracing her fingers along the smooth, supple skin of Lexa’s neck, running them up to her jaw and then to trace the lines along her face. When she could not hold herself back any longer, she leaned in and pressed her lips against Lexa’s, and her stomach flipped in excitement as she saw Lexa’s eyes flutter open and felt her arms tighten around her. She did not speak, only pulled Clarke upwards to better have access to her lips and mouth as she deepened the kiss. Still half-asleep, every movement Lexa made was slow and calculated, and everything felt like it was going in slow motion. Clarke’s lips on hers felt so pleasant she feared her heart would burst out of her chest. The desperation was back again, that incessant need for more, but she stifled it yet again, knowing Clarke was in no condition to satisfy that need.

That would come later.

“Morning,” She finally breathed once they parted after a long while.

“Morning.” Clarke smiled. Her smile was followed by a yawn so cute Lexa couldn’t help the small giggle that escaped her lips.

“Did you just giggle?” Clarke exclaimed.

Lexa bit her lip to refrain from laughing again. “No.”

“You giggled.”

“You’re mistaken.”

Clarke pecked her on the lips and brought her hand up to cup her face. “Don’t lie.”

Lexa was putty in her hands, and both Clarke and Lexa knew this. Clarke leaned in closer and kissed Lexa again, taking her sweet time sucking on Lexa’s bottom lip before letting it go and looking into Lexa’s green eyes.

“Admit it. You giggled.”

“Fine, I giggled.” Lexa grumbled. Clarke smiled and rewarded her with a kiss.

“Was my yawn so ridiculous?”

“It was cute.” Lexa muttered, her brows furrowed.

“You think I’m cute?”

The brunette rolled her eyes and kissed her again, but Clarke didn’t let that distract her.

“Lexa…”

“You’re cute.” Lexa groaned. “And you’re annoying.”

“Am I now?” Clarke murmured as she leaned in for yet another kiss. “Then why won’t you just stop kissing me, then?”

“You’re the one kissing me.”

Clarke withdrew and threw her a look that almost dared her to test her. “Well then I won’t kiss you anymore.”

Lexa just chuckled and slipped her hand around Clarke’s neck, pulling her in. Before their lips met, she looked into her eyes and grinned. “I don’t like that idea.” She husked before she kissed Clarke and let all of herself pour into that kiss. She had been afraid before, but was no longer; she knew Clarke could handle her, knew Clarke was worthy of her trust.

She felt safe with Clarke.

That kiss left Clarke breathless, and the playful tone was long gone. Clarke hated the fact that she was sick, because all she really wanted to do was rip Lexa’s clothes off and devour her entire being. But she couldn’t do that, not when a simple kiss left her gasping for air and feeling like she was going to collapse for a million years.

“Are you alright?” Lexa asked, concern bearing through the softness in her voice.

Clarke nodded and leaned her forehead against Lexa’s. “I’m just a little hungry.”

“I’ll get you food.” Lexa said. She put her hands on Clarke’s waist to try and move her off of her, but Clarke pressed her back down and whined.

“But you’re so warm.”

“I can’t get you food if you won’t let me leave the bed.” Lexa sighed.

“Then I’ll starve.” Clarke decided. Lexa looked at her with her face all scrunched up, and Clarke giggled. “You’re cute when you’re confused.”

This only confused Lexa more. “I don’t think anyone has ever called me...cute.”

“Well, you are.” Clarke told her, shuffling upwards so that their faces were just an inch apart. “Beautiful, too, but mostly cute.”

Lexa wished she was wearing her war paint, because in that instant she felt her cheeks grow hot and knew they were a blush pink. Clarke just smiled and kissed her. She thoroughly enjoyed how easily she was able to fluster the brunette. Not to mention she was sure that her childish behavior had nothing to do with the lightheadedness the drugs seeping into her system were giving her.

Her stomach rumbled again, and she felt Lexa’s hand slip between the two of them and press against her stomach. “You need to eat.” Lexa told her as she promptly lifted Clarke off of herself and slipped out of bed. Clarke groaned, both in discomfort as well as protest. Her back was aching, and she now noticed her fever was back on the rise. The IV needle was making her hand itch and throb with dull pain, and she wanted nothing more than for it to be taken out.

“How long was I asleep?”

“Two days, on and off.” Lexa told her. She was gathering all sorts of foods onto a plate at the table, and glanced back at Clarke to see her staring at her in confusion.

“On and off?”

“You’d wake every few hours or so. To drink, to eat...those sorts of things.”

“I can’t remember.”

“You’re heavily drugged, Clarke. It’s only reasonable.”

“Have I said anything...weird?”

Lexa threw her a smirk, and Clarke groaned as she let her head fall into the pillow. “Please don’t tell me it was something embarrassing.” She muttered into the pillow, thinking Lexa couldn’t hear her. But then she felt a warm hand on her back, and the mattress pressed down beside her where Lexa sat.

“You told me you liked my braids.” Lexa said softly as she placed the plate of food onto the floor. Her hands gathered Clarke’s hair together, and she began combing through the matted locks with her fingers. Clarke’s hair wasn’t as tangled as it had been a few days ago; with the blonde fast asleep and nothing else to do, Lexa had spent a good while toying with her hair and detangling the matted locks. Her hair was still dirty, but it did not phase Lexa; she enjoyed the silky feel of Clarke’s golden strands. She had, however, decided to force Clarke to bathe the instant she was well enough. “You kept insisting I should braid your hair, too. Called me the braided princess.”

Clarke grumbled, but didn’t move and so Lexa started braiding Clarke’s hair and continued talking. “Also you kissed me a lot, but kept missing my lips and it seemed to amuse you greatly. You also insisted that you knew how to juggle knives, and got mad at me when I refused to give you any. And then yesterday evening, your hand slipped while you were trying to eat porridge and it splattered on my face and you said something about Simba and made a smear onto my forehead. That was strange, but you didn’t explain it.”

Clarke was glad her face was buried in the pillow, because her face was surely as red as a tomato. “It’s from a movie,” she mumbled.

“What’s a movie?”

“A sort of...moving picture.”

“Like a video?”

“Wait...how do you know what videos are?”

“Your people showed us some. Teaching videos about missiles and other things.” Lexa told her. “You missed a lot in the past month, Clarke.”

Clarke grumbled and shifted slightly. The feel of Lexa’s fingers in her hair was more than pleasant, and she felt a little excitement thinking how her hair would look like Lexa’s. She had always admired the intricate braids in her brown hair, and had marveled at how they had always appeared so beautiful even when everything else about Lexa was messy and tattered.

“I saw a video of your Unity Day celebrations. You were in it.”

Clarke froze and thought back, praying it wasn’t the one where she’d tripped on her way to the center. It had been the most embarrassing moment of her life up until this point, and she wished Lexa hadn't seen that very video.

“You were as clumsy back then as you are now. Not surprised.” Lexa mused. Clarke cursed into the pillow, her embarrassment growing to a whole new level. “You were adorable, though.” Lexa whispered as she leaned in to press a hot kiss onto Clarke’s neck.

Silence fell over them as Clarke tried her best to forget the fact that she had embarrassed herself thoroughly in front of Lexa. She was interrupted, however, when Lexa’s hand ran a line down her back and the girl spoke.

“I missed you.” Lexa said quietly. She was finished now, a few intricate braids running from Clarke’s temples to the back of her head where they were fastened together into one larger braid which laid atop the free locks underneath. Clarke turned to her side and looked at Lexa, eyes wide with surprise.

“You did?”

“Why are you so surprised?”

Clarke hesitated slightly. “I...I guess I didn’t realize.”

“Your people are awfully boring without you around.” Lexa told her as she reached for the plate and placed it in front of Clarke. “And I was worried, too.”

“Worried?” Clarke asked. She grabbed a piece of bread and placed a slice of meat on top before biting down, relishing the taste of actual food for once.

“I visited the camp a few times, but I never saw you there. They didn’t tell me you hadn’t returned to the camp after the Mountain, and when I didn’t see you anywhere...I thought you were dead.”

“You thought I was dead?”

“For a week or so. But then when there was no funeral and your people seemed fine enough, I decided you were just avoiding me.”

“Why didn’t they tell you I was gone?”

Lexa shrugged. “I suppose they thought it wasn’t important.”

Clarke busied herself with the food, and for a while, they were silent.

“I missed you too.”

Lexa stared at Clarke. All her defenses were down; she didn’t even try to conceal the fact that she was touched or that she was relieved. She didn’t feel like she needed to.

“You did?” Her voice was quiet and small, so unlike Lexa it made Clarke smile.

“Yes, I did.” Clarke grinned. “Even though I was mad at you.”

“Are you still mad at me?”

Clarke pondered it for a bit. “Not at you, Lexa. Maybe I’m a little mad at Heda, but not you.”

“Can you ever forgive me?”

“I already have.” Clarke murmured.

Lexa leaned in then and kissed her on the mouth, her hand coming to rest on Clarke’s waist. Clarke yawned and rested her head against her hand. Her finger came up to draw small trails along the bared skin of Lexa’s chest, and for a while neither of them spoke.

“Lexa?”

“Hmm?”

“Can I ask you a question, even though it might hurt a little?”

Lexa looked at Clarke in confusion. “..yes?”

Clarke took a deep breath before speaking. “You said Costia was yours. Do...how do Grounders work with romance? What are the rules...I'm just curious.”

Lexa flinched slightly at the mention of Costia, but looked at Clarke and saw she was genuinely asking. “Costia was mine and I was hers. That’s how we view...love.” Lexa said slowly. “What exactly are you asking?”

Clarke shrugged. “With my people, it’s pretty straightforward. If you like someone, or have a crush, you can tell them. And if they like you back, you go on dates and hang out and see if you actually like the other person. And then if you do, they become your girl or boyfriend, which means that you’re each other’s and that you don’t go about with other people. And then if you really love them, you ask them to marry you.”

Lexa listened intently, trying her best to memorize all that Clarke was rambling off. “With my people, it’s a bit more subtle. If you have a...crush, you wait and see. And then you declare yourself to them and hope they feel the same way.”

“So you just jump straight in.” Clarke stated.

“I guess.”

“But what does giving yourself mean? To you, I mean.”

“Devotion to a person, giving yourself to someone completely. It doesn’t necessarily have to be mutual.” Her eyes flickered to look at Clarke’s eyes, and she longed to tell her the thought that had been repeating in her mind ever since she had met Clarke.

_I’m yours._

“Do you still get married?”

“Yes, and it is often so that once you commit yourself to someone, you also commit yourself to the promise of marriage one day.”

“What does marriage mean to a Grounder?”

“Eternal devotion. Trust. Support. Love.” Lexa listed off some things off the top of her head. “Binding one’s soul to another.”

_I’m yours._

Clarke stared at her for a while, her lips parted just slightly. When she spoke again, her voice was surprisingly soft and quiet.

“Am I yours?”

“If you want to be.”

“Are you mine?”

“I have been yours for months, Clarke.” Lexa breathed. Clarke grinned at this, and the brunette pressed a kiss onto her temple.

“Mine.” Lexa whispered, and Clarke’s heart fluttered so quickly she was sure she was having a heart attack. It was as though her whole world had been condensed and shaped into the form of the woman kissing her, to the beauty that was Lexa. In that instant it was as though the whole world revolved around the two of them. For the first time in forever, Clarke sighed and accepted that she was truly and unabashedly happy.

“I’m yours, Lexa.” Clarke murmured as she closed her eyes. “And you’re mine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i gave you fluff and adorable goodness, now brace yourselves cause shit's bout to go down ;)  
> keep the kudos and comments coming, I truly do enjoy getting those little notifications!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright this is a long-ass chapter but a lot of shit happens so don't judge me  
> beware all ye who dare enter here  
> jk its probably not that bad don't shit your pants or anything just enjoy the ride  
> keep leaving kudos and comments :)

They awoke to a loud knock echoing through the small ship. Groggily as one could, Lexa pushed Clarke off of herself and went to the door, wondering why Abby was back so soon. She had only left about two hours prior, and there shouldn’t have been any reason for her to come back till nightfall.  

Out of habit, she grabbed her sword from the table near the bed as she slammed the button that allowed the ship’s door to open. She was still sleepy, and so did not immediately see that there were two figures outside the door, not one, and that neither of them were Abby. When she did notice, they were already inside, their swords raised at her. It was too late.

“Clarke!” She cried, leaping out in front of the two warriors to block their way to the blonde. Clarke snapped awake, and it only took her a second to realize what was going on. Her blood ran ice cold in her veins when she saw the two men and their longswords poised at Lexa; they were wearing full battle armor and were at least a head taller than Lexa, who only had her sword and no armor whatsoever. Before the two men, Lexa looked like a child, tiny before the mountains of muscle and armor.  She knew she should have had faith in Lexa's ability to take them. But she also knew that Lexa was exhausted, and saw the slightest quiver of her muscles as she stood before the threat.

But then she raised her sword and Clarke saw the muscles in her body tense up, and Lexa became Heda again.   

“How dare you,” She snarled in her own tongue. “Who sent you?”  

"An old friend." One of the men raised his hair slightly, just enough for Lexa to notice the marks on his skin. Her heart froze over, and for a moment she forgot to breathe as fear took over her mind.  

“Azgeda.” She growled. “Have you a death wish?”  

“We’ll take her.” The taller man growled back, his eyes flickering past Lexa’s face to Clarke. “Seems like our Queen will have another playtoy, soon. We’ll see how long this one will last. She’s prettier than the last--” He didn’t even have time to finish his sentence, because the next instant there was a knife sticking out from his throat and he fell to the ground, bleeding and croaking as he choked on his own blood. His companion did not appear phased by this; if anything, he seemed pleased. 

Lexa tried to hit him with his sword, but he was stronger than she had anticipated. His sword shoved her aside, and she could just barely keep herself from tripping as she ran towards the wall. The force of the contact made her bones tremble and quake as though she had just been hit by a truck. She caught herself before she collided with the metal, and spun around as quick as she could, despite the fact that her vision was a blurry spinning mess The man was staring at her, waiting for her, and the second she thought she was ready his sword swung at her. She raised her own blade to block his blow, but he was so overpoweringly strong that she could feel her shoulder falling out of place just seconds before searing pain shot up through her arm and into her body. It was blinding, and for a moment her vision flashed bright white before she regained herself. She cried out in pain and fell to her knees, and the man laughed as he grabbed her by the throat. Lexa cursed herself for being so ill prepared, for being so sleepy still; she knew she couldn’t win, that she would lose against this bull of a man. She could not believe she was losing. The Heda did not lose.

“The great Heda.” He sneered, as though he knew Lexa’s thoughts. “So weak. I would kill you, but my Queen wishes to do it herself.”  

He tossed Lexa aside with such strength that she flew into the wall, colliding with such force that for a while, she could not breathe and all she could see were stars. Her sword had clattered to the side, and the pain in her arm was infernal to say the least.  

“Clarke…” She gasped as she scrambled to her feet despite every muscle in her body telling her to do the exact opposite. She saw the warrior now stood before Clarke - actually, she saw him in two, but the sounds on the floor told her there was just one - and saw that Clarke was pale with terror. There was nothing she could do; there was no way she could get close enough, not in time.  

But then she heard a gunshot, and blood spattered onto the metal floor as the man stumbled over from the surprise and the force of the shot, clutching at his shoulder. Lexa had just enough time to glance at Clarke to see her scrambling for the radio before she burst into action, running to block the warrior's way to Clarke. The next instant she had her sword and he was pushed as far away from Clarke as her strength allowed her. Her ears were ringing, and her feet were not as sure as she would have wished – in fact, she was pretty sure the ground wasn't supposed to be swaying beneath her - but even so she stood in between him and Clarke, determined to fight till her last breath.  

 _Mine_ , she thought to herself, _nobody hurts what is mine._  

“Coward.” She spat at the warrior as she advanced on him. Her sword was in her left hand, but she was almost as good with the left as she was with her right. Her right arm hung at her side, limp and searing with pain, but she ignored it. This wasn’t the first time her shoulder had dislocated, and certainly not the first time she faced an enemy whilst in searing pain. Even so, she could feel the exhaustion besting her from within. Her head was not set right, that much she knew now. Everything was swaying, and her head was beginning to throb with pain; there was a spot behind her ear which was practically stabbing with it, as though someone were pushing a needle through her eye into her brain. All she wanted was to collapse and let sleep take over, but she could not do that, not when Clarke was in danger.  

“You dared not meet me in battle, so you attack me when I am weak.”  

“Our Queen will meet you in battle and you will fall.” The warrior spat back.  

“Your Queen failed to meet me the last time war was waged. She is the greatest coward of all your people.”  

“How dare you!”   

Lexa’s words had done just what she had hoped; in his anger, the man lunged forward, and she thought she had the perfect opportunity to kill him. But instead her sword collided with hard metal, and bounced off and out of her hand. Her entire body shook with the residual effects of the blow, and she was unable to react before the man lunged at her again. She cried out as the man grabbed at her and sent her flying into the wall. This time, her head collided with the wall so hard the metal echoed, and she fell to the ground, unconscious, blood trickling from the gash on her forehead.  

The warrior stood over her, panting, thinking he had won. But he had forgotten about Clarke. When he remembered, it was too late. A stinging pain in his neck surprised him, and the next second his mind clouded over as the sedative took effect and he collapsed to the ground.  

Clarke stood where he’d stood, breathing heavily as she looked down at him. He appeared to be knocked out, but she wasn’t sure. She couldn’t be sure. Terror racked through her body, and she wanted nothing more to know whether Lexa was alive. But she couldn’t trust that the man would remain unconscious. And so she hooked her arms under the man’s armpits and began dragging him out of the ship. Her strength was barely existent at that point, but somehow she managed to push him far out enough so that she could close and lock the ship’s door. She stood there for a few fleeting moments, regaining her strength as she leaned against the cool metal wall. But then her eyes fell upon Lexa’s crumpled form, and with a stifled cry she rushed over to the brunette. She gathered Lexa into her arms, her stomach churning as she felt how limp and heavy her body was against her own. She cradled Lexa’s head against her chest, and felt tears falling freely from her eyes as she sobbed quietly.  

When she had seen Lexa fly against the wall the first time, she had used the radio to call for help. The radio had flown onto the floor in the hassle and shattered to pieces, and she had forgotten about it entirely. Her mind was shrouded in fear – in terror – for Lexa, and she failed to hear the jeep pulling up to the ship outside.  

She couldn’t help but cry, holding the broken form of Lexa. Lexa was so strong, so powerful, and seeing her like this – crumpled, unconscious, and completely lifeless – was terrifying to say the least. The knowledge that Lexa had done this for her, that she had gotten hurt trying to protect her, was overwhelmingly painful to Clarke. As she continued sobbing quietly, she kept her fingers pressed against Lexa’s neck to feel her pulse and be constantly reassured that she was still alive. Her pulse was weak and erratic, but Clarke was sure it was still there, and that was all that she needed to keep herself from losing it completely. The panic that resided within her chest was just waiting for a way out, and it was all that she could do to not give in to it’s temptations. 

“Damnit, Lexa.” She muttered, her voice broken and hoarse from crying. “Did you have to play the hero?”  

She wished Lexa would have woken then and said some sort of snarky remark, said anything at all - but the brunette remained unconscious, and Clarke gasped for air as another wave of tears and sobs came her way. 

 

* * *

 

Bellamy was on radio duty that day. It had been a very uneventful few hours, and he was growing more and more bored by the minute. Sitting in the room full of radios was not quite what he had imagined when he’d agreed to become a Guard again. He had imagined patrols and exciting missions, but life on the Ground had become relatively uneventful after the Mountain had fallen. Now that everyone was under a strict quarantine, there was absolutely nothing to listen for. Nothing except the occasional message from Clarke. And that was plenty a reason for Bellamy to remain in the radio room and wait in case Clarke needed anything at all.

Clarke’s return had been the most eventful thing to happen all month. Although she hadn’t been sighted in camp, word had gone round very quickly that she was back, and the people were teeming with excitement, thinking she’d return to them completely once her illness had passed. They missed her, that much was evident from the excitement that had spread through the populace soon after the news had been announced. They looked up to Clarke; she had, after all, saved them all from the Mountain Men. They saw her as a hero.

Bellamy knew that was precisely the reason why Clarke was not going to return. She was no hero, not in her own mind at least; she had killed hundreds of people, innocent people, to save her own. Although Bellamy had pulled that lever with her, he hadn't borne the same burden as Clarke. He wasn't the people's leader - not nearly enough people knew that Clarke hadn't pulled that lever alone. He had tried to tell them, of course, but the people heard what they wanted to hear. And what they heard was that Clarke had saved them all. 

The people were growing restless, confined to the tight spaces of the Ark and the few adjoining structures that they’d built. Not everyone understood the threat that supposedly stood outside. It was an invisible threat, and before the first few cases had hit, no one had taken the quarantine seriously. Now, with four dead and one barely alive after the fever had hit, they were equally as afraid as they were restless. They wanted to go outside, to resume their normal lives; but each time the doors outside opened, there was a small moment of panic as everyone rushed away from the outside air and the invisible threat that they thought was seeping in along it.

Bellamy was drawn from his thoughts by sudden static, and he scrambled over to press the button to properly hear what was being said. 

“Someone, help!”  

 _Clarke._  

“Clarke!” Bellamy yelled, but there was only static. He cursed and pressed some more buttons, and Clarke’s voice sounded over the speakers again. 

“Azgeda…help…Lexa—“ 

There was a gunshot, and then the line went silent. Bellamy stood frozen for just a split second before grabbing his gun and running off to find Abby. 

Not ten minutes later, they rushed to the drop ship to find the door locked shut and a burly man lying unconscious outside it’s doors. Bellamy and Lincoln darted out of the jeep, their guns shuffling against the rough plastic of their suits, and they ran to the door as quickly as they could. Abby remained behind to wait and see whether the coast was clear; she would be no use as a doctor if she was hurt herself. 

Lincoln pressed the muzzle of his gun against the warrior’s temple, and was ready to fire when Abby called out to him.

“Do not kill him! We may need to interrogate him.” 

Lincoln lowered his gun and threw a loathing look at the warrior before grabbing the unconscious man roughly and dragging him over to a tree, where he handcuffed the man’s hands behind it’s trunk.  

Bellamy was pounding on the door, trying to get in, but there was no answer. 

“Clarke!” 

Inside, Clarke was still cradling Lexa’s unconscious body, quiet sobs racking her body at steady intervals. She did not hear the racket from outside; no, she could not notice anything except Lexa and her bruised body and her sleeping, eerily calm face and the angry red scrape that ran along her temple. But then the whole ship shook with force when Bellamy ran his body against the door, and Clarke was drawn out of her sorrow and into reality. 

“Clarke!” Bellamy yelled. “Are you okay? Open the door!” 

Clarke reached up with her hand and just barely pressed the button to release the lock. As the door lowered down and Bellamy caught sight of Clarke, his heart leapt to his chest. Clarke was hunched over Lexa, who appeared unconscious, and Clarke in turn appeared to not notice anything other than the girl in her arms. 

“Clarke!” Bellamy cried out for the third time, lowering his gun and rushing over.  

Lincoln eyed the scene curiously. He saw how tightly Clarke was holding the Commander, and noticed how she still seemed so gentle with the unconscious woman. He noticed how one of Clarke's hands were resting on Lexa’s chest, a few fingers pressed against her pulse point. He had never seen the Commander in such a weak position, and ever in a million years would he have thought to see the Commander cradled in the arms of the Sky Princess. And yet, there they were, and he wondered whether the Commander would have allowed this were she awake.

“Are you okay?” Bellamy asked Clarke, placing his hand on her shoulder. 

Clarke shrugged his hand away and ignored his question. “Lexa’s hurt.” 

Bellamy turned and practically roared Abby's name. Abby rushed over as quickly as she could, her heart shattering upon seeing the devastated state her daughter was in. 

“What happened?” She cried as she knelt before Clarke. “Are you okay?” 

"Lexa..." Clarke whimpered, "she's hurt, Mom, you have to help her."

Only then did Abby notice the brunette in Clarke’s arms. “What happened?” 

“She...she tried to protect me.” Clarke sniffled as tears welled up in her eyes again. “But he was too strong, and she wasn’t ready--” 

“Clarke, tell me exactly what happened.” 

“He threw her into a wall, twice. Her head hit it so hard the walls echoed…” Clarke whimpered, unable to keep the hot tears from falling. They burned her skin like acid, and she tried to wipe them away to no avail. Where her hand brushed the tears away, new ones soon took their place.

“And that’s when she fell unconscious?” 

Clarke nodded, still trembling with the sobs. “Please, Mom, she can’t die.” 

“She won’t die, Clarke.” Abby told her sternly. “I won’t let her.” She turned to look at Bellamy. "Help me get her to the bed. Watch her head." 

Clarke let out a pained whimper when Lexa was taken from her arms and carried to the bed. She followed them, settling herself in a chair next to the bed while Abby examined Lexa. She curled up in a ball, setting her chin against her knees as she watched Lexa’s face, unable to tear her eyes away from her. She did not care that the chair pushed against the wound on her back, causing pain; she did not care that all she really wanted was to sleep again. She only cared for Lexa, and in that moment, Lexa was all that existed to her. 

 _She's mine,_ Clarke thought, _she can't die. I'm hers and she's mine and she can't die, I don't know what I'd do without her..._  

Bellamy watched her solemnly from afar, and paid notice to how worried Clarke was. He had seen her cry many times, but never this much and never had he seen Clarke look this desperate. He had never seen such pain in her eyes, and it was enough to make his own chest hurt in sympathy for his friend. He wanted to go over to Clarke and tell her everything would be okay, that Lexa would be okay, but he was a little afraid of how she would react. He was also surprised by the fact that the Commander’s injury affected Clarke so. She had never looked so broken and devastated as she did now; not when Wells had died, not when Finn had been dying, not when she thought her mother had died in the drop ship. Not even when she had struck the knife into Finn’s chest.  

Bellamy took a step forth, but thought again; Clarke looked so small and vulnerable and yet so volatile in that moment that he decided it was best to just wait and give her space. There was something different about Clarke, he noticed that now; the hunch in her shoulders and the way she held herself had changed altogether, and it reminded him of a hunted animal. But this was no prey, not at all - Clarke reminded him of a panther, the ruthless killer hiding just beneath the surface. But that was just slightly so; Clarke was still Clarke, the tears and her worry told him that.

She was still human. 

After Abby had used every contraption available to her and completed her examination, she turned to look at her daughter. Clarke's eyes were bloodshot from all the tears she’d shed, and only now did her gaze leave Lexa to meet her mother’s. 

“She’ll be fine.” Abby told her. The relief that washed over Clarke was overwhelming, and Abby smiled gently as she saw happiness reach Clarke’s teary eyes. Clarke’s hand reached to take Lexa’s, and Abby’s eyes flickered over to see just how well the two girls’ hands fit together. 

“She’s got a severe concussion, but it looks like the Commander has a thick skull - the damage could have been much worse. Her shoulder is dislocated and her wrist is fractured, but I’ll be able to fix that easily enough. Oh, and she’s got a few broken ribs, but it looks like she’s relatively used to those.” 

Clarke nodded, her eyes having returned to stare at Lexa. “When will she wake up?” 

“When she’s ready, I guess.” Abby sighed. _Unless she doesn't. There's a chance that she won't ever wake up._  But Abby chose not to tell Clarke, because the odds of that happening were so small and she did not want to worry her daughter for what was probably nothing. 

“Although, I have to ask...did she get in a fight a while ago?” 

Clarke shook her head. “Why?” 

Abby raised Lexa’s shirt just slightly to reveal her stomach and the cut along it. “This. It’s infected.” 

Clarke gaped at the cut and felt the guilt overwhelm her being. “She...I did that. I needed to cut something and she offered....damnit Lexa.” She muttered the last words to the unconscious brunette, not noticing the look on her mother’s face. 

“It’s fine, Clarke, I just checked. I’ll just clean it up and bandage it.” 

“I’ll do it.” Clarke said. She stood and moved over to sit on Lexa’s bedside. “I can do it.” She repeated again. This was not a request or a negotiation; Clarke was going to do it, and Abby had nothing to say in the matter.

Abby stared at her for a moment before giving her the cloth and bottle of antiseptic solution. “Fair enough. But first let me put that IV back in.” 

Clarke hadn’t even noticed that she had ripped the IV out, or that it had been bleeding all over her clothes; not until now, that is. She begrudgingly gave her mother her arm and bit her lip as the needle slid through her skin, the antibiotic solution filling her veins yet again. Abby moved over to talk to the boys while Clarke began cleaning out Lexa’s cuts. In the bed, amidst the covers, Lexa looked so small and frail it made Clarke’s heart ache. She wished they were alone, so that she could lay with Lexa and sleep again, but knew there was no way any of the three standing just outside would leave until she at least acknowledged their existence. 

She couldn’t help but admire the toned muscles of Lexa’s stomach, and ran her fingers along them as she cleaned the cut and bandaged it up. Her skin glistened with sweat, now cooled, and Clarke realized how much of a toll the fight had taken from the brunette. She was mad at Lexa for not telling her the cut had gotten infected, and was definitely going to bring it up once she woke up.

Once she was done with her stomach, Clarke moved on to Lexa’s face. There was an ugly scrape on the side of her forehead, running downwards where her head had collided with a doorframe. It was not bleeding anymore, but she cleaned it nevertheless, because she felt like she had to be doing something. She knew that the instant she stopped doing something, she would cry again, and she wasn’t sure she was ready. 

“Come on, Lexa. Wake up.” She murmured. Her hand slipped into Lexa’s hand, and she began drawing circles on the back of her hand. “Please wake up, Lexa.” The tears came back again, and she hung her head as she sobbed quietly. She was terrified that Lexa wouldn’t wake up. She didn’t even know what she’d do if she didn’t. Just the thought of never talking to Lexa again, of losing her just when she had gotten her back, made Clarke feel terrified to the very core of her being. She had never been this scared in her life; not when she’d been falling down to Earth, not when she’d stabbed Finn, not even when she had pulled the lever and committed genocide. None of them compared to what she felt now, for now she was helpless.  

"Please come back to me." Clarke whimpered. "Lexa, just come back to me."

All she could do now was pray that Lexa woke up. 

And pray she did. 


	12. Chapter 12

A day passed with no change to Lexa’s condition. Clarke refused to leave her bedside, muttering curses at Bellamy each time he tried to coax her to lay down to rest or to come out for some fresh air. Abby sat in a chair in the corner of the room, dread filling her heart as she began to realize the chance that Lexa would not wake up was becoming more and more possible with each passing hour. It broke her heart to see Clarke crumpled over the bed, crying endless tears until her eyes were dry, and even after she could hear stifled sobs from her throat. Clarke refused to eat, to drink, and only slept for a few hours at a time, waking each time with a start and a gasp only to find Lexa was still unconscious. Each time she woke up, there was a fleeting moment of hope in her eyes; but that moment passed over so quickly to allow her heart to be swallowed by sorrow all over again.

It had been a little over a day when Clarke finally got up and walked over to her mother, who had fallen asleep in her chair.

“Mom.”

Abby jumped awake when she heard Clarke’s voice. It was hoarse and broken, and looking at her face made Abby’s heart shatter. Clarke’s eyes were bloodshot from tears, and the pain of her heart seemed to radiate through from her like heat. She could see Clarke’s cheeks were flushed, and knew her fever was spiking again.

“Clarke, you should rest. It’ll do you no good if you make your illness any worse.”

“I can’t.” Clarke snapped. “Not until Lexa wakes up. I…I can’t.”

Abby nodded solemnly, knowing there was no bending Clarke’s will. Her eyes flashed with pain, and she thought Clarke hadn't caught it. But of course, she had.

"Mom?"

Abby forced herself to look into her daughter's eyes, and saw Clarke take a step back when she saw the hesitation in her. "Mom...what are you not telling me?"

Clarke stared as her mother swallowed hard, and dread filled her mind. “Is she going to wake up?” Clarke then asked. Her voice was small now, tentative as though she feared what her mother would say. Abby looked up and saw the desperation in Clarke’s eyes, and knew she could not keep the truth from her daughter any longer.

"Clarke..."

"Tell me she's going to wake up."

“There’s a chance she won’t.” Abby said quietly. Clarke let out a cry and Abby was just in time to catch her when her knees buckled. “But it’s only a slim chance, Clarke.” She murmured as she allowed Clarke to wrap her slender arms around her and bury her face in her neck like she had done so many times as a child. She felt Clarke’s body tremble with the sobs that racked through her, and it pained her infinitely to know that there was nothing she could do to ease her pain.

“I can’t…she can’t die.” Clarke whimpered.  “I don’t know what I’ll do.”

Abby sighed. “I’ll do everything in my power to make sure that won’t happen. But you need to rest, Clarke. I won’t have you dying.”

Clarke was exhausted. She wanted to stay awake; she felt like she _had_ to. But even so, she allowed her mother to take her to the chair next to the bed, and slumped into it, letting her head fall forward to rest on the bed beside Lexa’s arm.

“Wake me up in an hour.” She mumbled as she slipped her hand into Lexa’s and pulled it closer to herself, breathing in the scent that she had come to think of as home.

Lexa made her feel safe. Lexa made her happy. Lexa was home.

She could not lose Lexa.

Not when her heart belonged to Lexa.

If Lexa died, Clarke was sure her heart would die alongside her.

 

* * *

 

The first thing Lexa felt was the throbbing pain in her skull. It was as though an army of little gremlins had climbed inside her head and were hammering away at the inside of her skull like little miners. As she was drawn further out into the real world, she became more and more aware of just how much pain she was in. In addition to her head throbbing as though a thousand horses had galloped over it, she felt her shoulder and wrist burn with the familiar pain of dislocation and broken bones. As she breathed in, she felt the stab of broken ribs on her right side, and flinched ever so slightly before being able to let out a breath. Each breath that followed that first one was pain, but she kept breathing anyway.

She had no idea where she was. She was laying in a bed, the soft covers keeping her warm and comfortable, and so she concluded she wasn’t anyone’s captive. It smelled like home, though she couldn’t quite place what the scent was. Her shoulder, though painful, was somehow bandaged up, as was her wrist. There was a weight beside her left arm, a warmth which she wasn’t quite able to place.

A stifled sob surprised her, and she quickly realized that the weight she’d felt resting against her arm was a person’s head. Their hair tickled the bare skin of her hand, and she soon realized that her hand was enveloped by an extremely familiar hand.

 _Clarke_.  

She opened her eyes slowly, and the light blinded her so much she squeezed them shut again, whimpering slightly at the burning sensation. It took her a long time to figure out how to move her own muscles, but when she did, she squeezed Clarke's hand as tightly as she could for just a fleeting second, hoping it'd soothe her. She felt Clarke stir next to her, and then there was a hand on her cheek, so gentle it was barely touching her. 

“Lexa?”  

Her name came out as a whimper from Clarke’s lips, and Lexa felt her heart twinge at the weakness Clarke’s voice gave away. Clarke certainly sounded like she had been crying. Lexa forced her eyes open again, and saw that Clarke’s eyes were red and puffy from tears. There were still tears on her cheeks, and Lexa longed to reach out and wipe them away. Seeing her awake, however, caused Clarke’s beautiful lips to stretch into a radiant smile, and Lexa felt a happy flutter in her chest which made her feel all too alive. Other than Clarke, she couldn’t see much other than blinding white light and shadowy figures in the distance like fish beneath the water’s surface. 

“Hey.” Clarke breathed, wiping tears from her eyes. “You’re awake.” 

Lexa tried to smile, but found her lips were dry and cracked. “Clarke..” She croaked, her voice hoarse due to her parched mouth. Clarke scrambled to get a water bottle, and after Lexa had been thoroughly nourished she spoke again. 

“Am I dead?”  

Clarke laughed through her tears and shook her head. She leaned in close, resting on her her arms which were on both sides of Lexa’s head so that she could lean her forehead against Lexa’s gently. “No, you’re fine. We’re still at the drop ship.” 

“What hap-pened?”  

Clarke flinched when she heard the slur in Lexa’s voice. She knew it was common after a concussion, especially after one so severe - but nevertheless it caused her heart to ache. She kissed Lexa then, gently, softly, and felt the brunette’s breathing ease when their lips touched. The tightness in her own chest eased as she felt Lexa respond to the kiss, and the terror that had resided within her mind and tormented her for hours fell away as though it had never existed in the first place.

“The warrior threw you into the wall and you were knocked out. I used a sedative to knock him out. He’s restrained upstairs.” Clarke said, her hand stroking Lexa’s cheek gently.

“You didn’t…” Lexa began, wincing in pain as a ringing sounded in her ears. “You didn’t kill him?” 

“No, Lexa. I have an idea. But that’s for later. You should rest.” 

Lexa’s stomach, however, had other ideas. “Bucket.” She muttered as she felt the contents of her belly churn, and Clarke managed to get the bucket just in time as Lexa hurled out everything she’d eaten since childhood. Clarke didn’t even flinch, only averted her eyes slightly out of respect to Lexa. She knew Lexa hated being this weak as it was, and any addition to that feeling was only going to hurt her. 

When Lexa was done heaving, Clarke pushed the bucket aside and took out a wet cloth, with which she wiped Lexa’s mouth and chin in a similar manner as Lexa had done back in the woods days prior. She even brushed her finger along Lexa's lips as Lexa had done with hers, and smiled gently.

“I’d kiss you, but your breath stinks.” She told the brunette, who attempted a frown but flinched when the movement caused pain to erupt behind her eyes.

“You should rest, Lexa.” Clarke whispered as she leaned in close to press a kiss on her forehead. “You need it. I’ll tell Mom to come take a look at you.”

Lexa didn’t know what it was that made her feel so childish in that moment. Perhaps it was the continuous swimming sensation in her brain, or perhaps it was the fact that Clarke was caring for her like no one had before - nevertheless, the words which next exited her mouth would have never been spoken by her were it not for the fact that her inhibitions were completely skewed. 

“Don’t go.” She whimpered, even adding a pout to emphasise her point. Clarke had to bite her lip to prevent herself from ‘awwing’ at the sight of Lexa being a pouty little kid. 

“I’ll be back in a sec.” She told Lexa, patting her thigh gently before getting up and stumbling over to the door with the bucket. She walked out and poured it’s contents some ways’ off before finding her mother.

“She’s awake.”

Abby looked up from her book and set her feet down from the jeep’s dashboard, letting out a sigh of relief. “She is?”

“Yes, she just woke up. That’s a good thing, right?”

Abby smiled at her daughter and pulled her in for a hug. “Yes, Clarke. That means she’ll be just fine.”

They made their way back to the ship, and Clarke remained outside for a little bit while her mother went inside to check on the patient.

Bellamy, who stood outside guarding the ship, acknowledged her with a smile. “Hey. She okay?” 

Clarke nodded as she went to lean against the door frame. “She’ll be fine.” 

“Are you okay?” 

Clarke looked at Bellamy and sighed. “I guess.” 

“You didn’t seem so okay a little while ago.” Bellamy pointed out. 

“Lexa’s fine, so I’m fine.” Clarke blurted out. _Way to go, totally not obvious._ “I mean...I was worried about her.”  _Dammit, Clarke, that’s no better._    

Bellamy eyed her carefully, a knowing smirk on his face. “You love her.” 

Clarke threw him a murderous glare. “Don’t.” 

“Come on, Clarke, you’ve been pining after the  _Heda_  ever since you saw her.” Bellamy teased. Clarke swatted him on the shoulder, glad that he wasn’t trying to talk to her about why she’d left. She didn’t have the energy for that, not now.  _Not ever_ , she thought to herself, despite knowing that was not an option. There would come a time when Bellamy would want to speak with her about it, and she would have to oblige. He was her best friend, after all. He deserved the solace of knowing.

“You love the Heda…” Bellamy continued his teasing. 

“Lexa, not Heda.” She mumbled, shuffling her feet.  

“She told me to not call her Lexa.” Bellamy protested. “If I recall correctly, she threatened to flog me if I ever did.”

Clarke chuckled. She would have to have a word with Lexa about the proper treatment of her friends and a strict ban of any kind of threats against them. “I guess I have privileges then.” 

“Because you love her.” 

“Shut up.” 

Bellamy just laughed. “You should go back to bed. You’re swaying.” 

Clarke rolled her eyes and groaned. “There’s only one bed and I’ll be damned if I let my  _mother_  see me in bed with Lexa.” 

“Don’t worry, she’s leaving soon. There's some Chancellor business back at Arkadia that she can't ignore. I’ll stay here to guard.” 

Just then, Abby walked up to them and enveloped Clarke in a hug. “She’ll be just fine. Not the best patient, though.”

Clarke laughed gently at that. “I expect not.”

“Just keep her in bed and resting.”

“I’ll make sure she does that.”

“And _try_ to stay out of trouble. For my sake.” 

Clarke shrugged. “It’s not like we invited them here.” 

“You know what I mean.” 

“Fine, Mom. I’ll see you in the morning.” 

“Make sure she drinks and eats, okay?” Abby told her. “And if her vision gets worse call me right away.” 

Clarke nodded. “Got it. Bye.” 

Abby left then, leaving Clarke standing beside Bellamy. 

“You better not talk about this to anyone.” She grumbled to him.  

“About what?” Bellamy asked, feigning innocence. Clarke swatted him again and turned to go back inside. Lexa was fast asleep, sprawled out on the bed so wide that Clarke had no means of settling in herself. She nudged the brunette awake carefully, chuckling at the annoyed look that spread onto her face as she woke up. 

“Move over.” Clarke told her, giving her a gentle push to her side. Lexa nodded and shuffled over to the edge, settling her dislocated shoulder against the wall and spreading out her other arm so that Clarke could lay against her. Clarke climbed in carefully, and settled down as gently as she could, thinking Lexa wouldn’t want her pressing on any bruises or broken ribs. Lexa, however, grabbed her waist and pulled her more on top of herself, feeling the weight of Clarke instantly relax her entire being. 

“Doesn’t this hurt?” Clarke asked carefully. 

"No." Lexa muttered.

Clarke shifted slightly, causing Lexa to grimace in pain. Immediately as she did, Clarke tried to pull away, but Lexa's arm around her waist prevented her from doing so. "Lexa...I'm hurting you."

Lexa pressed a kiss onto the top of her head. "I need you here. With me. On me." She murmured. "It doesn't matter if it hurts."

Clarke huffed and laid her head back down against the pillow, her lips grazing Lexa's cheek. "I don't like the idea that I'm hurting you."

"I need this, Clarke."

"Why?"

Lexa sighed. "I need you close."

Clarke remained silent for a while. "I'm not going anywhere, if that's what you're afraid of..."

In response, Lexa's arm around her waist tightened, pulling her even closer. "I don't care. I want to hold you."

"You're stubborn, you know that?"

“Hush.” Lexa slurred. “Lemme sleep.” 

"Fine." 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: dirty things happen  
> i'm feeling very generous, the show is giving me so much joy that i just want to spread it everywhere i can  
> so here is another update in less than 24 hrs lmao  
> y'all are so welcome

Lexa spent the next two days as the patient, despite all her complaints and protests that she was perfectly fine. Clarke was feeling much better, and so insisted that Lexa take the day off and remain in bed and get the rest she needed. The role reversal was refreshing to her, but only at first. It turned out that Abby had been right about Lexa not being the best patient – if anything, the Commander was an insufferably stubborn pain in the ass who kept insisting she was perfectly fine and then demonstrating it by standing up and promptly falling over. 

When she finally agreed to admit that her equilibrium was smashed for the moment, Lexa allowed herself be confined to the bed. That only worked halfway, as the Commander was not fond of laying in bed by herself. Turns out a concussed and drugged Lexa had little to no patience, and with no books or other entertainment to offer, she was in a perpetual state of boredom. Each time she managed to coax Clarke over to talk or give her water ended up with Clarke back in her arms, and after some time Clarke gave up trying to get things done completely. She couldn’t deny the fact that she thoroughly enjoyed the affections Lexa was displaying towards her, and returned them as much as she could. Neither of them really recalled the fact that there were guards right outside - neither of them really cared. 

Even with her continued vomiting and general discomfort, Clarke found Lexa was a lethally adorable patient to deal with. She was dazed and clumsy because of the concussion, and more often than not did she drop or misplace things from her hands. Her speech, too, was not as coherent as usual, which was just simply too cute. 

“Clarke?” 

“Hmm?” Clarke asked, peeking her head around a corner to look at Lexa. “What now?” 

“What are you going to do with...him?” Lexa asked, gesturing upwards with her finger. 

Clarke sauntered over to the bed and climbed in, settling herself against the wall. Lexa shuffled so that her head rested in her lap, and Clarke instinctively set her hands into her brown hair. 

“I’m going to set him free.”  

“You can’t do that, he’ll go to his Queen and tell her about you-” Lexa began hurriedly, her eyes widening in fear. Clarke chuckled and pressed a finger to her lips, cutting her words short as she leaned in and gave her nose a gentle kiss. 

“That’s the plan.” 

“Have you lost your mind?” Lexa exclaimed. She tried to get up, but Clarke pushed her down gently. 

“No, Lexa, I haven’t.” She told her, running a hand over her clavicle and to her jaw. “I have a plan.” 

“And what is that plan?” 

“He’s not wearing a protective suit, now is he?” 

Lexa gaped at her for a moment before realizing what Clarke meant. “You mean...oh.” 

“Good plan, isn’t it?” 

Lexa nodded. “Ingenious. Unless he’s immune.” 

“He’s already got the preliminary signs of infection.” Clarke told her. “Mom checked him. There’s a red spot on his back. I don’t think the Azgeda knew about the outbreak.” 

Lexa nodded. She knew very well that after a few days of exposure a red spot emerged where the bug had started to grow. She also knew that the red fever was not common to the Ice Nation; it was too cold far north where most of the Azgeda lived for bodies to properly rot. They simply froze and were burned, leaving no places for the red centipedes to grow. She knew for a fact that none of the Azgeda were immune to the fever. They didn’t even have the resistance her people had begun to develop. 

“Wiping the Azgeda out with the fever…” Lexa murmured. The thought of using an outbreak of red fever had occurred to her before; how could it not, when the illness was the most deadly and impossible to fight, and caused it’s victims to become bloodlusting creatures? But it was never easy to control, and keeping the outbreak restricted to the enemy was near impossible. 

“They’re a threat, Lexa, you know they are. And we have the perfect weapon. He doesn’t even _know_ he’s sick. All we have to do is make it seem like he’s escaped on his own and he’ll be on his way with his precious information and germs.” 

Lexa nodded. "This attack on us was an act of war. From the first moment that they struck me with their swords, Azgeda's position as one of the 12 ended. The Coalition is at war with them."

Clarke smirked. "You don't have to explain it to me like I'm a child, Lexa. I figured just as much."

"What were they doing here?"

Clarke shrugged. "He hasn't said anything."

“Clarke,” Lexa suddenly said, “I can’t let you do this.” 

“Why not?” 

“I can’t risk the Ice Queen finding out that you’re mine.” 

Clarke stared at Lexa and saw the fear in her eyes. “It’ll be fine, Lexa. She wants the Wanheda dead anyway; nothing will change if she finds that I’m yours.” 

Lexa’s breath hitched when she heard Clarke say that. Clarke noticed, hummed slightly and ran a line with her finger from Lexa’s temple to her jaw. 

“I’m yours, Lexa.” She murmured. She had repeated those words endlessly over the past few days, and never grew tired of the pleasure and joy that filled Lexa’s entire being each time she did. “Yun.” She whispered, and shivers ran down Lexa’s spine when she heard Clarke repeat the word in her own tongue. 

It was all Lexa could do to not swoon in that very moment. She was still dazed, still confused, but Clarke’s words were making her feel like she could scale any mountain, accomplish any feat, like she could run through the seven circles of hell and emerge alive and victorious. Life coursed through her veins with force she had never encountered before, and she could hear her pulse; it was so loud it was almost as though she couldn’t hear anything else. She wanted to have Clarke there and then; she wanted to make Clarke be hers over and over again, and relinquish herself to Clarke in ways she had only done with a few people before. 

Only once had she been someone else’s. Many people had declared themselves to be hers, but her own heart she had been picky with. After Costia, she had locked it away, determined never to give herself to anyone ever again. But then Clarke had burst in from the sky and everything had changed. She hadn’t meant to give herself to Clarke, and she knew Clarke hadn’t meant to take her - it had just happened, as though it had been decided long before the stars had been written into the sky. She hadn’t even realized she was Clarke’s, not at first; it wasn’t until Clarke had backed her into the table and she had been forced to admit that she hadn’t wanted her to die that she had realized where her heart had gone. Ever since then, it had resided with Clarke, and for a fleeting moment she had been happy. But then she had been forced to let it break away, and knowing Clarke neither knew or cared had given Lexa inescapable pains for the duration of those weeks after the Mountain. She had thought she was lost forever, that she had yet again made a wrong decision; but Clarke had come back to her in the most unbelievable of ways, and now she was hers - it was all too much for Lexa to comprehend, but she did not have to. She did not have to wrap her mind around the idea of having Clarke, because Clarke was hers no matter what.

She knew that now. 

“And I’m yours, Clarke.” Lexa murmured in her own tongue. “Yours,” She repeated again, in the enemy’s tongue - no, Clarke’s tongue - and she sighed so contently she was sure a part of her soul had ascended into the heavens with it. She sat up and claimed Clarke’s lips, and Clarke responded to her body as though they were one; chests melding with chests, hips grinding into hips, hands grasping hands and thighs and lips meeting lips over and over again in a desperate declaration of the love they held for one another. 

“I love you, Lexa, you know that right?” Clarke finally breathed. Lexa nodded and smiled, pressing another kiss onto Clarke’s lips. For her people, ‘yours’ was what Clarke’s people meant when they said ‘I love you’. She had been waiting patiently to hear Clarke say those words, knowing they were a big step for her. She had been patient, and the wait had been more than worth it; those three words made everything in the world seem perfect, as though there were nothing except happiness and joy in their world.

“I know.” She murmured. “I love you too, more than I could ever believe.” 

“I hate being sick.” Clarke then muttered.  

Lexa raised an eyebrow. “How so?” 

Clarke smirked and leaned in close, her expression telling Lexa everything she needed to know. “Because I want you. Now. But I can’t because you could die. Or I could die. Or we could both die.” 

Lexa chuckled and slid her hand down along Clarke’s stomach. “Are you sure?” 

Clarke bit her lip and furrowed her brows. “I’ll be too tired to- oh.” 

Lexa’s hand hadn’t stopped when she had thought it would; no, it was still moving, sliding underneath the waistband of her pants and slipping into her underwear and then her fingers grazed her core and Clarke could have sworn Lexa growled upon touching the wetness of her sex. Lexa’s lips were on her neck now, her fingers testing the waters between her thighs, and Clarke felt like she had ascended into some alternate realm.  

“Let me have you, Clarke.” Lexa murmured in between kisses. “Let me satisfy you.” 

Clarke bit her lip as Lexa’s teeth grazed the sensitive skin of her neck. “Please…” 

Lexa’s head came up to level with her own, and Clarke felt her tongue slip into her mouth in a passionate kiss. “Say it, Clarke.” Lexa demanded when she pulled away. “I want to hear you.” 

Her hand had stopped moving in between Clarke’s thighs, just resting atop her core as she waited. Clarke breathed heavily and looked at her with eyes dark with lust. 

“Fuck me, Lexa,” she breathed. “I’m yours. Take me.” 

Lexa grinned slyly and bit down on Clarke’s lower lip as she slid two fingers into Clarke with ease. The blonde moaned at the contact, having spent weeks agonizing over the thought of the slightest touches from Lexa; and now she was in her arms and Lexa’s for the taking. Lexa let out a low groan as she felt the wetness cover her fingers, and began fucking Clarke with a slow, steady rhythm. She was accustomed to fierceness, roughness, fast-paced fucking and almost animalistic sex; but they were not ready for that. That was for when she had to unravel her frustrations, for relaxing after a long, hard battle. This was different. This was Clarke, and Clarke was hers and she was Clarke's and this was meant to be slow, and perfect. Clarke was not a warrior hardened in battle, she was soft and supple and too perfect to be real. She was from the sky, a child of the stars, and Lexa wanted to worship her for that. She felt like she had to take her time to marvel at every moan, every hitched breath, every arch of Clarke’s back and every little whimper that escaped those pink lips as her fingers pressed at Clarke’s core over and over again. Her lips never left Clarke’s face, alternating between kissing along her neck and jaw and her lips. Her thumb began running along her folds as her fingers continued slipping in and out of her, and the first touch to her clit felt like lightning to Clarke - she jolted slightly, but Lexa did not let her move away, pulling her down by the waist to give her even easier access. She paused what she was doing  and pulled her hand away from Clarke’s center, causing a disappointed whimper to escape the blonde’s lips. She smirked and sat up, pushing Clarke up with her. For a moment they stayed there, Lexa’s hands holding Clarke up as their tongues danced on one another. Clarke was straddling Lexa’s lap, and without even realizing her hips began moving slightly again, eliciting a groan from Lexa's throat.

“Take off your shirt.” Clarke breathed. Lexa did as told, baring her torso for Clarke to admire. Clarke’s eyes raked over her bared skin, taking in every tattoo, every scar, every bruise that still remained on Lexa’s skin. Her fingers touched Lexa’s skin gently, and Lexa let her take her time, allowing all else to slip away except the feel of Clarke’s fingertips. They ran up along her ribs, and Clarke’s lips found her neck, and as her fingers trailed up her mouth trailed down until they met at Lexa’s supple breasts, eliciting a low groan from Lexa. Clarke’s lips enclosed around a perfectly round nipple, and her tongue toyed with the tip while her hand cupped Lexa’s breast. Lexa’s breaths were uneven and hitched, and Clarke glanced up to see her looking down at her with her eyes so dark with lust it was incredible. She felt Lexa’s hand come up to the base of her neck, and let herself be guided up to meet Lexa’s lips. Her tongue slipped in her mouth with ease, and Clarke was so preoccupied by Lexa’s mouth that she didn’t notice Lexa’s hands gripping her waist and flipping them around until she was laid gently onto her back on the bed, Lexa coming to kneel over her. It appeared that Lexa's dislocated shoulder bothered her no longer; had Clarke not known about the injury, she would have thought it had never happened from the way Lexa's arm seemed to move perfectly and painlessly.

“Rest, Clarke.” Lexa murmured as her hands began pulling the loose material of Clarke’s pants downwards. “Let me satisfy you.” 

The burning sensation in Clarke’s loins grew with each lingering kiss that trailed downwards towards the junction of her thighs. She was still wearing her shirt, but it was pushed up so her stomach was exposed to Lexa. The brunette took full advantage of this, littering loving kisses wherever skin was exposed, and Clarke considered ending her teasing and pushing Lexa’s head downwards to where she really wanted her mouth. She laced her hand through Lexa’s hair and grabbed her head, but Lexa looked up at her and grinned. 

“Patience, Skaiprisa.” She purred. Clarke groaned as she felt Lexa’s hand run up along the inside of her thigh, skirting around her center and anchoring itself on her hip as Lexa’s lips returned to her skin. They trailed along her hip, and for a moment lingered where Clarke had a long, white scar from a bear attack a few weeks ago. Lexa admired Clarke’s skin and it’s apparent perfection, the lack of scars staggering when compared to her own, battle-worn body. Even having neglected her hygiene to a great extent, Clarke was still staggeringly beautiful. As Lexa slipped her hand back to the blonde’s sex, she felt her mind melt away when she heard the low moan emerge from within Clarke’s chest. She did not care that her head was hurting slightly, or that she was already growing tired; there would be time to rest later. She had waited too long for this. This was what she had wanted for so long, what she had dreamed of for months; Clarke was hers, there, sprawled out on the bed with her legs wide and hers for the taking. Her fingers were inside her, sheathed within pulsing wet hot flesh, which clenched around her each time she pushed them in deeper. Each kiss, each touch elicited whimpers and moans from the Sky Princess, and she wanted to spend an eternity worshipping Clarke for the queen she was. 

She was so close she could smell Clarke’s arousal, and another low growl emerged from her chest as she finally shuffled downwards and admired the sight before her. Lexa buried her face between Clarke’s thighs, and the blonde gasped at the sudden sensation overwhelming her being. Her tongue ran through those intricate folds, and each whimper caused a wave of pleasure to run through Lexa’s own body. Her fingers were still working their magic inside Clarke as she ran her tongue up to Clarke’s clit, causing Clarke to cry out quietly. Lexa heard the guard outside move from his position, and paused slightly to look at Clarke. 

“Quiet.” She purred, her voice soft and demanding. Clarke bit her lip and nodded, and threw her head back as Lexa’s mouth returned back to her sex. She was so close now, dangling over the edge, and she was so aroused she wasn’t sure she had ever felt like this. The sight of Lexa’s head between her thighs, the feel of her mouth and her fingers, the entire situation was so infinitely hot that Clarke felt like she was drunk.

The wait had been too long. 

Her fingers tightened around Lexa’s brown curls as she came closer to the brink. Lexa noticed this, and kept her pace, knowing any change would only hinder Clarke’s release. A low groan escaped Clarke’s lips as her back arched, and then she fell down and became undone right before Lexa’s eyes. Her muscles clenched around Lexa’s fingers as she continued to lick at her sex, determined to go on until Clarke told her to stop. 

A gentle tug at her hair was all Clarke could manage, but Lexa stopped nevertheless, rising to her knees to fully take in the view before her. Clarke was entirely spent, sprawled on the bed with her legs still wide open, a content smile playing on her lips as she looked at Lexa.  

Lexa felt dizziness take over her mind, and laid back down, flipping them so that she was laying beneath Clarke. 

“I want you to lay on top of me.” Clarke muttered as she shuffled upwards to meet Lexa’s lips. She could taste her own arousal in Lexa’s mouth, and it turned her on more than she dared to admit. 

“You shouldn’t lay on your back. Not yet.” 

Clarke sighed. “I know.” 

Lexa shut her eyes for a minute to stop the world from spinning. Of course, Clarke noticed immediately, and concern struck her mind. “Lexa, are you okay?” 

Lexa tried to nod, feeling her mind clouding as she slurred out some kind of a response. “ 'M fine.” But then exhaustion took over, and she fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you're more than welcome  
> also i got a killer idea for an AU and i'm probs gonna write it so tune in for that shit too  
> i love you all just in case you didn't know you make me feel like a special lil butterfly


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm really having so much fun with this fic  
> i hope you guys are enjoying this as much as i am

_“Lexa, are you okay?”_

_Lexa tried to nod, feeling her mind clouding as she slurred out some kind of a response. “ 'M fine.” But then exhaustion took over, and she fell asleep._

Not that Clarke knew that. What Clarke saw was Lexa's eyes roll back in her head as she slurred out some inaudible words before promptly passing out. 

"Lexa?"

But there was no response, not even when Clarke shook her gently. "Lexa!"

By this point, Clarke was definitely freaking out.  She grabbed the radio from the bedside table, practically punched the red button with shaky hands and prayed her mother would answer.

“Mom!”

A second passed before the line crackled and a response came through. “Clarke?”

“Lexa just passed out,” Clarke stammered. “I--”

“I’m on my way.”

Clarke put the radio down and looked back at Lexa, concern in her eyes. The brunette appeared to be sleeping, but even so Clarke cursed herself for letting Lexa exhaust herself like that. She carefully climbed off of Lexa, remembering her broken ribs and bruised abdomen, and padded over to find Lexa’s shirt and her own pants. She figured her mother didn’t have to know the whole story of what lead up to Lexa’s fainting.

When Abby arrived not ten minutes later, Clarke had Lexa and herself fully clothed. The brunette’s condition had not changed, and Clarke was sitting on her bedside, stroking her face gently. Abby entered quietly, taking in the scene before her for a moment before she walked over and placed her hand on Clarke’s shoulder.

“What happened?”

“We...we were...talking, and...she just fainted.”

“Why don’t you go outside for a moment? Get some fresh air. I’ll call you when I’m done.”

Clarke did as told, wheeling her IV drip along with her as she went outside. The sun was shining overhead, but it was a little chilly - after all, it was already autumn. She grabbed a blanket from next to the door before walking out to find Octavia and Raven sitting nearby.

“Clarke!” They cried out, scrambling up and hurrying over. Clarke suddenly felt flustered, but allowed the two girls to hug her before sitting down onto the ledge of the ship. She shuddered as the sharp autumn wind ran along her skin, and she wrapped her blanket tightly around her body to ward off the cold. Raven came to sit next to her, and Clarke noticed her leg was in a newer, improved brace, strapped on top of her airtight suit. Noticing her stare, Raven smirked.

“Used some parts from the Mountain. Works like a charm.” To demonstrate her point, she swung her leg smoothly, and Clarke smiled.

“That’s great, Raven.”

Octavia sat on her other side, and she felt a gentle nudge on her shoulder and looked to her side to see Octavia’s eyes glaring into hers.

“Why did you leave, Clarke?” Octavia asked quietly. She appeared angry, which Clarke more than understood. 

“I...I didn’t want to stay. I couldn’t stay.” She muttered, swinging her legs and fixing her gaze on her feet. “I was going to come back for visits, but...things happened.”

“Yeah, we heard.” Raven quipped, only a small bit of sarcasm dripping from her voice. “Are you okay?”

“What did you hear?”

“That you got sick and that the Commander saved your life.”

“Lexa,” Clarke corrected her. Raven’s eyebrows raised slightly, but Clarke did not notice as her eyes were still fixed on her feet. “I got sick. Nearly died. Lexa saved me. That’s what happened.”

The two girls exchanged a look, and Raven nodded at Octavia to continue.

“What happened to you, Clarke?” Octavia asked gently. “You seem different.”

“I committed a genocide. That’s what happened.” Clarke muttered.

“No, not that. You seem...dangerous. But it’s not a bad thing. You just seem like you could kill anyone within a second if you wanted.”

Clarke raised her eyes to look at Octavia, confusion written all over her face. “How is that not a bad thing?”

“You can take care of yourself, Clarke. You could before, I know, but now it’s obvious. Even your mom has to see that you’re no longer a kid.”

“You haven’t seen me for months. What makes you think you know me?”

Octavia flinched slightly, and Clarke felt sorry. “I’m sorry, I just...I’m worried, okay? I don't really...I'm a little preoccupied.”

“Why?”

“Lexa--” Clarke choked on the words and fought back the tears. “She fainted. And it’s kind of my fault. And if she’s dead or in a coma or something I don’t know what I’ll do--”

“Clarke, she’ll be fine.” Raven interjected, placing a gloved hand on her arm. “Don’t worry.”

“I can’t control it.” Clarke muttered, resuming her leg-swinging.

“Why is the Commander still here?” Octavia asked. “You’re pretty much fine. Shouldn’t she return to Polis?”

Clarke flinched when she thought of Lexa leaving her, even if it was only temporary. “She…she’s sick.”

“Yeah, but before the attack she could have left easily. We could maintain a guard detail here perfectly fine.”

Clarke’s mouth felt dry, and she wasn’t sure what to say. “She…” Her words faded away, and both Octavia and Raven let it drop. They saw how exhausted Clarke was, how worry seemed to have overtaken her entire presence. There would be time for more questions later.

“Clarke?”

Clarke scrambled up as quickly as she could when she heard her mother calling for her. Her legs were still weak from the receding pneumonia and fever, and so she allowed Octavia to help her back into the ship where Abby was waiting patiently.

“She’s fine, Clarke. Just sleeping.” Abby told her. “She probably just wore herself out, though I cannot for my life figure out how someone can exhaust themselves out in bed.”

Clarke bit her lip and prayed her mother didn’t think too deeply about that fact. “So I just..overreacted?”

“Keep her resting. Don’t let her wear herself out again. It’ll only make her healing slower.” Abby told her. Clarke sighed, knowing this was essentially an impossible feat.

“You look tired, too. Have you been sleeping?” Abby asked, looking around the ship and only seeing a hammock in the corner. “Don’t tell me you’ve been sleeping in that.”

Clarke shifted uncomfortably and remained quiet. Her mother, still quite oblivious, stepped in closer and pulled her face up to look at her properly. “Your cheeks are red. Are you okay?”

Clarke rolled her eyes and pushed her mother’s hands away. “I’m fine.”

“You shouldn’t sleep in that hammock. It’s not good for your back.”

“I haven’t been sleeping in the hammock.”

Abby’s brows furrowed. “Then where--” Her eyes flickered over to Lexa’s bed, and in that moment everything clicked. “Oh.”

Clarke just stood there, feeling embarrassed and annoyed and so vulnerable that she just wanted to dart away. She certainly would have, were it not for the fact that her legs had little to no strength.

“You...and the Commander?”

“Lexa.” Clarke corrected her. “And...yeah.”

“You’ve been sleeping with her?”

This was not something Clarke wanted to be discussing with her mother. Ever.

“Uh…in the same bed, yeah...”

Abby eyed her daughter carefully, only now noticing the extent to which Clarke seemed to care for Lexa. “You love her, don’t you?”

Clarke’s blue eyes met her own and in that instant, she knew. Abby chuckled slightly and shook her head. “You never were one to talk about your heart.” Clarke watched her mother carefully. “Besides, it makes sense.”

“How?”

“Clarke,” Abby smiled, “I’ve never seen you as worried as you are right now about her. And earlier, too. I don't think I've ever seen you cry like that. It’s wearing you out, sweetheart. She’s fine. Trust her doctor.”

Clarke shrugged and chewed her lip. “I just don’t want her to die.”

“She’s not going to die, Clarke.” Abby sighed, pulling Clarke in for a hug. “You might, if you don’t get any rest soon.” She let go of Clarke and led her to the bed, promptly sitting her on the bedside next to Lexa. “And whatever it is that you did to exhaust her this much...you might want to wait a little bit more before you do that again. Okay?”

Clarke groaned as she realized her mother knew what they had done, and let herself fall into the bed next to Lexa. Abby chuckled again and walked to the door, where she paused for just a second. She watched as a sleepy Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke’s waist and pulled her in closer, and saw how Clarke’s body seemed to melt into the brunette’s; the two of them were perfect for one another, she could see that now. With a sigh, she turned and walked outside, noticing Raven and Octavia peering at the pair from behind the door frame.

“Girls. Give them some privacy.” Abby scolded quietly. Raven stood up and looked away, but had to nudge Octavia to get her to tear her eyes away from Clarke and Lexa. Both their eyes were as wide as they went, and Abby laughed quietly at their apparent surprise.

“Do collect your jaws from the floor before you trip on them.” She told them as she walked down to the car.

Octavia sat down against the ships’ wall as Raven lowered the door down from the outside. “They’re…”

“Whoa.” Raven said, just as astonished. She had suspected something had been going on between Clarke and the Commander, but seeing her climb into bed with the Commander was entirely different from just suspecting they maybe had a crush on one another.

“How long do you think this has been going on?” Octavia wondered aloud. “I mean, this is huge.”

Raven shrugged and sat down with some difficulty. She still held a dislike of the Commander because of Finn and the whole ‘torture her till she dies’ incident. But she had seen how terrified Clarke had been for her when she’d thought she was dying, and seeing them cuddling in bed had made her rethink her opinion of the girl. The smile that had spread onto Clarke's face when Lexa's arms had slid around her waist had been brighter than the sun. Just that was enough to convince Raven that perhaps she had judged the Commander too harshly.

Octavia thought back to when she’d walked Clarke back into the ship. When she’d stood next to Clarke, near to where Lexa was sleeping, she had been certain she had seen the Commander stir in her sleep, reach slightly towards Clarke and mumble just one word.

 _Yun_.

Of all people, Octavia certainly knew the meaning of that word. Lincoln had murmured it to her more than a thousand times, as she had to him; she was his as he was hers, and with a start she realized Clarke and Lexa were the same.

“They’re...they’re in love, Raven.” She stammered. Raven stared at her, eyebrows scrunched together.

“You’re being ridiculous. How could they be in love when she betrayed Clarke? And made her kill Finn? Not to mention it's really soon?”

“Raven, I heard her say ‘yun’ to Clarke. Do you know what that means?”

Raven shook her head.

“It means yours, Raven.”

“And?”

“Grounders don’t use that word in vain.” Octavia scoffed. “Lincoln...he says it to me. I’m his and he’s mine. That’s how love works for them.”

“You’re saying Clarke is in love with the Commander?”

“Makes sense, doesn’t it?”

Raven shrugged. “I don’t like her.”

“I’m not sure I do either. But Clarke trusts her. And she saved Clarke’s life more than once. If Clarke has managed to forgive her, maybe she’s not so bad after all.”

“Maybe.”

“Do you think anyone else knows?”

“Probably not. I don’t think Clarke wants anyone to know. Not yet, anyway.”

Raven sighed and tossed a rock to the side. “Clarke’s changed.”

Octavia nodded. “She’s more like a Grounder now. I’m actually scared of her.”

“She...she used to be soft. She still is.” Raven pondered. “But there’s a layer on top of her now, like an armor. It’s like she doesn’t want to let us in.”

“Maybe she doesn’t. We’re not the ones who were forced to pull that lever.” Octavia said. “It’s scary how she still carries herself like a leader, you know?”

Raven nodded. “If she came back to the camp, Abby would have trouble keeping power. The people _want_ to follow Clarke. I want to follow Clarke. She..I trust her.”

“You know the Grounders call her Wanheda, right?”

“Wanheda…”

“Commander of death.” Octavia translated. “They think she’s some sort of mythical creature.”

“Maybe she is. She managed to hide in the woods for months without being seen by anyone. And then she nearly died from a fatal disease, but didn't.”

“She’s still clearly weak.”

“Mm...but I bet she could still kick your ass if necessary.”

“Why would she need to kick my ass?” Octavia asked, looking offended. “I haven’t done anything.”

“Don’t tell Bell about her and Lexa.” Raven said. “Let Clarke figure that out for herself.”

“Bellamy’s her best friend, nothing more.” Octavia told her. “He’ll be fine.”

“I know. But he’ll also be worried for Clarke. Just promise you won’t tell?”

“I can’t believe you don’t trust me with a secret!”

“I’m just making sure. I don’t want anything driving Clarke away.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in which Clarke finally takes care of her hygiene  
> i have so much written of this already its taking all my restraint not to dump it all on you guys at once  
> also i started a clexa au so if you want go check that out its pretty awesome

“Clarke?”

Clarke jumped awake when she felt Lexa’s hand on her cheek, and looked up to see Lexa staring at her with a confused expression on her face. “What--”

“You idiot!” Clarke cried, getting further up to meet her eyes and glaring at her. “I thought you died!”

Lexa just stared at her. Clarke's voice, although pleasant on it's own, was loud and sharp in her ears and caused her pain. She had no idea what had happened; the last thing she could remember was watching the sunlight glisten on Clarke’s bare legs and stomach and then it was just blank. It was dark now, and she was wearing a shirt she hadn’t been wearing before. She had no idea what Clarke was talking about, only that her voice was making her head throb with pain.

“What happened?” She mumbled.

“You fainted, that’s what happened.” Clarke snapped. Lexa winced when her voice caused pain to erupt in her head, and Clarke immediately softened her voice.

"I'm sorry, is your head hurting?"

"It's fine." Lexa said with a general wave of her hand. "Did we have--"

"Yes, we had sex, and then you went and fucking  _fainted_ , Lexa-- I thought you were dead or dying!" Clarke snapped. She was trying so hard to be angry at the girl before her, but Lexa's confusion was so adorable that it was getting the best of her.  “I let you tire yourself out when I shouldn’t have, and you fainted and I thought you died and you’ve been knocked out for like seven hours and--”

Clarke’s words were muffled when Lexa’s lips covered hers, as was her protest at the sudden interruption.

“You were rambling.” Lexa said sheepishly when she pulled away. “Makes my head hurt.”

“I’m so sorry.” Clarke said quickly. “I didn’t mean to…” She shook her head, the glare returning to her eyes. “I’m still mad at you.”

“Why?”

“You fainted, Lexa.” Clarke said quietly. “You just collapsed. I was so scared. Why didn’t you tell me you were tired? You could have stopped any time--”

“I’m fine, Clarke. I’m not dead, and it was certainly worth it.”

Clarke grumbled and rested her head on Lexa’s shoulder. “You scared the living shit out of me.”

“I’m sorry. Next time I’ll try not to faint.”

"You better. Do that again and I'll kill you, I swear." Clarke grumbled. “I didn’t even get to return the favor.”

“Do you want to now?”

Clarke tensed slightly. She certainly wanted to, but knew better than that. “I can’t. My _mother_ , whom I had to summon to tell me you weren’t in a coma or dead, told me you’re not allowed to...tire yourself out.”

“Tire myself out? Did you tell her that we--”

“Let’s just say she figured it out.”

“How?”

Clarke shrugged. “She...she asked where I’d been sleeping when she saw there was just one bed, and then I told her I’d been sleeping in it with you, and she asked me if I loved you and I said yes...and then she of course remembered there _is_ something you can do in bed that exhausts you.”

Lexa chuckled. “You’re cute when you ramble.”

“It was awful! I do not want to talk about my love life with my mother, let alone what I do in bed…” Clarke shuddered at the thought.

The brunette sighed and relaxed on the bed, her arms falling limply onto Clarke’s waist. “I wish my head would fix itself soon. I want to have you again.”

Clarke suddenly felt embarrassed when she recalled again the fact that she hadn’t returned the favor for Lexa. “You’ll just have to wait.”

“I can wait.” Lexa mused. “I memorized every single detail about what we did earlier, so well that I could surely live on that for the rest of my life.”

Clarke blushed then, and Lexa chuckled. “You are so beautiful, Clarke.” She murmured as she ran a hand up Clarke’s spine. “Especially after you’ve climaxed...it was an exquisite sight.” She nipped at Clarke’s ear, and Clarke shuddered as her hot breath tickled her skin. She felt her stomach flip, and knew she was becoming aroused again. Lexa continued pressing kisses along her neck and murmuring into her ear, telling her how hot she’d looked, until she abruptly stopped and looked at Clarke in amusement.

“You are sufficiently aroused now, yes?”

Clarke let out a deep breath and nodded. Lexa’s hand slid down along her stomach and dipped down between her thighs for just the shortest moment, touching the slick wetness that had gathered there. She brought her hand up to her lips and licked her finger clean, seeing Clarke’s eyes widen with surprise and lust. Lexa chuckled when she saw that, and leaned her head back against the pillow. “Good. That makes two of us.”

“You did that on purpose?” Clarke exclaimed, suddenly incredibly frustrated from being aroused and knowing she was to have no release. “That’s…evil.”

“Am I the only one who is supposed to be frustrated?” Lexa asked innocently.

“No, of course not, but...that was just mean.”

“You’re pretty when you’re lusting after me.” Lexa murmured again. “But now I wish to sleep.”

Clarke huffed. “I think I’ve slept plenty.”

“Don’t go, Clarke.”

Clarke just smirked and stood up, leaving Lexa pouting alone in the bed. “I think I’m going to try and have a bath. Kind of overdue, don’t you think?”

Lexa just rolled her eyes and turned to her side, closing her eyes to go to sleep. Clarke disconnected her IV and placed a piece of tape onto the end of the short tube coming from the needle in her hand before padding over to the door and slipping outside.

There, she found Bellamy, sitting against the door with a gun in his lap.

“Hey.” She said quietly, surprising him. It was clear he had been deep in thought.

“Hey.” Bellamy said. “Why are you up?”

“Couldn’t sleep. Been sleeping all day.”

“I noticed.”

Clarke blushed as she sat down next to him. “You saw?”

“Yeah. And Raven and Octavia have seen you two as well, just as a heads up.”

“They won’t say anything, right?”

“No.”

“Good.” Clarke sighed. “How are you?”

“I’m good.” Bellamy said.

“How’s life been treating you?”

“Good. Got a girlfriend.”

“That’s great. Who?”

“Gina.”

“Haven’t you been pining over her for years?”

“Maybe a year.” Bellamy shrugged.

"Took you long enough." Clarke smirked. “She’s hot.”

“Don’t you go getting any ideas. She’s _my_ girlfriend.”

Clarke laughed. “Don’t worry. I’ve got--” She faltered, but Bellamy raised his eyebrows expectantly.

“Out with it, Clarke.”

“I’ve got Lexa.”

“So she’s your girlfriend?”

“I don’t know. She’s...she’s mine. And I’m hers. That make sense?”

Bellamy nodded, a knowing smirk stretching onto his lips. “The Grounder way. Yeah, it makes sense. So basically you’ve got a girlfriend and a fiancee and a wife, all in one. Congrats.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Who could have believed it?”

“Not me. I was sure you were going to kill her. I even bet my finest bottle of moonshine on it with Monty.” Bellamy chuckled. "I'll be sad to see that bottle go."

“Maybe I still will. She’s being a pain in the ass at the moment.”

“Trouble in paradise?”

Clarke caught her breath and pondered for a while whether she should tell him. “She...frustrates me. On purpose. You get me?”

Bellamy thought for a moment, then nodded. “You mean-?"

"Yeah."

"That's...annoying, I guess.”

“And it’s only because I won’t have sex with her because we’re both sick and the last time we did she _fainted_ for seven hours. It’s only reasonable to hold off, right?”

“Clarke, you’re sleeping in the same bed. It’s only reasonable that she’s frustrated.”

“But I’m now frustrated, too.”

“Sharing is caring, right?” Bellamy smirked. “Glad I don’t have to hold off with Gina, that’s for sure.”

Clarke made a face. “Please do not go into any more detail.”

“Of course not. You don’t need to hear about my heroic conquests in the bedroom. And other rooms. Everywhere, really.”

“Ugh…” Clarke groaned. “You’re insufferable.”

“You’re the one who brought up a topic I could go on endlessly about.”

“I actually came here to ask you a favor.”

“Of course you did.”

“I want to take a bath.”

“That would require a fire to heat up water.” Bellamy thought aloud. “I was thinking I’d light the fire in the morning, but I suppose now’s as good a time as any.”

“What time is it?”

“About four hours till sunrise.”

Clarke couldn’t believe she was awake so early, nor that she was feeling perfectly rested. “Well? May I have my bath or not?”

“You’re asking for a lot.” Bellamy smirk. “A lot of carrying.”

“Please, Bell? I stink.”

Bellamy leaned in for just a second to sniff, and made a disgusted face which Clarke knew was exaggerated.

“Stink? You reek like a thousand rotting corpses. I can’t believe she lets you sleep in the same bed with her.”

Clarke stuck her tongue out at him. “She smells just as bad.”

“Maybe you two are so well suited because you share the same fungi and bacteria on your filthy selves. Similar grime is attracted to one another, that sort of thing. I'm sure it was covered in our Earth Science class.”

"Oh shut up, Bell." Clarke laughed. Something he had said struck her, and her laughter died away as she took a breath. “You think we're well suited?”

Bellamy paused for a second to study Clarke. “Yeah.”

“Didn’t think you’d take it like that.”

“She’s a leader, like you. And she challenges you. She gets you, that much I can see. And so far as I can tell, she seems every bit as headstrong as you, not to mention the fact that she's saved your life what, three times? Yeah. She protects you. That's good. If she hurts you, though, I won't have any other choice than to kill her."

Clarke laughed. "She'd skin you alive if you ever even tried."

"She better not break your heart, then."

"I have a feeling she won't."

"You seem happy.”

“I am happy.”

“Good. Now how about you sit your butt down and rest so Abby doesn’t murder me for keeping you up so late? I’ll go up to tell the guards that I’ll be out for a bit.”

Clarke sat down against the side of the ship and turned her eyes to the sky. Stars twinkled overhead, like little diamonds, and Clarke felt at home. The moon loomed over the horizon, it’s round shape visible through the naked branches of the trees. Wind blew in the canopies, rustling the remaining dry leaves and casting them into the air and tossing them about. The woods themselves were pitch black, and Clarke couldn’t see much beyond the circle of light provided by the lantern next to her.

Bellamy returned shortly after with a blanket for her and a guard she did not recognize - his name was Jeremy or Jacob or something of the sort - who settled a few yards to her left, his gun poised carefully as his watchful eyes scoured the clearing before them. After setting up a fire in the clearing, Bellamy took the jeep, and disappeared into the woods. Even long after the car had disappeared out of view, Clarke could still hear it crashing through the woods until she couldn’t.

It was chilly out, she realized that now, and the blanket Bellamy had brought was certainly useful. She wrapped it around herself and relaxed, watching her breath rise into the dark blue of the skies.

 _I was born up there,_ Clarke thought to herself, _I grew up there._ She suddenly realized she missed the Ark. Not the last months of her life there, but what it had been before; the tight-knit compartments, the community, all the people….and her father.

She wished her father would have been there with her. She wished he could have seen the Ground. She knew he would have loved it all, and could still recall all the times he'd told her what he'd do on the Ground. She missed him dearly, and a single tear slipped out of the corner of her eye as she tried to recall his face. Back at Arkadia, she had a picture of him in her room. She wanted to see that picture now, and decided she’d ask her mother to bring it the next time she came round.

The freedom she had been granted on the ground had and still was dumbfounding. The sheer amount of space around her never failed to astound her; even now, months after being on the ground, she found herself worrying about the air running out or wondering whether she’d get a little more water rations to wash her hair. Here, there was an abundance of air and water, too. She had never had a bath before she had come to the ground. It was a luxury to her, and she truly loved sinking into hot water and letting it engulf her. 

Bellamy’s jeep rolled back into view, and she smiled when she saw him carrying buckets and buckets of water to the large metal basin they had used as a bath tub back when they had lived here.

When the water was heating up, Bellamy came over and sat back next to her.

“How’s life for you, Bell?” Clarke asked after a long moment of silence. “How are things at the camp?”

Bellamy looked at her, and Clarke realized he had questions of his own that she would have to answer.

“Everyone misses you, Clarke. But things are good. We’re preparing for winter with supplies from the mountain. Your mother is doing a good job as Chancellor. Raven’s the assistant head mechanic now, and Octavia is our Grounder ambassador along with Kane. The Grounders come regularly to meet with us, and the truce is still in place. The Commander has even offered us help to set up for the winter.”

Clarke smiled when she heard that, thinking of Lexa and her kind nature. “Anything else?”

“A few babies have been born. A few deaths. The usual. But the camp is prospering, Clarke. You should come back.”

_There it is._

“Bell…” Clarke sighed. “I can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t?” There was a hint of anger in his voice.

Clarke faltered for a brief second. “Both.”

“Why, Clarke?”

“I...I don’t want to be a leader. I don’t want to be confined to the camp. I know you’re the guard and you can do pretty much what you please, but...Mom would never let me live like that. And I really like my own freedom.”

“We miss you, Clarke. You can’t live in the woods forever.”

“I can’t live with them, not after what I did.”

“Winter is coming, Clarke. It’ll get cold and there’ll be snow. What will you do then?”

Clarke shrugged. “I’ll figure it out.”

“It’s been two months, Clarke. Isn’t that enough?”

“Enough of what? I don’t even know what I’m doing, Bell. I feel happy when I’m alone.”

“If it’s forgiveness you want…”

“I don’t need forgiveness. I regret what I did, yes, but I’ve accepted it. I did what I did so our people could have their best chance.” Clarke interrupted. “I just…if I come back, I’ll be relied on again. I don’t want that, not yet. I don’t want them to treat me like a hero when I’m not one.”

Bellamy nodded solemnly. “I guess that makes sense. But we still miss you.”

“Maybe I’ll come to visit.”

“But where will you spend the winter?”

“I’ll figure something out.”

“Thinking of moving in with your lady?” Bellamy joked, nudging Clarke gently. Clarke, however, thought on this and found it was not at all displeasing. She certainly loved sleeping with Lexa, and the thought of living apart made panic flutter in her chest.

“Maybe. If she’ll have me.”

“So you’ll rather live with the Grounders than your own people?”

Clarke heard the jab in Bellamy’s voice, and flinched ever so slightly. “Bell…it’s not like that and you know it isn’t.”

“I know.”

“Maybe I could be like a…resident ambassador?” Clarke suggested.

“Maybe.” Bellamy replied. “But I’d still miss you.”

“It’s not like I’ll be gone forever, Bell.” Clarke scoffed. “I just don’t want to live in the camp anymore. I spent all my life confined to small spaces. The thought of having to ask permission to leave just makes me queasy. And even if I don't have to ask, I just know Mom will have people watching me where I go. ”

Bellamy stared at the sky. “Do you ever miss it?”

Clarke’s eyes followed his gaze, and she realized he was thinking of the Ark as well. “Yeah. Sometimes.”

“It was simpler then.”

“Yeah. And we didn’t have to kill people.”

“Well…” Bellamy began. “Maybe _we_ didn’t, but people did die.”

“I know.” Clarke said quietly. “But that wasn’t home. This is home. The ground…it’s where we belong.”

“Sometimes I don’t feel that way.”

“That’s because you’re stuck in that little camp of yours.” Clarke teased him gently. “And you’re wearing a ridiculous suit.”

“I’d die if I didn’t, remember? You’re contagious.”

Clarke groaned. “Don’t remind me. I feel bad as it already is.”

 “It’s like I’m back in space again. It’s kind of a space suit, you know? I'm a walker.”

“Like you ever walked outside.” Clarke chuckled. “You would have spiraled into the Moon.”

“You know that’s not even possible.”

“You still look ridiculous.”

“Shut up.”

Clarke laughed as Bellamy shoved her gently, and for a moment, she forgot about the camp and everyone else.

“Maybe we can start our own settlement somewhere.” Bellamy mused quietly after a while. “Somewhere fresh.”

“You could.”

“Wouldn’t you want to join?”

“I’d have to think about it.”

“You know, I think your bathwater is boiling.” Bellamy said as he stood up to go take the large pot of water off of the flames. Clarke waited as the two guards lugged the small bathtub into the ship. Miraculously enough, Lexa didn’t wake up, not even when Bellamy pushed an empty bucket over, sending it clattering across the metal floor with an awful lot of noise. Normally, she would have been roused by the snapping of a twig yards away; but, being sick and completely spent, Lexa was as good as dead. Not literally dead, but sleeping so soundly Clarke was sure she could have fired a cannon next to her and she wouldn't have woken up.

Slowly, Bellamy carried buckets of steaming water into the basin, and then filled the rest up with cold water until it was hot but not too hot. Clarke had noticed a few tufts of lemon-grass growing near the ship, and put a hefty amount of it into the water to soak, hoping it’d make her smell a little more like lemons and a little less like the weeks of grime coating her skin.

“All yours, Princess.” Bellamy said, quietly so as to not wake Lexa. “Enjoy.” With a smirk, he walked outside and shut the door. The other guard went back upstairs, where he was guarding their Azgeda prisoner. There wasn’t much to guard; the prisoner was kept sedated so to make sure he didn’t escape. Nevertheless, Abby had insisted on putting a guard detail on him, and Clarke had agreed. It was a little added touch to their safety and more than welcome.

Clarke touched the water with her elbow and deemed it hot enough for her tastes. Slowly, she undressed herself, placing the dirty clothes in a pile in the corner. Halfway through undressing, she realized she’d need new, clean clothes, and rummaged through the box her mother had brought till she found a new blue shirt and grey pants to go with it. There was also a new pair of underwear, which Clarke was infinitely thankful for; she had been wearing the same pair for god knows how long, and although she had washed it repeatedly she had begun to feel perpetually filthy in her grimy clothes.

She set the pile of clothes on a chair near the water basin, along with a towel, and stepped out of her loose pants. Slowly she stepped into the bath, hissing as the hot water burned her skin. She lowered herself in anyway, feeling the layers of dirt and blood and grime melting off of her skin as the water rushed at her. The water smelled quite the bit like lemons, and she lowered herself under the surface completely, running her hands through her hair to wash it.

When she emerged, she heard a small sigh from the direction of the bed and turned to see Lexa wide awake, staring at her.

“Go back to sleep.” Clarke said tenderly, offering Lexa a gentle smile. “I’ll try to be as quiet as I can.”

Lexa remained silent as she pushed the covers off of herself and stood up, her legs wavering. She stumbled over to the tub, kneeling beside it and resting her head on her arms on it’s side. A smile played on her lips, and Clarke looked at her in confusion.

“You really should sleep.”

“You’re beautiful.” Lexa hummed. Her finger drew lines on the surface of the water, and Clarke now noticed her eyes were looking anywhere but at her face. She blushed slightly, feeling flustered, but continued washing herself under Lexa’s watchful eye.

She laid back in the tub and closed her eyes, thinking that’d get Lexa to go back to bed. Instead of that, Lexa stood up and shed her own clothes, promptly stepping into the bath with Clarke and thoroughly surprising the blonde.

“Lexa, what—“ She began, but Lexa just parted her legs determinedly and settled herself between them, leaning back onto Clarke’s body. Clarke’s breath hitched as she felt Lexa’s naked body melt into hers, and for a moment, they both were quiet.

“I figured I should bathe too.” Lexa finally said, turning her head slightly to throw a coy smile at Clarke. Clarke rolled her eyes and slid her hands around Lexa’s waist, pulling her even closer to her own body. She rested her head on Lexa’s shoulder, pushing brown locks out of her way as she pressed a soft kiss on the supple skin above her clavicle.

“You made the water spill over the edge.” She murmured.

“Who cares?”

“I’ll have to wipe it up.”

“Later.” Lexa mumbled, feeling every cell in her body relaxing as the heat seeped through into her.

It was all Clarke could do to not let her hands slip lower along Lexa’s toned stomach. She longed to feel Lexa, to have Lexa like Lexa had her; but she also did not want to kill Lexa by accident. The feel of Lexa’s naked body against hers was certainly new and all too pleasant for words, but there would be more than enough time for indulging in pleasure when they were both in better shape.

“Ai hod yu in, Leksa.” Clarke whispered. _I love you._  She had asked Octavia to teach her those words, along with some other phrases which she had already decided to use in the future. She felt shivers run down Lexa’s spine, and did not need to see her face to know that Lexa was smiling.

“Ai hod yu in seintaim, ain enkel.” Lexa replied. Clarke did not know what the last two words meant, but the warmth in Lexa’s voice when she said them told her they were somehow very special.

“Ain enkel?” Clarke repeated, question in her voice. Lexa turned in her arms, and Clarke was slowly pressed against the edge of the tub as Lexa’s lips engulfed her own. When they parted, Lexa remained there, their faces just inches apart, green eyes staring into blue.

“My angel,” Lexa whispered. “Flung out of space.”

Clarke smiled at that. “I don’t have a nickname for you.”

“Not yet. I’m sure you’ll think of something.” Lexa smiled. She sat back in the tub and began washing herself. Clarke watched as though she were hypnotized as Lexa rubbed every inch of her body, only now realizing that she hadn’t been the only one covered in grime. Bit by bit, clean, shiny skin emerged, and the water in the tub became dirtier. Lexa spent a long while undoing the braids in her hair, and Clarke noted how intricately tied they were, with golden strands of yarn and jewels which she hadn’t noticed before. Lexa set them on the chair nearby, and finally raised her eyes to stare into Clarke's.

“Let me wash your hair.” Clarke said to Lexa. The girl looked at her curiously, but moved over to lay her head in the water before Clarke anyway. Clarke laced her fingers through Lexa’s wet hair, feeling some of those brown hairs falling down to rest and tickle on her stomach and thighs as she washed the dirt and blood away.

“How’s your head?” She asked as she rubbed circles on Lexa’s scalp. The girl’s eyes were closed from the pleasant feeling from the massage she was receiving, and for a while she didn’t respond.

"Hurts."

"Much?"

“It’s fine.”

“Still spinning?”

“Not so much. A little.”

“Good.” Clarke smiled. She continued massaging Lexa's scalp, and grinned when she heard a barely audible moan of appreciation leave the brunette's lips. After a long while, Clarke stopped and Lexa sat up, causing the water to pour slightly over the edge of the tub. Clarke turned just in time to catch the adorably wide yawn that stretched across Lexa’s face, and she couldn’t help her reaction.

“Aww—“ She clamped her hand over her mouth, seeing Lexa glare at her and snap her mouth shut. “I’m sorry, Lexa, but that was so cute—“

Lexa grumbled. “I’m not cute.”

“Yes, you are, and denying it only makes you cuter.” Clarke insisted. “You should go to bed before you fall asleep and drown.”

“You’ll save me, I’m sure.”

“What if we both drown?”

Lexa looked at Clarke and shrugged. “Then we’ll be united in death.”

“Wow, too dark.” Clarke chuckled. “How about you get up and go to bed, and I’ll be there in a second?”

Lexa frowned. “No.”

“Why not?”

“I want to lay on top of you tonight.” Lexa said simply. “And it’s easier to lay on top of someone if they’re the one first in bed.”

Clarke eyed her suspiciously. “You just want to watch me naked, don’t you?”

Lexa shrugged. “Maybe.”

Clarke threw her a playful smile and got out of the bath. “Fair enough.” She dried herself off with the towel, taking her sweet time before finally pulling on the loose long-sleeved shirt and white underwear. Deciding against wearing the pants, she stood to face Lexa, who was leaning against the rim of the tub with her arms hanging loosely over the edge.

“Alright. Up.” Clarke demanded. Lexa groaned but stood up anyway, but suddenly all strength left her body and she felt herself falling. Clarke caught her, and helped her out of the tub despite her own impending weakness. She sat Lexa onto the chair and gave her the towel.

“Dry yourself off.”

Lexa grumbled and did as told. “I don’t like being weak,” she muttered, “My legs should work when I tell them to.”

“Your legs are refusing to work because you were an idiot and tried to fight a mountain of a man with no armor and while still half-asleep.” Clarke reminded her.

“I was trying to save you.”

“And I’m grateful, but next time take the gun.”

“I don’t use guns.”

“Maybe you should learn,” Clarke retorted. “For my sake. I want your spirit to stay in this body, thank you very much.”

Lexa rolled her eyes and stood up, bracing herself against the back of the chair. She took the sweatpants that Clarke had discarded and pulled them on, ignoring Clarke’s remark about going commando.

“My undergarments are outside drying. Nothing I can do about that.” Lexa shrugged.

Clarke laughed as she went over to the bed and laid there on her back. Her wound no longer bothered her so much, and she felt incredibly happy when Lexa’s body pressed onto hers and Lexa’s face found it’s way into the crook of her neck. Her hands rested on Lexa’s back, their skin hot against one another. Where Clarke had clothes, Lexa had bare skin and vice versa; Lexa's torso was bare and pressed up against Clarke, whilst Clarke's bare legs were wrapped around Lexa's sweatpants-clad legs. It was a comfortable juxtaposition, and they fit in with one another to perfection. Once again, they slipped back to sleep, infinitely comfortable and completely clean from the weeks of dirt that had caked their bodies and souls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos to you if you caught the blatant Carol reference


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright so i may or may not have created a story arc which might make this fic really long  
> or maybe i'll just make a sequel  
> we'll see  
> enjoy

Abby waited anxiously for Kane’s return. After the Azgeda warrior had been captured, Lexa had requested she send someone to Polis to bring back some of her warriors to make sure their biological warfare got to his destination without any trouble. Kane had left with three days’ worth of oxygen, and his three days were almost up. 

She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw the car running up the hill towards the gates. The car skirted past the line of fires, which were kept burning in a ring outside the camp to keep the airborne centipede eggs from entering the camp’s airspace. Everyone in the camp also wore something to cover their mouths, just as a precaution. So far, there had only been three cases of the fever. Only one of them had survived, and was now kept under strict quarantine as he recovered. 

“Kane!” She called out, waving a hello to the man and the two Grounders who came with him. “I was thinking you’d died on the way.” 

“You’ll have to try harder than that to kill me. Although I am dying to get out of this suit.” Kane said, nodding at the two Grounders. “This is the Chancellor. She will take you to your Commander.” With that, he walked past Abby and inside the Ark. 

Abby sighed as she put the helmet back on. “Let’s go.”  

The grounder warriors followed her quietly as she walked over to the jeep, and soon enough they were driving along towards the drop ship. Abby did not speak to them, as they seemed like the quiet sort. She just hurried the car along, wondering how Clarke was and hoping she'd get to her as soon as possible.

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke stood in the morning sun, basking in the lingering moments of warmth the weather had barely bothered to provide them. The world was quickly growing colder, and she hadn't actually seen the sun for days. So when she'd woken up to blaring sunlight from the windows, she'd left Lexa asleep in their bed and padded outside with a blanket wrapped around herself. 

Octavia, who was sitting nearby, had remained silent for the first few minutes. But her patience grew short fast. 

"Clarke." 

"Yeah?" 

"Sit down." 

Clarke gaped at her for a second before walking over and taking a seat next to Octavia. "What's up?” 

“You’re the Commander’s, I know you are.” Octavia smirked. “Or am I wrong?” 

Clarke stared at her still, not sure what to say. “Uh…” 

“Cut the crap, Clarke, I’ve seen you sleeping on her like you’d have been doing it all your life. You look like a baby bear, all cradled in her arms. Grounders don’t cuddle like that just for kicks.” Octavia chuckled before adding, “I should know.” 

“Fine, so what if I’m hers and she’s mine?” Clarke shrugged. 

“Knew it.” Octavia said triumphantly. “I’m no longer the only one who loves a Grounder.” 

“Shut up.” 

“It’s cute.” 

“I don’t understand her at times.” 

“They have their own rules.” Octavia mused. “You’ll get used to it.” 

Clarke shrugged. “I guess I’ll have to. It’s not like I can back away now, right?” 

“Do you want to?” 

“No.” _Never, in a million years._  

“She seems nice.” Octavia commented. “Although I’m not so sure how her stubbornness will pair with your own.” 

“Shut up.” 

Octavia laughed as Clarke swatted her gently. “You should go back inside. Your Mom will murder me if she finds out I let you sit outside in nothing but pajamas in this cold." 

Clarke rolled her eyes. "I'm not a baby." 

"I know. But if you so much as catch a cold, I'm the one who's going to suffer for it." 

"Fine, if you really don't want my company--" 

"Oh don't be a baby, just go back inside into your girlfriends' arms already." 

"Is Mom coming soon?" 

"She said she'd be here in about twenty minutes. That was about ten minutes ago." 

Clarke sighed and walked back into the ship, only to find Lexa standing outside the door in nothing but a t-shirt – Clarke's, not her own – and underwear. She looked wary, as though she'd been caught eavesdropping, and Clarke couldn't help but chuckle. 

"You're adorable." 

Lexa's brows furrowed. "What do you mean?" 

"Were you spying on me?" 

"No." 

"Then why were you standing outside the door? And why do you look so guilty?" 

Lexa shrugged. "I woke up and you were gone. I just wanted to see where you'd gone." 

Clarke smiled and slid her hands around Lexa's waist, pulling her closer in for a kiss. 

“You might want to put some pants. My mom’s coming soon. ” 

Lexa looked around for any clothes, only to realize that her clothes hung outside drying. “I don’t have any spares.” 

Clarke gestured vaguely towards the corner of the room. “Take some of mine. It’s not like you haven’t been wearing my shirt for two days in a row or anything.” 

Lexa was pleased to hear that; she loved wearing Clarke’s clothes, because somehow they all smelled like her. Clarke smelled of lemongrass and pines, though how she managed to keep that scent even in freshly washed clothes was an endless mystery to Lexa. Nevertheless, being surrounded by Clarke’s scent was intoxicating for her, and she wished for nothing more than to never lose that feeling again. 

Abby arrived soon enough to find Lexa lounging in bed and Clarke sketching something, her feet propped up on the table. She looked curiously at how domestic the scene appeared; she had never seen the Commander as relaxed as she looked now, and seeing Lexa in sweatpants and a t-shirt was an odd sight on it's own. She looked almost like a normal girl, were it not for the tattoos on her arms and the powerful aura she seemed to possess no matter what she did or said. 

“Your men are here.” Abby told her. “I told them to wait outside.” 

Lexa’s eyes opened now, and Clarke glanced up to see the stoic Heda was back. Behind the calmness of those green eyes flickered Lexa’s true nature, and Clarke was glad to see she could recognize it; even so, it was always strange to see how her demeanor changed the instant they weren’t alone. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from Lexa as the girl emerged from the bed. The sight of Lexa in sweatpants and a tank top was oddly adorable to Clarke, and she failed to hide her wide grin from her mother. Abby had been busy setting up Clarke’s IV, but glanced up just in time to catch her daughter’s smile, and couldn’t help but smile herself. 

“She seems nice.” She commented, drawing Clarke back into reality. “And she seems to have recovered nicely from her concussion, too.” 

“It’s been three days. I couldn’t keep her in bed any longer even if I tried to.” Clarke told her. “She’s incredibly stubborn.” 

“I know someone else in this room who’s like that.” Her mother said. “You seem to be recovering nicely. Still a little fever, but I think we can wean you off the antibiotics soon enough.” 

Clarke sighed in relief. She hated being attached to a tube. It made moving about just the slightest bit harder, not to mention Lexa was obviously overly cautious of it when they were trying to cuddle. Clarke was more than ready to rip the needle out of her arm and not be sick any longer. 

Lexa emerged into the ship with her two warriors, and with a slight nod of recognition she settled around the table with them. Clarke stood as well, and allowed her mother help her to the table, where they sat down across the Heda and her two warriors. 

“Care to explain your plan to my men?” Lexa asked, her voice giving only a hint of softness when she spoke to Clarke. Before her two warriors, she was the Heda again; cool and calculating, a hardened mask covering the gentle soul that Clarke knew resided underneath. Despite the fact that she was wearing sweatpants and a long-sleeved shirt, which were essentially just a step above pajamas, she looked like a lethal warrior whose entire existence demanded respect and reverence. 

Clarke shifted slightly and cleared her throat. “He’s sick with the fever. He doesn’t know it yet, but he will soon enough. We will make it look to him as though he's escaped and let him go.” 

Lexa nodded. “Then what?” 

“He escapes, and your warriors tail him and make sure he returns to their war camp to infect them. If he doesn’t, they can capture him and take him there.” 

The warriors were listening intently, their eyes piercing through Clarke’s soul as they tried to figure out why this tiny Skaikru girl had so much value in the eyes of their Commander. She was tiny, young, inexperienced – and yet, the Commander treated her with the same respect as she did her Council of Elders, if not even more. They did, of course, know that the Skaikru girl was also the Wanheda. The Wanheda they feared, if only a little; but seeing her now, looking weak from the illness, they wondered how such a youngling could have destroyed the Mountain Men where they had failed. 

Her plan, however, did seem impeccable. And good war plans they could respect. 

Lexa turned to speak to her warriors, still in the enemy’s tongue so as to not exclude Clarke or Abby. “Once you reach the camp, I want you to kill as many as you can. Not you, Oscar, you have a wife and child. You may choose to participate if you so wish, but I do not command it. But Yorge, you have on more than one occasion offered up your life for my service. Will you do so now?” 

The warrior named Yorge bowed. “Yes, Heda.” 

“As I said, I want you to kill as many as you can. Men or animals, I do not care. Make carnage. Make sure the bugs have a breeding ground they can _feast_ on. Once the outbreak begins, the fever will make the breeding grounds itself.” 

“Do we begin now?” Oscar asked. There was a level of reverence in his voice which Clarke was surprised to hear, having momentarily forgotten the power Lexa held. But she had only forgotten for a moment, because just by looking at the brunette you could feel the power seeping from every piece of her being. Just the way she stood radiated power, the way her shoulders were level and steady and how she held her chin up high so to be able to look down upon those below her. 

“I will wean him off of the sedatives.” Abby said. “It will take some hours.” 

“Also…” Lexa began. Her eyes flickered to Clarke, and she recognized an apology in the light green; what it was for, she wasn’t so sure until Lexa continued. “He is a prisoner. If he escapes unscathed, he will be suspicious. Yorge, Oscar…you know what to do.” 

Yorge nodded as he took out his knife, the blade glinting in the hazy sunlight that passed through the open windows. “Yes, Heda. Once he wakes, we will begin.” 

“Leave us for now.”  

The two warriors left the ship, leaving Lexa alone with Clarke and Abby. The moment they had left, Lexa stood up and walked over to sit beside Clarke, her eyes telling her the apology before it left her lips. 

“I’m sorry, Clarke.” She said softly, not caring about the surprised look that passed over Abby’s face. “He has to suffer some pain. He would be suspicious otherwise.” 

Clarke nodded. Though she did not like it, she understood why this had to be done. She was also grateful that Lexa took concern in her dislike of her harsher ways. “I understand.” 

“But you do not like it.” 

“No, I do not.” Clarke admitted. “But I understand. It has to be done.” 

Abby watched their exchange with curiosity in her mind; she could see how much they cared for one another, and it made her happier than she could ever believe. If anyone deserved happiness, it was Clarke. She had suffered plenty already. And, looking at the Commander, Abby recognized the same burdened girl that her own daughter had become, and knew that together they could heal one another. Together, they were stronger. 

Together, they could lead the Grounders and Skaikru into a time of peace. 

Clarke went outside to hang the rest of the laundry while Abby examined Lexa. The girl seemed fine enough. Her dizziness and confusion had long passed, and Abby deemed her healthy per Lexa’s insistence. 

“Clarke won’t let me do anything,” the girl explained, “Because she’s afraid I’ll faint.” 

“Maybe just take it easy for a few more days.” 

Lexa sighed and said nothing. Abby offered her a reassuring smile as she stood up to go out again.  

“How long do you think Clarke will be contagious?” She asked. 

“Considering she infected the warrior, I’d wait another week at least.”  

“Has Clarke told you what she means to do when she’s healthy again?” 

Lexa stared at Abby, knowing the question meant something else entirely. “I haven’t asked. She hasn’t mentioned anything.” 

“I guess we’ll have to see, right?” Abby said as she walked out of the ship, leaving Lexa alone with her thoughts. 

She had invited Clarke to come with her to Polis before the Mountain. They hadn’t talked much about the future, but Lexa had certainly thought about it. During the month following the Mountain, she had spent days clearing out a room in her apartments in the capital for Clarke. She hadn’t thought much of it, other than that she had to be doing something. She had thought the room would never be put to use, that it was a pointless project; but she hadn’t been able to stop, not once she had started.  

She’d chosen a room adjacent to hers, with a large balcony and tall ceilings, plenty of natural light filling it at all hours of the day. At night, it was the best place to look at the stars. She’d arranged for it to be furnished as well, with a finely carved bed and a desk and some comfortable chairs, which she had taken the liberty of arranging as she wished. Indra hadn’t understood why she had done it all. In truth, neither had Lexa; she had built the room with her own hands, placing items she thought Clarke would enjoy all over the space until finally she had thought she was satisfied. But then, the next day, she would start all over again, working on it feverishly without end whenever she had the time. 

At night, she had slept in Clarke’s bed instead of her own. She had imagined Clarke there, thought what it would like to have her lie in bed next to her, in her arms with her beautifully adorable face nuzzled in her neck and her arms wrapped around Lexa's waist. Those thoughts had often brought painful tears to her eyes, and many a time she had allowed them to fall onto the pillow she had deemed as Clarke’s. It was made of fine white silk, stuffed with the underbelly feathers of the finest geese, the softest of all feathers available. It was embroidered, too, with flowers and birds along it’s edges running in intricate patterns that had taken some talented seamstress months to make. Amidst the leather and furs of the rest of her apartments, it looked out of place. Clarke’s room she had filled with more delicate items, made of silk and white furs and the finest handicrafts, whichever she thought was pretty or comfortable. The walls she had filled with paintings of beautiful nature sceneries and cities long lost, recalling her scouts telling her about Clarke’s liking of the arts. Little by little, everything which she deemed beautiful had ended up in Clarke’s room.  

There was a file full of intel and pictures of Clarke which Lexa had arranged to be brought from the mountain. When she had been negotiating with the Mountain Men, she had noticed they had entire files on the Skaikru people they held prisoner, and after she had heard of their massacre, she had sent her stealthiest warrior to recover all of the files. 

She hadn’t cared for any of the other files, though. Only Clarke’s. It had been filled with pictures of Clarke, taken without her knowledge of course – but still, they were pictures of Clarke, doing things like scouting in the woods or tending to the wounded and Lexa simply could not appreciate them enough. Those pictures Lexa had put into a box and hidden underneath her bed, to be brought out when her pain and regret grew to it’s greatest heights. 

“Lexa?” 

Lexa turned around to face Clarke, who had crept back into the ship without her even noticing. 

“What were you thinking about?”  

Lexa swallowed and shrugged. “Nothing.” 

Clarke raised her eyebrows and set the bucket of water onto the table, taking her hand and pulling Lexa close to herself. “Didn’t seem like nothing.” 

“I was thinking about Polis.” 

Lexa saw Clarke’s face fall, and raised a hand to cup her face gently. “Why are you upset?”  

Clarke shrugged. “I figured you’d leave at some point. Didn’t think it’d be this soon.” 

“What do you mean? I’m not going anywhere.” Lexa asked in confusion. “Not yet, anyway.” 

The blonde sighed and Lexa saw her words had failed to console her. “Clarke…why are you upset?” 

“I…I just don’t like the thought of you leaving.” 

“I can’t stay here forever, you know that.” Lexa murmured. 

“But I’d miss you.”  

“What do you mean?” Lexa repeated the question, her confusion even more pressing. "Why would you miss me?" 

“I wouldn’t be with you.” 

“Why not?” 

“What?” 

“Wouldn’t you like to come with me?” 

Lexa eyed Clarke carefully as the sorrow in the blonde’s eyes changed over to happiness, and smiled gently. “You thought I wouldn’t want you to come with me,” she finally realized. Clarke chewed her lip and said nothing. Lexa tightened her arms around her and pushed her against the table, leaning in close enough to feel her breath on her lips. 

“Did you really think I’d leave you behind?” She murmured as she pressed a gentle kiss just to the side of Clarke’s lips.  

“I don’t know.” Clarke muttered. “I…” Lexa kissed her cheek again, trailing a line of kisses along her jaw until their lips met. 

“I left you once. I have no intention of doing it again.” Lexa said determinedly. “Besides, you have my heart. It would be foolish to leave my heart behind.” 

“So you want me to come to live with you in Polis?” Clarke asked as though to clarify. 

“Yes,” Lexa breathed. “Unless you wish to stay here. Or return to your camp. Whatever you wish, so long as you allow me to visit you.” 

Clarke shook her head. “I can’t live with them. I spent seventeen years of my life stuck on the Ark. I don’t want to be stuck ever again. Arkadia’s too small for me.” 

Lexa nodded and kissed her fully on the lips, and felt Clarke’s pulse quicken beneath the fingers she had resting against her neck. “Good. Otherwise I would have had to find some new use for the room I set up for you.” 

Clarke pushed her away, surprise evident in her eyes. “A room?” 

“Yes, for you.” 

“When did you do that?” 

Lexa faltered slightly. “Right after the Mountain.” 

“But…” Clarke began, her brows furrowing as she tried to gather her thoughts. “You didn’t even know if I was alive. And then…I hated you. You didn’t even know where I was. You didn't even know if I'd ever want to see you again. Why did you set up a room for me?” 

The brunette’s eyes shifted away, and Clarke recognized the shyness that had entered Lexa’s countenance. “Lexa…” 

“I had to do something.” She muttered. “I was sitting in my apartments, with too much time to think, and I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t take the guilt, Clarke. I kept thinking about how I’d let you down, how I’d sacrificed you for the good of my people, and it hurt…it hurt too much. So I cleared out a room next to mine and decided that’d be yours. I didn’t think you’d ever actually live in it. I didn’t think you’d ever want to. Not after what I did. I just had to do something, something for you, so I made you a room in case you ever were in need of one. I…I don’t know why. Perhaps I was punishing myself, forcing myself to live with the thought of you and what I’d done to you. I don’t know.” 

Clarke stared at her for a while, trying to process what she’d just said. She had wondered about what Lexa had done after the Mountain many a time. She had, in the first few days, imagined the Commander celebrating their success, with no care in the world; but as weeks passed, she had forced herself to think Lexa had returned to her cold, stoic self, with leadership decisions and projects to carry out. She had never thought about what the Commander did when she had spare time. She hadn't thought the Commander had regretted her decision, or felt pain for betraying her – not until a few days ago, but this was the first time Lexa was fully admitting to having such feelings. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, “I’m sorry you were in pain.” 

“It was my own fault.” Lexa sighed. “I deserved every bit of it, just like I deserve to be hated by you. But you don’t hate me. It’s like you’re deliberately ignoring the usual rules of betrayal and hurt.” 

“I don’t like rules.” Clarke smirked. “And besides, you saved my life. And then you saved it again, and nearly died in the process. You left me once, but then when you found me you didn’t leave again. And I understood why you did what you did. You didn’t have any other choice. If you’d declined, your people would have died. You chose well, Lexa, even though it hurt me. It was the only choice you could have done.” 

“I hurt you nevertheless.” 

“And it hurt you, too.” Clarke whispered. “And the past is the past. What matters is that you’re here now, that you’re mine—“ 

“I was always yours, Clarke.” Lexa interjected. “Before the Mountain and after.” 

Clarke smiled. “I trust you, Lexa. You’ve gained that back.” 

Lexa smiled back, her eyes brimming with tears which Clarke hadn’t known to expect. “Thank you, Clarke.” 

“Oh no, don’t say thank you, that’s not…” Clarke stammered, suddenly flustered. “That’s just weird.” 

The brunette chuckled and kissed her then, a few salty tears slipping down her cheeks. “I hope you’ll like your room.” She murmured. “I tried very hard to make it perfect.” 

Clarke made a face, and Lexa’s eyes widened in question. “What?” 

“I’m not sure I’ll like having my own room.” Clarke said simply. 

“Why not?” 

“I want us to have a room. Together. The same bed.” 

Lexa’s concern was passed over for a warmth that enveloped her heart, and she grinned wildly. “Your room is adjacent to mine. I can easily have the door removed so that it becomes one big room. Would you like that?” 

Clarke nodded. “So long as I get to lay down at night next to you, I’ll be happy.” 

“My bed is large enough for the both of us.” Lexa told her. “Our bed,” she quickly corrected herself, and was rewarded by a heartwarming smile from the blonde in her arms. 

“Tell me about Polis.” 

“What do you want to know?” 

“Everything.” 

“That is quite a general request.” 

“Tell me about your home.” 

“Would you like to move somewhere a little bit more comfortable?” Lexa asked Clarke. “You seem tired.” 

Clarke shrugged. “This is comfortable.” 

Lexa rolled her eyes. Clarke was as stubborn as she was, that much was clear.  

"You're lying." She whispered as she flashed Clarke a wild grin and slipped her arms around Clarke’s thighs, promptly picking her up and setting her against her hip. Clarke squealed and gripped her shoulders tightly, her legs wrapping around Lexa's waist despite her having complete trust that Lexa wouldn’t drop her. It had been four days since her concussion and she was perfectly fine. Not to mention she was stronger than Clarke had even anticipated. Carefully as one could, Lexa carried her over to the bed, where she sat the two of them against the wall so that she leaned against it with Clarke straddling her lap. Her hands laid on Clarke’s waist, settled there as though they belonged. 

“Polis,” She began, “is big. Bigger than you’ve ever seen. It goes on for miles and miles, with houses both tall and small. I live in the Tower. It’s in the middle, and it’s hundreds of feet tall. It’s so high it touches the clouds, and on rainy days you can’t see the ground from the highest rooms. My home…it’s at the top. It’s quite large, I have several bedrooms and dining rooms and studies and a library, but I don’t really use any of them except for my own and the war room. That’s where my throne is.” 

“The same one that I saw you in?” 

Lexa nodded. “Where I go, my throne goes.” 

“Isn’t that a little inconvenient?” 

“Not all of my travels are urgent, Clarke. Mostly they consist of going from village to village to hear the people’s disputes and to bring them some community spirit. Awfully dull trips, but ones that must be done.” Lexa explained. “As I was saying…the war room has my throne and some victory trophies, but nothing much else. Some maps. From the war room, you enter to my apartments. Only I am allowed inside, and whomever I give permission to. A few handmaidens and one guard. I enjoy my solitude.” 

“What’s your room like?” 

“Big. Empty.” Lexa stated. “There’s a bed, and some arm chairs, but I only really care for the bed. Some statues and paintings on the walls. And there’s a balcony, which is connected to yours. From the balcony, you can see the whole city and far beyond that. When the nights are clear, I like to go outside and look at the stars.” 

Clarke hummed at that, and Lexa looked at her in question. “What?” 

“Have you always done that? Looked at the stars?” Clarke asked, her voice as quiet as it was soft. 

Lexa nodded. “It calms me.” 

“Isn’t it funny to think that when you were looking up at the stars, you were most likely seeing the Ark, too?” 

Lexa stared at Clarke in astonishment. The thought had never even occurred to her. “Perhaps that is why it calmed me.” 

“How come?” 

“Perhaps my heart knew it’s future owner was up there among the stars.” 

“I don’t own your heart,” Clarke scoffed. “Owning is…it’s a weird concept to relate to love.” 

“You possess my heart, Clarke. You are my heart. That is how I love.” 

“Do you not love anyone else?” Clarke asked her quietly. “Not romantically. I mean platonically.” 

Lexa shrugged. “I haven’t had time to make friends.” 

“That’s sad.”  

“It’s my life.” 

“You have one friend, though.” 

“Who?” 

“Me.” 

“Just a friend?” Lexa asked, her voice now taunting. “Do friends usually do this?” Her hand reached up to cup Clarke’s breast, and Clarke’s eyes were fixed on her as Lexa leaned in to press a kiss onto her neck. “Do they, Clarke of the Sky People? Is this what friends do in the Sky?” 

Clarke’s breath hitched as Lexa slipped her hand underneath the thin fabric of her shirt and cupped her breast again, her fingers rolling over her already hardened nipple. She couldn’t respond, and Lexa knew this; she was having some fun with Clarke, and enjoying every single bit of Clarke’s flustered whimpers and moans. 

“Should I be concerned about what you do with your friends?” Her voice was now low, almost a growl, as her lips enclosed around Clarke’s earlobe and her teeth bit into the soft skin. “Answer me, Clarke.” To emphasize her point, she grasped her hand around Clarke’s breast, almost too rough but not quite - just enough to make Clarke whimper. 

“No, Lexa…I’m yours,” Clarke gasped. “You don’t need to- oh – worry.” 

“Good.” Lexa murmured. “I’m not very fond of sharing.” 

Clarke swallowed hard and fought to regain her senses. She was relatively fine, and Lexa had recovered from her concussion almost completely. Now was as good a time as any to _finally_ return the favor. 

Lexa jumped slightly when she felt Clarke’s hands grip her neck demandingly, and as she lifted her head up she felt the blonde’s lips crash onto hers. The demand, the passion which poured into her through Clarke surprised her, and for a moment she was stunned. But then Clarke’s hips moved against hers, and she let out a low moan, and then Clarke pulled way, leaving her lips tingling from the pressure. 

“Lay down.” Clarke ordered. Lexa shuddered at the sound of her voice; it was low, husky, and there wasn’t a hint of hesitation. Clarke was in control now, and Lexa had no reason to object. Without even thinking, she laid down onto the mattress, eager in anticipation.  

“Clarke—“ She began, but Clarke’s lips claimed hers and her words were swallowed by the blonde’s mouth. Lexa pushed Clarke away, as gently as she could, and locked eyes with her. “Are you sure you're okay?”  

"If you're asking whether I'm going to pass out afterwards, then yes, Lexa, I'm okay." Clarke murmured as she slid her hand up along Lexa's ribs to cup her breast. "Unless you don't want it--" 

"Clarke, _please_." 

Clarke chuckled when she heard Lexa's plea, and crawled on top of her, her hand sliding up to pull Lexa’s shirt over her head and toss it to the side. Lexa’s breath hitched in her throat as Clarke’s lips found her breast, her lips hot against her cool skin. Clarke’s fingers dug into her waist as she brought her head up to kiss Lexa’s mouth again, pushing her tongue into her mouth with absolutely no resistance from the brunette. Lexa was over the moon; she had spent months agonizing over the thought of this, over the thought of being taken by Clarke – she had been on edge for days now, and was so sensitive and so aroused it had almost driven her mad. 

A gasp escaped Lexa’s lips when Clarke’s hand suddenly cupped her sex. Even over the fabric of her pants, the sensation was overwhelming, and as Clarke’s hand began slowly rubbing at her core she couldn’t help the whimpers that emerged from her mouth. The sounds of her pleasure poured into Clarke’s mouth, as their lips never parted while Clarke continued pressing at Lexa’s core in ways which made her see stars. 

Clarke smirked as she slipped her hand into Lexa’s pants. She had seen the longing gazes, and the shudders that had run down Lexa’s spine when their kisses had lasted just a little bit too long. She knew Lexa had been on edge for a long time, and the fact that she was responding to even the slightest touches told Clarke that she was extremely sensitive.  

She was going to have a field day with this. 

Lexa’s eyes widened when she felt Clarke’s fingers slide under the thin fabric of her underpants and along to her sex. 

“Cla-“ She began, but an expertly timed swirl of a thumb over her clit made Lexa’s words die in her throat as she gripped at Clarke’s shoulders, suddenly realizing just how sensitive she was. “Oh, god, Clarke.” She gasped as Clarke continued rubbing at her most sensitive spot, her lips trailing demanding, hard kisses along her neck and chest. 

“Let me satisfy you, Lexa,” Clarke whispered, repeating the exact same words that Lexa had spoken to her. 

Lexa groaned as the heat between her thighs grew to unprecedented heights. Her hands found their way to grip Clarke’s hair, her fingers tightening around those beautiful golden locks as she gave in to the pleasure. For what felt like an eternity, she just laid there, unable to form any coherent thoughts or words, whimpers and moans spilling from her lips as Clarke's fingers continued tormenting her. 

She was so close now, and she longed for Clarke’s fingers to be inside her to give her pleasure even more edge. As though she'd read her mind, Clarke leaned in and captured Lexa's lips with her own as she slid her fingers away from her clit and down to her opening and inside of her. Lexa gasped into her mouth, and Clarke couldn't help the low hum that she let slip as she found the rhythm which seemed to make Lexa lose her mind. Her thumb kept running along her clit as her fingers fucked Lexa, and as Clarke’s nimble fingers continued pressing at Lexa's wet folds and her sex, all else fell away until all that mattered was the release she was being built up towards. Clarke grinned when she saw Lexa's mouth part in a silent plea, and bent down to catch a nipple in between her lips, sucking hard as her tongue danced circles around the sensitive skin. 

“Fuck, Clarke.” Lexa cursed, and in that moment, the great Commander of the 12 clans came undone. Clarke couldn’t tear her eyes off of the brunette as her hips bucked and her hands grasped at her hair, her eyes closed and her teeth biting into her lip as she rode out her climax. She then slid her hands out of Lexa as carefully as she could, noticing the slight whimper of disappointment the brunette let out when she was left empty. 

“Look at me, Lexa.” Clarke purred, both hands cupping Lexa's face as gently as she could. Lexa opened her eyes slowly, and what Clarke saw in them made her heart pound so loudly in her chest she was sure she was about to explode. Lexa looked happy. She looked so happy that Clarke wanted to do it all over again, every day, every hour, just to make sure Lexa remained in this state of perpetual beauty and joy forever. 

“You’re beautiful.” Clarke husked as she rested her forehead against Lexa’s. Lexa hummed and smiled widely, letting her eyes flutter shut again. She was so relaxed she wasn’t sure she was awake any longer; but she was determined not to sleep, because she still remembered the last time and the fact that she had fainted. 

“How is your head?” Clarke asked carefully.  

“In the heavens.” Lexa breathed.  

The blonde smiled smugly and settled herself onto the bed next to Lexa. She didn’t quite know what to say; she was still overwhelmed by what they had just done, by what she had just seen. She was determined to never forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a long-ass chapter but i couldn't really cut it short and the sex scene just kinda forced itself in  
> i couldn't resist making it dirty sorry not sorry  
> don't forget to leave kudos and comments :)


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's been a while i may or may not have DIED because of ep4  
> enjoy the cuteness

Clarke stood outside and watched the scenery before her. The last of the leaves had fallen not days before, and the forest before her looked naked and bare. Before her, the remaining green of the grass was quickly disappearing, turning into a murky brown which was covered by layers and layers of mud. The trunks of the trees glistened a dark brown from the rain that had fallen the night before. Lexa said it was the first sign of the coming storm season. Clarke had yet to see a real thunderstorm on the Ground. On the Ark, the storms of the winter season had been watched with awe, for they were the only storms big enough to visible to them from space. Lexa had told her that fire struck the ground during these storms – this was lightning, she said, and it was dangerously beautiful. The heavens boomed with explosions, and in those moments, one felt small. That was what Lexa had said.

Clarke couldn’t wait to see a storm for herself. 

The wind had died away, but the air had been left freezing cold in it’s wake; it was no longer possible to go outside without a jacket, and even that seemed too little to ward off the biting cold. Lexa had laughed at Clarke’s thin bomber jacket, claiming it was far too thin to ward off the true cold of the winter. She had then promised to provide Clarke and the Arkers with some seamstresses who would teach them to make sturdy, warm clothes. 

“Soon your people will look like my people.” Lexa had joked. Clarke had laughed at that, knowing it would be a cold day in hell before the Arkers dressed in Grounder clothes. 

“It will be a cold winter. Either you dress like we do or you die.” Lexa had quipped. “I for one will not have you being stubborn. I will force you to wear warm clothes if I must, and if you still refuse, I will have no other choice than to lock you inside until spring comes.” 

Clarke smiled at the memory. Lexa was becoming kinder to her with each passing day; as her confidence in Clarke’s feelings for her grew, Lexa was more and more eager to express her true self with her. Clarke loved it. The Heda may have been cold and intimidating, but Lexa was anything but that. She was tender, she was kind, and she even had a sense of humor. So what if her sense of humor was pretty awful.

It was still painstakingly adorable. 

“Clarke?” 

Clarke sighed happily as she felt Lexa’s hands slip around her waist and pull her closer. A bit ways further she saw Bellamy throw her a knowing smirk before turning his head back to the fire. He was seated on the ground in front of the ship, tending to the fire that had been burning for two days straight. It was so wet that if he let it die now, there was no saying they would be able to light a fire again till spring.  

“You should come inside.” Lexa murmured into her ear. “It’s cold.” 

“I want to see the sun.” Clarke replied. “It’s warm here.” 

“No it isn’t.”  

“You’re warm.” 

Lexa hummed and pulled Clarke even closer, pulling them both backwards until they stood back leaning against the ship’s wall. “What are you thinking about?” 

Clarke shrugged. “Nothing special.” 

“Really?” Lexa asked. “Doesn’t seem like nothing.” 

“I was thinking about what we’ll do. When I’m better.” 

Lexa smiled when she heard Clarke say ‘we’ instead of ‘I’. “I must return to Polis soon. You’re welcome to join me once you’re healthy, if you so wish.” 

“When is soon?” 

Lexa’s face fell slightly. “I’m expected to arrive the night after tomorrow.” 

“That soon.” Clarke said, unable to hide the disappointment in her voice. 

“I’m sorry but I can’t stay here any longer. There are pressing matters that I have to attend to.” 

“Like what?” 

“The outbreak.” Lexa said simply. “And our war on the Ice Nation.” 

“Is it really an attack if we’re just letting someone go?” 

Lexa smirked. “No, not really. But they _did_ attack us. I have plenty of questions to ask of their ambassador, if he still dares to remain in Polis.” 

“Are you going to kill him?” 

Lexa stared at the clearing solemnly. “Not for now, but once they declare war, he will answer to his Queen’s actions. Perhaps I will send her his head.” 

“I see.” Clarke nodded, despite the fact that she did not like the thought one single bit. She understood Lexa’s want for revenge. 

“I know you dislike the thought of killing, but it is our way. He knows it, as does everyone else. It is how we have always done things here.” 

Clarke nodded again. “I understand. And…it’s not like we didn’t have executions on the Ark, either.” 

Lexa’s eyebrows raised at this. She had heard very little of the Ark, or of what it’d been like to live in the skies. It seemed that none of the Skaikru were very eager to speak of their lives before the Ground, Clarke especially. She was not one to pry, but Lexa couldn’t help the curiosity that bubbled within her mind. One day, she decided, she would ask Clarke about the Sky. 

“War is brewing, Clarke.” She said quietly. “It’s only been two months, and here we are, back at it again. And winter is coming as well. The Azgeda will have an advantage.” 

“Not if they’re weakened by the fever.” 

“If it works.” 

“Why are they attacking you, anyway?” 

Lexa sighed. “They dislike the idea of a Coalition. The Azgeda are a very…aggressive people. Their culture relies on war more than the rest. They thrive off of it. Queen Nia...her power rests on the shoulders of all the thousands that she has killed. Her people think her weak for not starting a war already; it was only a matter of time, really.” 

“Then why join the Coalition in the first place?” 

“I have the Queen’s son as my prisoner. Her _only_ son.” 

Clarke stared at Lexa for a while. “Why?” 

“He’s a bargaining chip.” Lexa shrugged. “Don’t worry, he’s kept in good condition. And he is no child, if you’re concerned about that. He's five years my elder.” 

Clarke had imagined a toddler in her mind, but that image was shattered and replaced by a hazy image of a man with similar marks on his face as the warrior who resided upstairs. 

“Why would she risk his life now?” 

“I heard rumors that she’d borne another son.” Lexa said simply. “Perhaps she has no need for him any longer.” 

Clarke shuddered. “She sounds even harsher than your people.” 

“The Ice Nation is ruthless, Clarke. They know no notions of mercy or of humanity. Innocence is nothing to them.” Lexa shuddered slightly at the thought of Clarke in the hands of the Azgeda; for a fleeting moment, she recalled the moment she had opened the box that had held Costia's head, only this time, the box withheld Clarke’s head instead of Costia’s. 

“Lexa?” 

Lexa hadn’t realized she’d fallen so silent, but Clarke’s eyes were looking into hers full of concern. 

“What is it?” 

“I worry for you, Clarke,” Lexa admitted quietly. “For you and your people.” 

“We have guns. We can protect ourselves.” 

Lexa chewed her lip and thought for a moment. “You know, there is a proposition that I’d like for you to discuss with your mother. And Kane.” 

“What is it?” 

“Join the Coalition.” 

Clarke’s mouth fell open in surprise. “Join the—really?” 

“Yes.” 

“Will the other Clans accept?” 

“I will make them accept. Now, with the Ice Nation about to be denounced, there is an empty spot in the 12. The Skaikru are a natural replacement.” 

“Replacement.” 

“A better replacement,” Lexa tried, “An improvement.” 

“And we would answer to you?” 

“In theory, yes.” 

“I don’t think my mother will like that.” 

“You can make her see sense. And I’m sure Kane can, too. He will understand the need for your joining. If you join, your people will be my people and under my protection.” 

“That sounds...reasonable.” 

“And it would mean that you could live with me in Polis without as many questions asked.” 

Clarke smiled. “I’ll talk to my mother.” 

“Good.” 

For a while, they fell silent as they watched white clouds pass over the clear blue sky. 

“Why do you think the two warriors were here?” 

“Scouting.” Lexa said. “It’s obvious. They saw the people stop traveling because of the quarantine and thought they would use that to their advantage. Their ambassador was away when I issued the quarantine. It is unlikely he has managed to get any message of it across, as I only allowed my own trusted men to leave the Capital which is now on strict lockdown. There is no saying how many Azgeda scouts are across the lands here, but I am sure most of them have caught the fever.” 

“That’s good, right?” 

Lexa’s green eyes looked dark. “If they return home. If not, they may make the outbreak spread even further.” 

“But your people know how to contain it.” 

“Yes, they do. Even so, it is a threat. When human hosts are unavailable, the centipedes have been known to infect animals too. We cannot afford losing any more game, not when winter is coming and we should be filling our storages for the coming cold.” 

“You have a lot of work.” 

“As do you, Clarke. You’re the Skai Heda.” 

Clarke sighed. “I guess.” 

“You are, Clarke. You can't deny the fact that you were born to lead.” 

“Tell my mother that.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“My mother is Chancellor, Lexa. She would rather surrender to the Ice Nation than admit that I’m fit to lead anyone. She thinks I’m a child.” Clarke glanced back and saw annoyance in Lexa’s face. “It’s what mothers do, Lexa. Your mother would have been the same, I’m sure.” 

Lexa shrugged. “She wouldn’t have. My mother raised me to be Heda before she even knew I was to be Heda.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Why?” 

“It sounds like your mother wasn’t so…motherly.” 

“She was a good mother. What she taught me has helped me.” Lexa shrugged. 

“She did love you, yes?” 

“I guess.” 

“I’m sure she did.” Clarke decided. “She raised you strong because she loved you.” 

Lexa smiled against Clarke’s shoulder. “Your vision of the world is awfully romantic.” 

“I like to think it’s not as shit as it likes to come across as.” 

“Do you want me to have a talk with your mother?” 

“No, Lexa, no," Clarke laughed, turning in her arms to look her in the eyes. “Promise me you won’t go talk to my mother.” 

“Why not?” 

“Because although she can play nice while I’m around, I’m pretty sure she’d grill you the instant she got you alone. You have her daughter’s heart, don’t forget that. She can be viciously protective.” 

“As can I.” 

“I will not have my mother and my…” Clarke faltered, unsure of what she’d call Lexa. Her girlfriend? Hers? Her love? 

“What do I call you?” She asked Lexa, who was eyeing her in confusion. 

“Yours.” 

“No like…you’re my…?” 

“Your love?” 

“Sounds old-fashioned.” Clarke complained. “You’re my girlfriend.” 

Lexa nodded slowly, accepting whatever term Clarke wanted to place upon her. She didn't care for labels so much; she was satisfied with the knowledge that Clarke was hers and she was Clarke's. “Fair enough.” 

“Anyway, I will _not_ have my mother and my girlfriend killing each other over me.” 

“But she treats you like a child.” 

“I am her child,” Clarke reminded her. “And I’ll get her to come around. It’ll just take some time.” 

“I’ll have to leave tomorrow morning.” Lexa said quietly. “Right after we release the prisoner.” 

Clarke let out a shaky sigh. “I wish I was coming with you.” 

“You’re welcome to join me the instant you’re healthy.” 

“How will I know when I’m no longer contagious?” 

Lexa chewed her lip. “I’ve…I’ve arranged for that.” 

“For what?” 

“The only way to know for sure is to test, Clarke.” 

“Test?” 

“With a person.” 

“What!?” Clarke exclaimed. “No way. No. I’m not going to possibly _kill_ someone just to see if I’m not contagious.” 

“He’s volunteered.” 

“He’ll die!” 

“He’s willing to take the risk.” Lexa said stubbornly. “He will arrive here in five days.” 

“What's his name?” 

“Lionel.” 

“Who is he?” 

“A warrior.” 

“Why is he doing this?” 

Lexa’s expression softened slightly. “The centipede is a curse, but if you survive it you become more skillful than most. It teaches you how to kill efficiently. You will realize this when you go into battle.” 

Clarke couldn’t deny that already now she felt significantly stronger. She had found herself studying people, looking for their weak spots, and finding the places where their veins met their skin with ease. She knew now how to kill efficiently; dozens of kills and hours upon hours spent on slicing their bodies open had taught her that. 

“I know you know this, Clarke.” Lexa whispered. “It is disturbing at first, but you will learn it is a blessing.” 

“But he will most likely die.” Clarke insisted. “I can’t…if he dies, I can’t take the guilt.” 

“He has volunteered, Clarke. He knows the risks, and he is willing to take them. He is not afraid of death. And besides, you’ll most likely not be contagious by the time he comes here. You will not be guilty of anything.” 

“But the way here…he might get sick.” 

“I have asked for a suit to be lent to me from your people.” 

Clarke stared at Lexa for a while before finally letting out a heavy sigh. “I don’t like it.” 

“But you understand why it must be done?” 

Clarke groaned. “Yes, I do, but I hate it.” 

“Good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lexa is a whipped puppy and anyone who says otherwise can fight me


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok wow this chapter took me a while to write  
> i hope you guys enjoy :)

Had they not had a clock with them, they would not have known the next morning had come. It was as dark as night; clouds hung overhead, almost pitch black and full of water just ready to burst down upon the earth. Lexa’s horse was all ready, waiting for her outside. She was ready, too; she was clad in her own clothes, which had been delivered to her when her warriors had arrived. A tight leather bodice and a thick wool shirt kept her warm, as did the brown riding pants and the thick leather cloak. She had gloves on as well, which Clarke had pointed out did not entirely serve their purpose as they failed to cover her fingers. The cloak’s inside was of warm fleece, and the outside was of waxed leather which would repel the rainwater which was sure to fall during her journey.

The prisoner had been let go a few hours earlier. He had been restrained against a tree in the clearing, and a sharp rock had been left near his hands. Sure enough, it had only taken the beaten and battered warrior mere minutes to cut himself loose and dart into the woods with Yorge and Oscar tailing him in the trees.

Lexa was standing before Clarke, her hands cupping the blonde’s face as she littered soft kisses along her cheeks and nose and lips and jaw. With each kiss, she hoped to make her departure that much less painful for Clarke, despite knowing that it would pain her just as much as it did herself.

“I will see you soon,” She murmured against Clarke’s lips. “In Polis.”

Clarke smiled halfheartedly and wrapped her arms around Lexa’s waist. “You better not die on the way.”

“Why would I die?”

“Azgeda?”

“Trust me, Clarke, I will be perfectly fine. You concentrate on healing yourself.”

“Four days.” Clarke sighed.

“Actually, six.”

“Six?”

“One day to see if he gets infected, another for the journey,” Lexa shrugged. “Six days, my love.”

“I can handle six days.”

“And when you arrive, there will be a feast.”

Clarke made a face. “I don’t want a feast.”

“Then what do you want?”

The blonde smirked and pressed a kiss onto Lexa’s jaw. “You.”

The Commander’s breath hitched, and she cursed quietly, knowing her ride to Polis would now be that much more frustrating due to the arousal which had suddenly invaded her body and mind.

“I will be waiting,” She breathed, pushing Clarke away.

“I’ll try not to be late.” Clarke smirked back. Lexa smiled and took her hand, and together they walked outside. They stopped before Lexa’s horse, and Clarke patted his mane gently.

“What’s his name?”

Lexa blinked. “I didn’t tell you?”

“No. Or then I’ve forgotten.”

“Noah.”

“Noah? As in the dude who built the Ark?”

Lexa nodded. “Ironic, is it not?”

“Coincidental to say the least.” Clarke smirked. Lexa kissed her again, this time with much more force and demand. In the back of her mind, Clarke knew Raven was probably gawking at them, but she paid no more notion to that when Lexa’s tongue ran along her bottom lip and she parted her lips without even thinking. Their tongues met, and Clarke’s mouth was overwhelmed with Lexa’s tongue as she was pulled in close, as close as they could possibly get. Lexa’s hands on her waist gripped her tightly, almost with desperation, and for a lingering moment, it was as if she was not on the brink of departure.

But then Lexa pulled away, and Clarke was left breathing heavily as the brunette put her foot into the stirrup and swung herself into the saddle with breathtaking grace.

“Hurry home to me, Clarke.” Lexa said softly. And with that, she heeled the horse’s sides, and she set off into the woods. Clarke was left standing in the clearing, now alone, completely stunned with her head spinning from the kiss and Lexa’s words and _Lexa_.

“You two are disgusting.”

Clarke jumped at the sound of Raven’s voice, and turned around to find the girl standing just a few feet from her with her signature smirk plastered on her face. She rolled her eyes and attempted a scowl, but failed horribly as the smile on her lips refused to recede.

“Shut up.” She muttered.

“Clarke…” Raven began, her tone of voice now serious. “You’re seriously whipped.”

“No I’m not.”

“No, you’re right. Lexa’s the one who’s whipped,” Raven corrected herself. “I can’t believe you managed to bed her.”

“Why can’t you believe it?”

“She’s so _cold_ as the Commander. How you got under her skin I will never understand.”

“Perhaps it was my natural charm.”

“What charm?” Raven scoffed. Clarke shoved her gently, but the girl only laughed. “Please, Clarke, we all know you’re beautiful but you lack no skills in the awkward department.”

Clarke laughed at that. “I’m smooth and you know it.”

The fact that the two of them were able to talk about Clarke’s love life so smoothly without even the hint of Finn lingering over them made Clarke confident that even the worst things could pass. Raven laughed again, and hooked her arm into Clarkes as she promptly led her back to the ship.

“I’m going to have to hear everything.” She insisted.

“Everything? Of what?”

“Your adventures in the woods.”

Clarke flinched. “They weren’t adventures.”

“Well make them sound like such. Entertain me. I’m the one who’s stuck here babysitting you.” Raven quipped. She fell down onto the bed, and tugged at Clarke to come lay down with her. “You need to rest,” she explained as Clarke threw a confused look, “Your mom told me she’ll kill me if I let you get out of bed too much. So don’t worry, I’m not trying to seduce you or anything.”

“Didn’t think you were into the fairer sex anyway, Raven.” Clarke smirked back. When her quip was followed by heavy silence, she turned slightly to see Raven’s cheeks slightly flushed.

“You are?” Clarke asked, now interested. “What could have brought upon this revelation?”

Raven glared at her. “Hush.”

“Do you have a crush, Raven?”

“Maybe.”

“Who is it? Someone I know?”

“It’s just a crush. And she’s…taken.” Raven sighed. “It’s not that big of a deal, really. She just made me realize that there’s more to life than boys.”

“That’s sweet.” Clarke commented. She was almost entirely certain that Raven was talking about Octavia, but decided to keep her mouth shut. Raven would talk of it if she so wished.

“So. Tell me about the great, legendary Princess Clarke’s adventures in the lethal woods of the ground.” Raven said after a moment of silence.

And Clarke told her. She wasn’t quite sure why; perhaps it was the fact that talking kept her occupied, or the fact that she’d been burning to talk to someone. Or perhaps it was just the fact that she knew Raven was not there to judge her.

“You’re saying you killed a deer with your bare hands?” Raven exclaimed after Clarke finished a tale of her heroic deer capture the one night she had lost her knife.

“Yeah.”

“Badass.”

“I guess.”

“So you stayed here…and then at some caves east…and then just wandered around. And no one saw you?”

“If they did, they wouldn’t have recognized me. I dyed my hair red with berries.”

“Red like blood.”

“I couldn’t very well start rubbing mud in my hair. Red dye was easier to manage, and less smelly.”

Raven let out a chuckle. “I can imagine your hygiene was very well taken care of during that month.”

Clarke laughed, and Raven joined her. “Not at all. Maybe one bath.”

“I cannot believe Lexa fell for a murderous, dirty, grimy creature like you.” Raven chuckled. “I don’t think she was quite prepared for that. The great Heda, all head over heels over a tiny little Skaikru girl.”

“I’m not tiny.”

“You’re shorter than me.”

“I’m almost as tall as Lexa.”

“Who’s also shorter than me.”

Clarke swatted at Raven’s stomach. “Shut up.”

“You two can be tiny leaders together.” Raven continued, now laughing audibly. “Tiny Lexa and tiny Clarke, leading the Grounders and Skaikru together.”

Clarke groaned. “Raven, stop. I’m not—“ but she stopped herself and thought.

“What?” Raven stopped her joking and looked at Clarke seriously. “What is it?”

“I was going to say that I’m not a leader.” Clarke said with disbelief coating her voice. “But when I say it, it feels like a lie.”

“That’s because it is, Clarke. You’re a leader, like it or not.” Raven turned to her stomach so she could properly look at Clarke. “I know we’ve had our…indifferences, but I trust you, Clarke. I don’t like the Chancellor or Kane or the rest of the Council. On the Ark, they may have known what they were doing, but here, they’re clueless. You’re not.”

“How am I not clueless?”

“You’re the one who negotiated a truce with the Grounders. You’re the only one of the 48 who left the Mountain, and the one who came back to rescue them. You care about us and we all know it. That’s why the people trust you. They would follow you, each and every single one, wherever you took them.”

“I hope you’re not trying to talk me into returning to Arkadia. Because I’m not.” Clarke sighed.

“You’re not?”

“No.”

“Where will you go?”

“Polis.”

“With Lexa?”

“For other reasons, but yes, with Lexa.”

“What other reasons?”

Clarke glanced at Raven and suddenly realized she had yet to tell anyone about Lexa’s invitation.

“Lexa has asked us to join the Coalition. To replace the Ice Nation.”

“The Ice Nation is out?”

“The attack here was an act of war.” Clarke replied. “Lexa’s gone to Polis to denounce the Azgeda and to declare war on them.”

“Wow. Tough.” Raven sighed. “She wants us to join the Coalition?”

“That way we’re not just by ourselves. We’ll be her people, too.”

“How would that work?”

“Nothing would change, not really. We’d be subject to some basic laws of the Coalition, like no attacking the other clans and that stuff. And Polis needs an Ambassador.”

“That’ll be you, right?”

“Actually, that’ll be Kane. Lexa regards me as the leader of the Sky People, Raven, as does the entirety of the grounder population. Apparently.”

“So then why are you leaving your people?”

“I’m going to live in Polis and lead us from there. That way Mom can still be Chancellor and I don’t have to live in Arkadia but I still get to see everyone.”

Raven chewed her lip. “But you’d be alone.”

“I’d have Lexa.”

“That’s only one person.” Raven pointed out. “I’m not saying I don’t want you to go. I don’t really enjoy Arkadia either. They…the people aren’t too fond of us delinquents.”

“Don’t call yourself that.”

“That’s what we are. Octavia, me, Monty…Bellamy, too, but he’s a guard so he kind of fits in. They avoid us, so we’re left to fend for ourselves. Which is fine, except they won’t let us go into the woods.”

“Do you want me to talk to Mom about it?”

“No.” Raven sighed. “Could I come with you to Polis?”

Clarke stared at the ceiling and shrugged. “Sure. If Lexa allows it.”

“I’m not asking Lexa’s permission. I know you can get her to agree.”

Clarke laughed. “I’m sure I can make that happen.”

“Good.”

“But what will you do in Polis? You won’t have any gadgets to fix. There isn’t even electricity.” Clarke said. “Wait, no. There is electricity. Solar panels.”

“Really?”

“The elevators work with solar power.”

“Maybe they need fixing.” Raven shrugged. “I don’t know. I just don’t like Arkadia. I want to see the world, you know?”

Clarke sighed and nodded. “Definitely.”

 

* * *

 

Lexa managed to get about an hour into her travel before the rain began falling. It was not so much rain as it was a wall of water, which hammered down on her so hard she could feel it pummeling her muscles. She could barely see where she was going, but luckily Noah knew his way back home. She loved her horse. Noah had been her trusty steed for almost ten years, and was yet to ever fail her. He was calm and wise, and knew where to go even when she did not. His smooth black coat was soon drenched with the icy water, but he did not mind; he had been in worse conditions.

Each shift in movement of her groin against the saddle caused a jolt of pleasure to run through Lexa’s core. Her mind kept wandering to what she wanted to do when Clarke finally came to Polis. She could not keep herself from thinking of it; each time she thought she was in the clear, Clarke’s face emerged in her mind, and she fell back into her lustful thoughts once again. This made her ride an agony of dissatisfaction, and being kept literally on edge soon left Lexa exhausted both emotionally as well as physically.

She rode fast in hopes of getting to Polis as soon as possible. It was cold and it was wet, and her hair was already stuck to her face, practically frozen in the chilly autumn rain. The ground beneath Noah’s hooves was soon overflowing with water, and what had once been an asphalt road was now a small river, the water pouring downhill along their way. All other sounds were overrun by the roar of the rain; she could not see beyond Noah’s head, but the knowledge that anyone else in the woods couldn’t see any more than she did gave her solace. She would not be disturbed on this ride.

Her cloak was successful in keeping her relatively dry, but her legs were not covered by it and very soon Lexa felt them grow cold and numb. She cursed the skies then, knowing her legs would be in pain once she reached her home.

She hoped her handmaidens had had the sense to start heating up the sauna.

It was well past midnight when Lexa finally arrived in Polis. It was still raining as hard as it had been all day, and her muscles were sore from the constant hammering rain and the few showers of hail that had passed on her way there. She hurried her way to the tower, which was shrouded in a rain cloud, practically galloping through the empty, flooded streets of the capital.

She had to be lifted off of the saddle, as her legs had grown cold and numb, leaving her incapable of moving them. The solemn stablemaster, Per, set her down before a fire to heat up her legs so she wouldn’t have to stoop down to ask someone else to carry her. The heat caused her legs to burn like fire, and for a minute she just sat there, gritting her teeth in pain as blood began rushing through her legs.

“Thank you, Per.” She muttered as she finally stumbled her way out of the stables and into the Tower. The way up in the elevator seemed to take forever, but the instant she was up she was met by her handmaidens, Elia and Milah, who followed her quietly as she walked directly to her bathing quarters.

As she had hoped, the sauna had been warmed up, and with a thanks she dismissed the two girls. The bath had also been heated, though it was more like a pool than a bath given it's size and depth. Lexa peeled off her drenched clothes, discarding them in a basket near the door before slowly walking into the water.

The hot water rushed at her, and she hissed in pain as heat pushed it’s way into her skin and her body. It felt as though her limbs were on fire, as though her blood were boiling, but she knew that pain was good. It meant the blood in her body was heating up again. The water smelled of lavender and spices, and Lexa leaned back to submerge herself in the water completely, hoping the cold tremors would end.

She washed herself thoroughly, scrubbing at her skin with a rough sponge to get the blood flowing. It left her skin tingling and raw, but she also knew that by the morning her skin would be incredibly soft. She had never really cared so much about the softness of her skin or how she smelled, but she now found herself caring almost too much. She wanted to feel nice to Clarke, to smell nice for her love – she wanted to be as appealing to Clarke as she could.

With a groan she exited the pool and entered the sauna, where a towel was spread across the top bench. Lexa had always preferred saunas over baths; baths exhausted her, and she could never remain in the hot water for long. Saunas, on the other hand, she loved; she could remain in one forever, especially when she was as cold as she was now.

She poured a cupful of water onto the hot stones, causing steam to erupt from them with a loud hiss. As she laid down onto her stomach, she felt the hot steam come at her, burning for a fleeting second before settling through her skin in a more gentle and less painful manner. Her muscles, sore from riding all day, almost sighed at the feel, and she felt her entire body and soul relax in the heat.

Lexa wondered whether Clarke was comfortable. She hoped Clarke wasn’t being stubborn and refusing a jacket, or going outside to admire the rain. The blonde couldn’t afford to get sick again.

She’d been in the sauna for quite some time when Elia popped her head in carefully.

“We have set up some food for you, Heda,” The girl said quietly. “And I brought you some clothes, they’re just outside. Will you be requiring anything else?”

Lexa was about to ask for a cup of cold ale when she heard a cup being placed onto the bench next to her, and lifted her head just slightly to see a mug of ale.

“Thank you, Elia.” She smiled. “If you could ask for Titus to come see me.”

The girl bowed her head and slipped away, and Lexa heard her hurrying her steps out of the bathroom and into the hall. Elia seemed to always be in a rush. She was young, not even fifteen yet, and Lexa had chosen her because she had shown promise in becoming a lady of the court. The girl was improving, but because of her youth she was eager to show that she was capable of her tasks. Lexa just hoped the girl wouldn’t slip one day and split her head.

Lexa sat up then, tossing another cupful of water at the stones as she lifted the cup to her lips and drank the cold ale. It was a quirk of hers, one which others had commented on in the past. The feel of the heat and the cold ale was just perfect for Lexa, and she was so perfectly relaxed she almost fell asleep right there and then.

She didn’t. She knew that was dangerous.

Instead, she threw one last cupful of water and relished the insane heat for as long as she could before darting out of the sauna and into the white-tiled bathroom. Her skin was steaming as she ran into the second, smaller pool that was next to the hot one. This one had cold water, nearly freezing, and she let out a stifled cry as the freezing cold water rushed at every inch of her skin and paralyzed her for a fleeting second. As soon as she was in, she was out with a warm towel wrapped around her body. Her skin was cold, but her core was still warm, and soon enough the cold subsided, leaving her even more relaxed than before. The water had also washed off the sweat which had built up in the sauna, and she now padded over to the side to find an array of comfortable bed-clothes spread onto the pale wooden bench. She selected a pair of silken underwear and a light shirt, and dressed herself slowly, feeling her muscles groan under the strain of the effort.

Next to the clothes, there was a tray of food. Lexa sat down onto the bench and picked up a few grapes, tossing them into her mouth as she laid her head back against the wall. She was adequately exhausted, and was more than ready to lay down into bed and go to sleep. But she knew she had more pressing matters to attend to.

She forced herself to eat a few pastries and to down another mug of ale before pulling a silk robe around her slender body and stepping from the back door into her bedroom. In the doorway stood Titus, as she had expected him to be. The bald man seemed to be available to her at every hour, and never appeared any more exhausted than he did during the day.

“Welcome back, Heda.” He greeted her with a bow.

Lexa nodded in acknowledgement and stopped before two armchairs next to a bookcase. “Come, Titus. Sit. We have some matters to discuss.”

“It is late, Heda. You should rest.”

“I am afraid this cannot wait.”

Titus nodded and came over to sit in the chair.

“As you are aware, the Ice Nation attacked me directly not a week ago. Threats were made. I want to know whether anything else has risen.”

“I have arrested the Azgeda delegation. Prince Roan remains in our custody as well. Our scouts have confirmed that their army resides not a days' march from Polis. I’ve heard about attacks at the northern villages as well; Azgeda, no doubt.”

Lexa nodded. “The Azgeda do not know about the outbreak.”

This seemed to phase Titus, and he looked at her curiously. “That is good news indeed.”

“They will know in a matter of days.” Lexa said nonchalantly. “I have sent them a present.”

“A present?”

“One of the warriors who attacked me was spared. He fell ill with the fever, as is to be expected…we set him free today. He will find his way to the Azgeda camp, one way or another.”

“That is what you requested Yorge and Oscar for?”

“Yes.”

“That is quite a risk.”

“I am aware. But we are not losing anything with this attack. If it succeeds, it will weaken the Azgeda greatly. If it does not, we lose nothing.”

Titus nodded. “Was there something else you needed to discuss?”

“I wish for you to report to me tomorrow on the 11 clans. What they think, what they know, how they are feeling about the Coalition.”

“11?”

“The Azgeda are hereby denounced from the Coalition. We are at war with them, Titus.”

“Yes, Heda.” Titus bowed his head. “Why do you wish a report on the Clans?”

“I have invited the Skaikru to join.”

“Join? As in the Coalition?”

Lexa nodded. Her head was swimming with exhaustion now, and she was itching to usher Titus out of the room and to go to sleep. “It is the only rational thing to do. I have spoken with Clarke – she seems reasonable, too.” Lexa prayed Titus didn’t notice the slight waver in her voice when she said Clarke’s name.

“They have forgiven you for the Mountain?”

“I am not so sure about them all, but Clarke has. “

Titus’s eyes gleamed with a knowing look. “Am I to begin wedding preparations, Heda?”

Lexa glared at him. “You will not joke about this.”

“Of course, Heda.” He stood up and bowed again. “You will have your report tomorrow. Rest well.”

Lexa nodded and stood as well, waiting just long enough for the door to close behind Titus before finally letting out a long, exasperated groan.

She shrugged the robe off of herself as she walked towards her bed. A few paces away from it, however, she changed her mind, directing her feet towards the blue door at the corner of the room instead. She pushed it open carefully, and for a moment she imagined seeing Clarke in the bed. But it was empty, the sheets laid perfectly along the soft mattress, and Lexa slumped onto them with absolutely no grace whatsoever. She buried her head into the white embroidered pillow and pulled the white ice bear furs over herself, feeling herself already slipping into deep sleep.

“Five nights, Clarke,” She murmured into the pillow. “Five nights.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cute, is it not?   
> not to mention war is brewing that calls for badass Lexa ^_^


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a long-ass chapter but you're welcome anyway

“Absolutely not.”

Clarke gaped at her mother. Abby was staring at her, her arms crossed across her chest and the most determined look in her eye which should have made Clarke quiver.

But it didn’t, because Clarke was just as determined.

“Mom—“

“Clarke, there is _no_ way we are joining the Coalition.”

“Mom-“

“She betrayed us, Clarke. I know you love her and I think it is sweet, but the fact remains that she is not the most trustworthy ally. We will not join the Coalition.”

Clarke looked at Kane desperately, but he just shook her head. Abby was pissed, and he dared not cross that line with her. They both knew just how vicious Abby’s temper could get.

Clarke had invited them over to tell them about what she had thought to be a perfect plan. Her mother’s reaction had shocked her thoroughly, and she was now in the bizarre situation of fighting with her mother while she and Kane wore the most _ridiculous_ looking protective suits.

Her mother tapped her foot as though she was waiting for Clarke to say she was sorry. Clarke was having none of it, and so she let out a long exasperated sigh before locking eye with her mother and returning her glare.

“I want you to sit down and to listen to what I have to say.” Clarke ordered, her voice low and demanding. “Okay?”

Abby opened her mouth to protest, but Kane placed a hand on her arm. “Abby.”

Clarke watched as her mother clamped her mouth shut and sat down in a chair alongside Kane. She took a seat across them on the table, and fumbled with her hands as she thought of what to say.

“War is brewing, and we cannot fight a war.”

Kane nodded. Abby continued throwing murderous glares at her.

“Joining the Coalition will give us the backing we need against the Azgeda. They want us dead, more than any other clan. Not to mention we cannot live as outcasts forever. Lexa has already promised us help in preparing for the winter, and we need that help as well.”

“That is true.”

Clarke sighed. At least Kane was beginning to see it.

“But she still betrayed us.”

“She did what was right for _her_ people. We were not her people. If we join the Coalition, we will become her people. She does not discard her own. She will not betray her own.”

“What makes you think she will treat us as her own?”

“I just know, okay? Lexa is a good leader. No, sorry, she is a great one. She would have treated us as her own before but we were not part of the Coalition. The other clans would have thought her weak. If we join, any act of kindness towards us will not be brought to question. We can have peace.”

“Peace amidst a war? Unlikely.”

“If the fever breaks out among the Azgeda, there will not be much left to fight.” Clarke smirked.

“Okay, so say we accept her proposition and join the Coalition. Then what?”

“We will be answerable to her, but will remain autonomous. She has no desire to tyrannize us. She will require an Ambassador to reside in the Capital, of course, but that won’t be an issue.”

“And you think that’ll be you?” Abby scoffed. “No way.”

“Actually, I was thinking of Kane.”

“Me?”

“You’re well versed in diplomacy and politics. I’d say you’re perfect.” Clarke shrugged. “Also…the Grounders see me as the leader of the Skaikru. Don’t ask me why, but that’s just how it is. And I know you’re the Chancellor and Council, but the Grounders do not value you like they do me. They revere me. They fear me. I am the Wanheda. Lexa knows this, as do I. She believes that if I reside in the capital with her, and bring the strength of the Wanheda, the people will see that the Skaikru are a force to be reckoned with.”

“Live in the capital?” Abby asked. “What about us? What about Arkadia?”

“I am going to say this once,” Clarke sighed. “I am not coming back to Arkadia. It’s not for me.”

“Clarke…”

“My mind has already been made. This is what is right for my people. For our people. You can protest all you wish, but I will still go. You cannot restrain me.”

“I can.”

“You won’t, Mom.”

Abby sighed. “I don’t like this, Clarke.”

“Polis is no more dangerous than Arkadia is.”

“I don’t like the thought of you so far.”

“Didn’t seem to bother you when you chucked me out into space and to the ground.” Clarke muttered.

“Clarke—“

“I’ve made up my mind, Mom. And I won’t be alone. Raven and Octavia have already expressed their wishes to join me. Anyone else who wishes to come is more than welcome. We are going to Polis, whether you like it or not.”

“I can ban them from leaving camp.”

“They’ll find a way out. You know this.”

Abby sighed. “You’re just a child, Clarke. You’re not a leader.”

“Am I? Then tell me, Chancellor, why do the Grounders revere _me_? Why do our people still wish for _my_ return? Why does just about everyone I talk to tell me that I’m everyone’s hero and that they want their _leader_ back? Why is it that it has been two _months_ and they still ask after me, even though you’re their supposed leader? I know that each meeting begins with dozens of questions about me. You can’t deny the fact that the people have chosen me.”

“You’re 18.”

“So? Lexa was 10 when she became Commander. Not once was she questioned.”

“But those are Grounders.”

“We are Grounders now, Mom. Those rules you made up on the Ark, they don’t apply here. You have to adjust sooner or later. I suggest you do it now.” Clarke snapped. “If you want the best for our people, you will agree to this.”

Kane cleared his throat, drawing attention. “Clarke’s right.”

Abby gaped at him. “No, she isn’t.”

“Yes, she is. Abby, don’t let your feelings cloud your judgement. Yes, Clarke may be young but she has a fair point—“

“She’s a child!”

“I am not a child!” Clarke interrupted, springing to her feet. “I have not been a child for months, not since you sent me here to die. I will not be treated like one, not any longer.”

Abby fell silent, watching her daughter in shock. Clarke’s eyes were burning with anger, and for the first time, Abby saw the power her daughter withheld. And it terrified her to the core.

“I have been leading our people on the ground ever since we came here.” Clarke growled. “I have more experience at this than you do. You were experts at keeping the people alive when there was no diplomacy to be done; what could have there been, in space, where there were no outside threats? Here, your experience is useless. And you lack something I have; victories. The Grounders have credited me as the Mountain Slayer, not you. I am the leader of the Skaikru to them, because I was the one who saved our people and brought the Mountain to it’s knees. I did what had to be done to save us. And even before that I had won battles. Do you even know what happened at the drop ship?”

Abby and Kane stared at Clarke solemnly.

“The Grounders tried to attack us too many times. We lost many. They attacked us with a hemorrhagic fever, and I healed us. They attacked us in our camp, and I burned 300 of them. I have saved our people more times than you two combined, and I will continue to do so, because they need me.”

Abby sighed. “I guess…I guess you’re right, Clarke.”

Clarke let out a sigh of relief and sat back down, suddenly exhausted. “Thank you.”

“Just…say goodbye this time.”

Clarke looked up at her mother and offered a gentle smile. “Of course, Mom. But I’ll be coming back. I’m not really going anywhere.”

 

* * *

 

Clarke paced around the ship. She was anxious. It had been five days since Lexa had left, and the sun was about to go down and the man named Lionel was yet to show up. She was worried for more reasons than one. She was worried that she’d infect him, that he’d die. She was also worried that he’d be late and that her meeting with Lexa would be pushed back even further.

“Clarke?”

Clarke whirled around to find Bellamy standing in the doorway with a young man. He was tall and slender, with sun-kissed skin and piercing yellow eyes which reminded Clarke of a mountain lion. For now, he was wearing the same blue protective suit as everyone else, but he looked even odder in it than the rest.

“You must be Lionel, right?”

The man nodded as he stepped further into the ship. “The Heda sends her regards.”

Clarke nodded and swallowed hard, her stomach churning with yearning to see Lexa again.

“So…you just take off the suit, right?”

Lionel nodded. Slowly as one could, he pulled down the zipper and stepped out of the suit. Clarke noticed he was slightly tense, and wondered if he really wanted to be doing this.

“I must thank you first, Wanheda.”

Clarke blinked. “What?”

“Even if I do not get blessed with the illness, it will have been an honor meeting you.”

Clarke stared at him for a long while before nodding. “Uh…you’re welcome, I guess.”

Lionel sat into a chair and set his eyes towards the far end of the ship. “I stay here, yes?”

“I guess…don’t stray too far from me. So you get the most…exposure.”

Lionel nodded. “Heda wishes for your hasty return.”

“Any news about the Azgeda?”

“Their armies are gathering from the north. There are rumors that they will strike during midwinter, when we are at our weakest. We are preparing for war.”

Clarke sighed in relief. It was still at least three months until midwinter. They had time. “Any other messages?”

Lionel pulled out a slip of paper from within his coat and handed it to Clarke. It was sealed with wax, and Clarke blushed slightly when she took the paper from him and smelled just the slightest hint of whatever spice if was that seemed to shroud Lexa's person at all times.

“Thank you.”

She walked over to the bed and sat down, ripping the seal open as carefully as she could.

_Clarke,_

_I pray that your ailment has fully passed and that you may return to me soon. Lionel is well versed in swordmanship, and if he fails to catch the fever he will escort you to Polis. I have sent a second horse with him – it is yours. He is yet to have a name. I thought you would like to name him._

_On his back you should find a pack with some warm clothes for your journey. The weather here is awful – it has been raining for days on end. I wish that your travels will not be as awful as mine was, but the heavens are not very pleasant at this time of year._

_I wish you were here with me. It is awfully lonely, especially at night. I have taken the liberty to buy some art supplies for you, since you said you enjoyed drawing and painting. They will be waiting for you._

_I have many things that I would like to say to you, Clarke. But I am keeping them here, waiting for you. You will hear them once you return._

_I will be waiting for you, Clarke. Do hurry home._

_Lexa_

Clarke ran her finger over Lexa’s narrow, even handwriting. It was sharp and thin, but it was clear that Lexa’s penmanship was wonderful. Clarke wondered whether the Grounders had schools like they had had on the Ark, or whether Lexa had learned to write after her appointment as the Commander. Nevertheless, she could not help but smile at what Lexa had written.

“She said something about a horse?”

Lionel nodded and stood. “I can show you him if you’d want.”

Clarke followed him outside, where she saw two horses tied to a tree. She smirked at Bellamy before following Lionel to the horses, of which the white one he told was hers.

The horse was absolutely beautiful. It’s coat was pure white, as was it’s mane; it had gentle eyes, and allowed Clarke to pat it’s muzzle like the kind soul she recognized he was.

She spent a while thinking of a name for him. He was a beauty, that much she could see, but a name did not come easy.

“Hey, Bell, come over here for a sec.” She called out. Bellamy came over quickly, giving her a gentle nudge and a friendly smile.

“What’s up?”

“Lexa gave me a horse.” Clarke said simply, nodding her head towards the horse.

Bellamy looked him in awe and let out a quiet whistle. “It’s beautiful.”

“I need to name him.”

“And you can’t think of a name, can you?”

“Give me a fancy name from your mythology knowledge. I know you’ve got plenty.”

Bellamy thought for a second. “You could name him Troy.”

“Troy? As in the Trojan horse?” Clarke asked.

“Yeah.”

“Come on, you’ve got more of an imagination like that.”

Bellamy made a face. “I remember the characters, not horses.”

“Well think which characters have horses. Maybe that’ll help.”

Bellamy suddenly snapped his fingers. “Achilles had two horses.”

“Okay, shoot.”

“Balios and Xanthos. The offspring of Zeus himself, immortal horses.”

“Either of them white?”

“The color is never specified.”

Clarke looked at her horse. “Okay, which is it? Balios?”

The horse made a huffing noise and shook his head as though to say no.

“Okay, not Balios. Xanthos?”

The horse just stared at her, but Clarke had enjoyed the way the name had rolled off of her tongue. “Okay, Xanthos it is.”

She patted the horse’s side. “I hope we get to travel soon, Xanthos.”

 

* * *

 

A day passed, and there was no change to Lionel’s condition. Clarke insisted Abby check him at least five times, but to her knowledge there was absolutely no red spot anywhere on his body. Abby even ran a blood test which indicated that he was perfectly fine.

The glee that exploded in Clarke’s gut when she heard that she was no longer contagious hit her like a wall, and for a moment she forgot to breathe. But then she regained herself and darted over to the horse, where the pack full of clothes was yet untouched. She hadn’t dared to open it, fearing Lionel would fall ill and she would be sorely disappointed.

“I’ll get dressed. You get ready to leave.”

“You wish to leave now, Skaiprisa?” Lionel asked.

Clarke shrugged. “Yeah.”

“Clarke, maybe you should wait.” Abby interjected. “I just got you back. Don’t you want to come to camp?”

“Mom, I haven’t left this ship for weeks. I’m just moments from going completely insane.” Clarke groaned.

“Then come to camp.”

“Mom…”

“Fine,” Abby sighed. “What about Raven and the others?”

“I’ll radio them.”

 

* * *

 

An hour later, they stood in the clearing, waiting on Raven and Octavia. Clarke was dressed in the clothes which Lexa had sent her, which consisted of a snugly fitting wool shirt and blue pants, as well as warm leather boots and a slim, yet warm coat that was made of soft lambskin. She had fingerless gloves, too – the exact same ones Lexa had worn. Everything that Clarke was wearing smelled of Lexa, and she loved breathing in the scent with each breath. It was also incredibly warm, and she thanked Lexa in her mind for having the foresight to know that it would be a cold day.

When Octavia and Raven emerged, both on horseback, Clarke smiled.

“What on earth are you wearing?” Raven exclaimed the instant she saw her. “You look like a Grounder.”

“Lexa sent them. It’s getting cold, and it’ll be raining too. Here.” Clarke tossed two similar coats at her friends, who caught them with ease. “It’s winter. Dress like it.”

Octavia put the coat on happily, relishing the warmth it provided. She was more than glad to discard her all-too-thin bomber jacket in favor of the leathery coat with fleece inseams and warm pockets. Raven, on the other hand, was not so eager to let go of her red jacket. Only after a long whining argument from Octavia did she agree to take it off, but she put it into her backpack for future use.

“Okay. Ready to go?” Clarke asked her friends. Her hands held her horse’s reins, and Lionel stood next to her, ready to help her into his back.

Abby came over and hugged her then. “Do come back soon, Clarke.” She said quietly. “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too.” Clarke said. “And I’ve got the radio. So there’s that at least.”

Abby nodded. “Goodbye, Clarke.”

“Bye, Mom.” Clarke smiled. She then climbed onto Xanthos’s back, and in that instant, she felt like she was on top of the world. She had only been on horseback a few times before, and had been terrified each time. The previous horses had been jumpy and suspicious of her, but Xanthos was calm and steady. As they set off into the woods, Clarke felt the horse adjusting to her own movements, and knew that this steed was perfect for her. How Lexa had known to pick just the right one, Clarke had no clue.

She was going to ask that once she saw her again.

The excitement grew in her chest with each passing hour until it was literally unbearable. Looking at her two friends, she saw that they were excited as well. But they were also nervous, and Clarke understood very well why. She was only slightly nervous – her anxiety was heavily overridden by the excitement she felt knowing the fact that she would see Lexa in a matter of hours.

Octavia, of course, had underlying motives for coming to Polis. Clarke knew she was going to demand Lexa to lift Lincoln’s kill order. She would have to ensure Lexa would do that, because otherwise there would be a sore misunderstanding and Clarke was in no mood to be sorting out disputes right away.

Raven had good reason to be nervous too. She was leaving everything she knew behind for a new place, full of people she did not know and whom she understood very little. Even so, Clarke admired her bravery.

Every now and then, she would pull out Lexa’s letter and read it over again. She had read it so many times she knew it by heart, but there was something comforting about reading the words she knew Lexa had written onto that paper.

“Is that a love note?”

Clarke’s head snapped up to look at Raven, who was riding beside her with a knowing smirk on her face.

“Don’t tell me it’s something dirty.”

“Oh, god, no.” Clarke groaned. “Shut up.”

“What are we talking about?” Octavia piped in, bringing her horse in on Clarke’s right side.

“Clarke’s got a sexy note from Lexa.” Raven told her.

“No I don’t.”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s just a letter.”

“Yeah, right. Because people usually read letters over and over again like you’ve been doing for hours.”

“It’s just a letter.” Clarke repeated. “I just…I miss her, okay? Shut up about it.”

“Oh you very well know we’re not going to ‘shut up about it’.” Octavia chuckled. “You’re in for a world of snarkiness and sarcasm, as delivered by your favorite mechanic over there.”

“What are you delivering then?”

“Nudges and judgmental looks.” Octavia shrugged.

Around halfway to Polis it began raining, and even with their waterproof leather coats they were soon drenched to the core. The wind was blowing, practically ripping at them, and so even their coats could not prevent the water from flying in from the sides and underneath, freezing their skin and making everything feel numb. Lionel only hurried their pace, and Clarke knew she would be sore for weeks afterwards. Xanthos was a gentle steed, but riding him was not the same as riding a car; it was bumpy, it was rough, and by nightfall Clarke was sure she would never have command of her legs ever again.

It was pitch dark and still raining when they reached Polis around midnight. The only reason they could see the city at all were the thousands of lights that were lit in the widows of dilapidated skyscrapers and buildings. As they rode through the paved streets of the Grounder Capital, they saw not one person- Lionel told them it was because of the quarantine. Apparently, everyone was confined to their homes as much as possible to prevent any more people succumbing to the fever.

Just like in Arkadia, the city’s perimeter was lit by an endless line of bonfires, which burned despite the heavy rain that befell them. Clarke pitied those poor souls whose job it was to keep them burning, but her worry for them soon passed over when she caught sight of the tower.

Lexa hadn’t been exaggerating when she said it was the largest building in the city. It loomed before them, closer than she’d expected, and she could not see it’s top because of the clouds that hid it. It was almost intimidating, the way it stood before them so large and void of the little lights that were lit in the other buildings. It was not completely dark, but only a small number of the windows had lights. It was as though it wasn’t habited like the rest of the buildings in the city.

“Whoa.” Octavia sighed, her eyes staring up in awe. “That’s a big tower.”

 “Someone’s compensating.”

Clarke groaned and rolled her eyes at Raven while a fit of giggles escaped Octavia’s lips.

“Raven you better not say that around Lexa, I am not going to find out what they do to insufferable asses here in the Capital.”

“Fine, Princess. I’ll keep my stellar humor to a minimum.”

They arrived at some stables, and Clarke recognized Noah immediately. The black horse seemed to recognize her as well, as it neighed almost gleefully when she came into view. The stable master also stepped into view then, and promptly picked Clarke up from it’s back and set her onto the ground. The instant she was to stand on her own, however, Clarke felt her knees buckle, but the man caught her again, grumbling something to himself as he helped her over to a chair. Clarke watched as Lionel proceeded to help Raven and Octavia out of their saddles; Raven was understandably stiff and in pain, and even Octavia was groaning and shaking her legs for a moment before they all got up and followed Lionel into the tower. Clarke noticed that the man had shed his protective suit, and saw that he moved with much more grace without the shuffling plastic on his person.

All three girls were shivering as they stood in the elevator, waiting for it to be pulled up. As there had been no sun available for the past week, the elevator was operated by a set of pulleys and other things. This explanation came from Lionel, who seemed to know very little about mechanics.

“Maybe you can figure out a battery system.” Clarke suggested to Raven, whose eyes immediately lit up as she began eyeing the elevator, her brain racing a thousand miles per hour.

Clarke was nervous now. She was headed for Lexa’s home, for the rooms that she had only heard about. She hadn’t seen Lexa for almost a week, and her heart ached to see her again. In the pit of her stomach was a heavy weight of excitement and nerves, and she was not sure how she was going to conduct herself around the brunette.

The elevator came to a stop, and with wavering legs the girls followed Lionel through a finely furnished hall and into the war room.

Clarke’s heart stopped for a second when she caught sight of Lexa. She was sitting on her throne, her eyes fixed on her, as though no one else existed except she.

“Welcome, Clarke of the Sky People. Welcome to your friends as well.” Lexa said as she stood. Clarke now noticed that they were not the only ones in the room; there was an array of warriors standing along the sides, evidently those of the Coalition. “I will not ask you to kneel. I know you have had a tiresome journey. I apologize for the audience; I was just finishing up on a meeting.” To the rest of the people in the room, she nodded and said in her own tongue: “You are dismissed.”

The warriors filed out of the room, leaving only Lionel and Lexa’s guards.

“Thank you, Lionel.” Lexa said. “You will be paid handsomely for your bothers.”

Lionel bowed and then he, too, left the room. A wave of Lexa’s hands sent the guards out as well, leaving only Clarke, Raven and Octavia.

“How was your journey?” Lexa asked, her voice now audibly softer and kinder. “I hope it wasn’t too cold?”

“I’m freezing.” Raven quipped through clattering teeth. “Tell me there’s a bath or something. I’ll light myself on fire if I have to.”

Lexa smirked. “Yes, there is a bath prepared for you. A sauna, too, if you’d prefer that.”

Clarke could not tear her eyes away from Lexa. She was wearing war paint, which somehow made her look intimidating and so infinitely beautiful Clarke wasn’t sure her heart could contain itself. Amidst the dark paint, she noticed the joy in the brunette’s eyes, and could not help the smile that spread onto her lips. She wanted nothing more than to have her in her arms, but the fact that Raven and Octavia remained behind her kept her in her place.

“Behind that door,” Lexa continued, pointing to a door to their right, “You’ll find Elia and Milah. They’ll take care of you. Anything you wish, just ask. They’ll show you to your rooms.”

And then she promptly closed the distance between Clarke and herself. Before Clarke could react, Lexa’s arms slipped around her thighs and the next thing she knew there was no ground beneath her feet, and she was straddling Lexa’s waist, the brunette’s lips pressing against her own determinedly and passionately.

She heard annoyed groans from behind herself, and knew Raven and Octavia were their source. Lexa grinned against her lips and hoisted her upwards to rest above her hip better, eliciting a squeal from Clarke’s lips, but her arms held her as though she weighed nothing. Clarke wrapped her sore legs around Lexa’s waist and held on tight, relishing the affection and yet still feeling embarrassed that it was happening right in front of Raven and Octavia.

“Let me warm you up.” Lexa husked into Clarke’s ear. She turned around and walked to the door behind her throne, ignoring the stares the two of them were receiving from Raven and Octavia. Clarke looked around Lexa’s head and offered them an apologetic shrug before the door closed behind them and she and Lexa were alone.

Lexa’s lips engulfed Clarke’s, and Clarke couldn’t help but wonder how the brunette could both carry her and kiss her all the while taking them somewhere without collapsing or getting confused.

“Where are we going?” She asked.

“Where would you like to go?” Lexa replied. “Bed or bath?”

Clarke’s shivers and clattering teeth provided her answer, and Lexa pushed the door to her bathroom open with her foot. The door shut behind them, and Clarke found herself in what could only be described as a roman bath; the walls were white marble tile, and there were two different pools of water, one steaming, one not. There were benches and tables, too, and she even saw a door which she assumed lead to the sauna Lexa had mentioned. The whole space was filled with humidity and warmth, and it all smelled like Lexa – like lavender and spices and like the woods, though Clarke had no idea how someone could bottle the scent of the woods like they had appeared to have done here.

Her back pressed up against the wall as Lexa kissed her again. Clarke moaned as Lexa’s hips pressed into her center, and she knew her time for rest was not yet to come. Not that she minded; she had waited for this for six days, the same as Lexa. Exhaustion was nothing when compared to the lust she had tried so hard to stifle for six days.

“Let’s get you out of those clothes.” Lexa murmured as she set Clarke down. Clarke’s legs failed her, but Lexa caught her with ease, a snicker escaping her lips as she helped Clarke over to a chair.

“Clearly your horse has worn you out.” She tutted as she pulled – no, peeled – Clarke’s wet pants from her legs.

“His name is Xanthos.” Clarke said. “And he’s a great steed. I’m just not used to riding.”

“I can see that.” Lexa smiled. She slipped Clarke’s underwear off without the blonde even noticing, and was suddenly overcome with an incessant need to have Clarke right there and then. But she could feel the wet coldness of Clarke’s skin, and knew she would have to warm her up first.

“I think I can undress myself.” Clarke said, laughter playing in her voice. She pulled off her shirt with ease, and laid back in the chair, completely naked with a smirk on her face. “Your turn.”

Lexa rolled her eyes. “You’re insufferable.”

“I’m the one who’s laying here naked while your eyes practically devour me, and I have nothing to look at.”

“Is my face not enough?”

“Lexa…” Clarke coaxed. “Bathe with me.”

“That was my intent.” Lexa smiled. She went over to the table on the side and began undressing. For her, this was a bit more time-consuming, as she first had to shed the dozens of trinkets and knives and swords and belts that hung on her body. She unlaced her corset with ease, and her armor went off very quickly after that. There was a wash basin on the table, and she scrubbed the paint off of her face carefully. When she was left with nothing but the braids in her hair, she undid those too, setting the jeweled pins down gently before turning to face Clarke.

“You’re shivering.” She observed as she came back to Clarke and helped her up. “I should have sent you more clothes.”

“It wouldn’t have been useful. The rain has a way of getting in your clothes no matter what. It’s like it’s got a mind of it’s own.” Clarke grumbled. She attempted to take a step, but her legs shook and she pursed her lips so as to not curse. Lexa smiled and picked Clarke up again as she had before, but this time it was different. They were both naked, Lexa’s warm body pressing up against Clarke’s cold skin, and the tension in the air practically crackled with electricity. Lexa grinned when she felt Clarke’s sex press against her abdomen, already slick with arousal. It was obvious the blonde was in need of something more than just a bath.

Carefully so as to not slip, Lexa walked into the hot water pool and lowered the two of them in. She heard Clarke curse quietly as the hot water hit her, and sat down near the shallower end with Clarke in her lap. She then began rubbing Clarke’s limbs between her hands to get the blood flowing as quickly as she could.

“I missed you,” She whispered as she pressed a kiss onto Clarke’s shoulder. “Did you miss me?”

Clarke sighed heavily. “What do you think?”

Lexa grinned and kissed her softly. “Are you tired, my love?”

“No. Not really.”

“You should be. It is late and you have ridden a long way.”

“I may be tired but I have something…someone I have to do first.” Clarke murmured. “I told you I didn’t want a feast but that I wanted you. I thought I’d do as I promised.”

“There is plenty of time for that, Clarke.” Lexa whispered. “You look tired.”

“And you look like you need a release.”

Lexa’s breath hitched when Clarke’s hand slipped in between them and dipped down in between her thighs. “Am I right, Lexa?” Clarke murmured into her ear. “Do you need this?”

Lexa groaned as two fingers slipped into her, slowly, tentatively, and she bucked her hips to show Clarke she wanted more.

“I’d like a verbal answer.”

“Yes, Clarke.” Lexa groaned as the fingers in her sex began moving. “Please.”

“There’s a good girl.” Clarke purred. She wasn’t sure where this determination was coming from, or her dominance; all she knew that Lexa was literally unraveling before her at her demands, and it turned her on to no end. She flipped them over with ease, the buoyance of the water allowing her strength that extra push, and she was now the one on the bottom while Lexa rode her fingers in her lap. The brunette gasped at the change of angle, as Clarke’s fingers now struck her deeper and with even more pleasure than before.

“Fuck, Clarke.” She cursed as she gripped at Clarke’s back and buried her face into Clarke’s shoulder. “I’m—“

Clarke chuckled and pushed in even deeper, curling her fingers to press against the inside of Lexa’s sex as they moved. The sensation caused a gasp to escape Lexa’s lips, and Clarke claimed them with her own, her tongue moving past the brunette’s lips with ease to silence the moans that were now leaving her lips at a constant pace matching that of Clarke’s fingers in her cunt.

Clarke knew Lexa was about to come. She could feel it around her fingers, and she could not believe she was climaxing so soon. Clearly, Lexa had been on edge for a _very_ long time. Even so, she moved on to kiss and suck and bite at Lexa’s neck and pushed her fingers in even deeper, continuing until she heard the low moan erupt from Lexa’s throat and felt her nails dig into the soft skin of her shoulder as she came.

Lexa took no time to recover from her climax. With almost feral intensity, she claimed Clarke’s lips, her lips so rough it made both their lips tingle. A tongue slipped past Clarke’s lips into her mouth, and Clarke moaned at the contact and the way Lexa’s roughness made her feel weak and so aroused she could not believe it. Lexa wanted her, Lexa needed her, and Clarke was now warm and comfortable and so ready for this, for her. Lexa’s knee came up between her thighs, and she jumped at the contact; her core was pulsing with heat and pleasure, and without even realizing it she began moving her hips to Lexa’s rhythm.

“You need this too, don’t you Clarke?” Lexa hummed, her hands massaging Clarke’s breasts as her lips trailed kisses along her clavicle. “Riding a horse all day long didn’t wear you out?”

Clarke blushed. The constant contact of the saddle against her sex had caused more uncomfortable moments than she would have liked to admit. Most of the ride she had been thinking about Lexa, and thinking about Lexa too often led to thinking about sex. It did not help that she had been in a perpetual state of arousal for the past two days.

“Fuck me, Lexa,” She growled. “You know I need this.”

Lexa grinned and suddenly Clarke felt herself being lifted out of the water and onto her back onto the edge of the pool, her knees hanging over the edge, spread wide. Lexa gave her a moment to adjust, trailing kisses along her thighs and sucking on the sensitive skin, before she licked her tongue all the way along Clarke’s wetness, tasting her arousal. Clarke groaned and moved her hips closer, and Lexa gladly buried her face between her thighs. Her hands rested on Clarke’s abdomen as her tongue lapped at her most sensitive places, eliciting whimpers and moans from Clarke’s beautifully pink lips. To Lexa, every sound and taste and smell was intoxicating; she felt drunk, like Clarke was making her drunk with her juices and her voice and her body. A gasp escaped Clarke’s lips when she pushed her tongue inside her, and Lexa chuckled at the sheer intensity of Clarke’s pleasure which she was witnessing.

Clarke’s thighs, which now rested on Lexa’s shoulders, began shaking as Lexa’s tongue flicked over her clit in an endless motion. Lexa knew Clarke was close, and as she continued to suck on Clarke’s clit she heard the moan from her lover, which was followed by an orgasm so intensely beautiful Lexa was sure she would never see one so astounding. Clarke was left laying on the tiles in it’s wake, spent and exhausted to say the least. Gently as she could, Lexa took hold of her hips and pulled her back into the bath, enclosing Clarke’s body against hers in a loving embrace.

“Are you still cold?” She asked as she nuzzled her face against Clarke’s.

“No. I don’t think I’ll ever be cold again,” Clarke mumbled. She opened her eyes and smiled. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“It’s getting too hot.” Clarke said then. “Let’s go to bed.”

Lexa nodded and stood up first, offering Clarke her hand and helping her out of the bath and back to the bench where an array of silken night-clothes awaited them.

“You can take whatever you wish.” Lexa murmured. Clarke turned to look at her and smiled.

“I don’t need anything. I’m warm as it is.”

Lexa grinned at that. She herself had a preference for sleeping naked, and had only worn clothes to bed with Clarke out of respect to the fact that neither of them could really touch one another in the ways they really wanted. Now, however, there were no inhibitions.

“Then I guess we have no use for these.” Lexa said. She took Clarke’s hand and led her into her bedroom, feeling giddy as though she were a child on their name-day.

“Your room or mine?” She asked Clarke then. Clarke’s eyes ran over the room; she was too tired to marvel at it now. She would do that later. She noticed the big blue door in the corner, and instantly felt drawn towards it. Lexa let Clarke lead her to the door, watching her carefully as she pushed it open and revealed the room that had almost become like a shrine to the very girl whose hand she was now holding.

“Oh, Lexa,” Clarke breathed, “It’s beautiful.”

It truly was. The walls of this room were painted a creamy white, and the furniture here consisted of lightly colored objects; compared to the sturdy leather décor of the rest of Lexa’s apartments, her room came across as pristine and bright. This was not the sterile whiteness of the medical ward in the Mountain, nor the austere blankness of the Ark; no, this was a beautiful brightness, a calming one. The center of the room was dominated by the bed, which was made of what appeared to be some kind of light-colored wood – willow, perhaps – and carved into intricate patterns of flowers and animals and trees. There was no canopy over this bed like there was over Lexa’s; instead, an arrangement of tiny little crystals hung over it, and as the gentle warm air breezed through, the crystals turned in their strings, reflecting the light coming from the candles that were lit all over the room. The bed itself was made with light blue sheets and white furs, and there were two pillows; one dark blue, one a silky white, laid side by side in an extremely inviting manner.

She looked around and admired the rest of the room. It was a little smaller than the adjacent room that belonged to Lexa, but it’s smallness only made it cozier. There was a fireplace, and in it crackled a fire so happily it was almost as though the flames were dancing in joy atop the dark logs. The floor was covered in furs of various colors ranging from white to light brown and grey. There were two chairs set in front of the fire, not of the same make but somehow matching in their shape and color. There was a desk at one end of the room, beside a second door which she figured led into the hallway; on the desk, she saw an array of pencils and paints and papers, and she even noticed an easel, yet to be set up, next to the chair.

All along the walls she saw paintings, one more beautiful than the next; she even recognized some of the painters, though she was not sure whether they were replicas or genuine items. Even so, they were beautiful.

“Come.”

Clarke looked towards where Lexa’s voice had sounded, and saw that she was standing at the balcony doors. She was holding a robe in her hand, and her own body was wrapped in one very similar to it. Clarke walked over and slipped the robe on, eyeing Lexa with appreciation and happiness in her eyes.

“It’s beautiful, Lexa.” She repeated again. “I can’t believe you did this for me.”

“I’m glad you like it.” The brunette murmured as she slipped her hand around Clarke’s waist and pulled her along with her through the balcony door. The rain outside had stopped, and the clouds had parted. Before them lay Polis, shining in the pale moonlight, and Clarke gasped. They were so far up high she could barely see the ground, and yet the sky looked no less closer.

The sky was littered with stars, sparkling and shining down at them like someone had strewn a billion diamonds into the heavens. The air was cool around them, but it was of no matter; the scenery before her was so breathtaking that she forgot anything else existed.

“It’s beautiful, is it not?” Lexa murmured into Clarke’s ear.

“It’s breathtaking.”

“Now you know why it calms me.”

“We’re so far up.” Clarke said, still disbelieved. “We…I’ve been in space, and still I feel like _this_ is the highest I’ve ever been.”

“It seems you were born to live in the Sky, Clarke.” Lexa whispered. “First in space, and now here, with me…in a Tower that touches the Sky.”

Clarke sighed contently. “It’s too perfect to be real. Right?”

Lexa grinned at her, a soft expression on her face. “Let us not tempt fate by worrying about what will come tomorrow. Tonight, we rest together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh man i enjoyed writing this  
> you guys are welcome  
> finished, might continue with a sequel will have to see


	20. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BITCH U THOUGHT I WAS DONE  
> lol no im not rly continuing this im just throwing y'all one last chapter to inform u that the sequel is up and will be updating too  
> enjoy this lil fluffy thing

Raven and Octavia had been so blatantly abandoned by the insufferable pair of Hedas in the throne room, and they were shocked to say the least. It was one thing knowing Clarke and Lexa were involved, and a whole other thing seeing it in action.

“They’re unbelievable.” Octavia scoffed, shaking her head. “I can’t believe—“

“Disgusting.” Raven grumbled, but her voice bore no venom. If anything, she was amused, if not slightly envious of Clarke. “You do realize this is what we’ve signed up for, right? Clarke and Lexa being idiotic love birds and us being left behind to suffer in it’s wake?”

Octavia elbowed her in the ribs. “It’s not so bad. At least we’re not stuck in Arkadia.”

“Yeah. I guess.”

Raven took a few steps towards the door. “So, you want to come?”

Octavia didn’t move. Instead, her eyes were fixed on the throne in the middle of the room.

“Raven, did you bring your camera?”

Raven looked at Octavia, then the throne, and her eyes widened. “You’re not serious.”

“Oh hell yes I am.” Octavia said smugly as she darted over to the throne and promptly set herself in it.

“Are you sure you want me to document this?” Raven asked as she pulled out the camera from her backpack. “It could be used as evidence against you.”

“I’ll keep it hidden.” Octavia shrugged as she threw her leg over the arm of the chair and sprawled out comfortably. “Now take the damn picture before someone comes in and we both get arrested or worse.”

 

* * *

 

 Clarke awoke to soft kisses being littered all along her face and neck. Still comfortably warm and rested, she remained still as Lexa continued caressing her, enjoying the moment more than she’d enjoyed anything.

“I know you’re awake, Clarke,” Lexa murmured amidst kisses, “It’s rude to ignore someone when they’re trying to get your attention.”

Clarke smiled and slowly opened her eyes to find Lexa’s face pressed up against her own. “Morning.”

Lexa sighed contently and pressed her lips against Clarke’s, her body shifting to lay atop Clarke’s as she deepened the kiss. “Did you sleep well?”

“What do you think?”

Lexa only hummed in response. Clarke blinked to properly wake up, and only now noticed that Lexa was wearing clothes. She also lay on top of the furs, not underneath, and what she was wearing were not night-clothes; no, she was wearing her usual Heda attire, and as she glanced over Lexa’s shoulder she saw all her knives and belts, as well as her Commander-sash, laid onto the table.

“What time is it?”

“It’s well into the afternoon.” Lexa smiled. Clarke sat up slowly, her muscles groaning in pain, and let out a few curses under her breath. The ride the day before was certainly taking it's toll on her.

“Sore?” Lexa asked gently. Her hand rested on Clarke’s thigh, her eyes peering into Clarke’s own with a playful and amused look within the clear green.

“Everything hurts.” Clarke grumbled. “It’s the afternoon?”

“Yes.”

“You’ve been somewhere.”

“I had some matters I had to attend to.”

“Do you have any more?”

“No,” Lexa smiled, “I rushed to get through them while you slept.”

“Good.”

“Are you hungry?”

“Starving.” Clarke sighed. “How are Raven and Octavia?”

“I sent Elia and Milah to wake them up. I think half a day is more than enough rest.”

“I hope your handmaidens aren’t the gentle sort. Raven can be brutal in the mornings.” Clarke chuckled. Lexa knitted her eyebrows.

“What do you mean brutal?”

“She is not a morning person.” Clarke explained. “I would never dare to try and wake her up unless it was literally a matter of life and death. And even then I'd hesitate.”

“Milah should be able to handle it.” Lexa mused. “Hopefully, at least.”

Clarke stretched her sore arms and yawned widely. Her stomach was aching it’s emptiness, and she knew she had to get up.

“Can I borrow some of your clothes?” Clarke asked Lexa.

“Wouldn’t you rather wear your own?”

“I didn’t really bring any. I don’t really have any.”

Lexa smirked as she stood up and walked over to a wardrobe that Clarke had failed to notice before. “You certainly do.”

Clarke stood up and walked over to the wardrobe, and saw that it was full of clothes for her.

“I’ve never owned that many clothes in my life.” Clarke said. “I…wow.”

“May I pick something for you?”

Clarke shrugged. “Go ahead.”

Lexa rummaged through a drawer and pulled out a fine set of underwear, pale blue and made of a fine fabric which appeared almost out of place.

“It’s silk.” Lexa explained as Clarke ran her hand over the smooth material. “We buy it from the clans in the East. Put them on.”

Clarke did as asked, and Lexa watched her without even trying to pretend she wasn’t. The pale blue paired perfectly with Clarke’s light skin, and she couldn’t help but marvel at her beauty. But Clarke was in need of actual food and so Lexa stifled her want, stashing it for later.

A while later, they entered the dining room together to find Raven and Octavia sitting at the table which was laden full of just about every imaginable food.

“Morning, Clarke!” Octavia called out, waving a piece of bread in her hand. “Thought you’d died or something.”

Clarke chuckled and sat down next to her, while Lexa took her seat at the end of the table. “From what I hear you two woke up only a little after I did.” Her eyes flickered over to look at Raven, who looked pissed to say the least. “How did you sleep, Raven?”

Raven grumbled something inaudible as she lifted a cup of tea to her lips.

“She’s contemplating murder,” Octavia translated. “Apparently twelve hours of sleep is not enough for Reyes.”

“I take it you slept well, then?” Lexa asked as she reached over for an apple. Octavia and Raven both looked at her in surprise, most likely due to the fact that Lexa’s voice was almost chirpy. They were yet to be introduced to the other side of Lexa.

“Uh, yeah.” Octavia stammered, still eyeing Lexa in surprise and suspicion. “The rooms are really nice.”

“Glad to hear it. You’re not missing anything?”

Clarke saw a flicker in Octavia’s eyes, and had no time to warn Lexa before the girl had already opened her mouth.

“I want to talk about Lincoln.”

Lexa did not seem phased. She set down her apple, sighed, and slowly raised her gaze to meet Octavia’s. “What about him?”

Clarke saw that Octavia was tense to say the least, and certainly ready to be threatening if need be. Lexa, on the other hand, appeared perfectly calm – almost too calm. 

Clarke then became worried.

“I want the kill order to be lifted.”

“That’s it?”

“What else could I want?” Octavia blurted out. Clarke wanted to bury her face in her hands; the second-hand embarrassment was too much.

“I thought you would want his banishment from his Clan overridden as well, seeing as he won’t be able to join you here if he is clanless.” Lexa said nonchalantly as she sipped from her cup.

“You can do that?”

“You forget that I am also the Trikruheda.” Lexa said, almost chuckling at Octavia’s astonishment.

“Is that a yes?”

Lexa shrugged. “I see no reason to antagonize a man who clearly worked hard to redeem himself by working as an unofficial ambassador for the Grounders among the Skaikru.”

Octavia was still staring at her with wide eyes, not sure how to interpret her words.

“Um, Lexa…you might want to actually verbally say it.” Clarke said quietly. “You still haven’t answered her question.”

Lexa glanced at her with her eyebrows raised. “The kill order will be lifted once I get hold of Titus. He will make the arrangements. And as for Lincoln’s banishment, it is no longer in place. He is part of Trikru again.” With that, she resumed eating what to her was a light afternoon snack.

“That was easier than expected.” Raven commented with a gentle elbow to Octavia’s side. “I was sure you two would have a fist fight or something.”

Clarke laughed at the thought, and received a grape tossed at her forehead from Octavia’s direction.

“Oh shut up, O, you can’t judge me for thinking that would be hilarious.” Clarke giggled. She glanced at Lexa and saw her eyebrows were raised, and rolled her eyes. “You, too. Don’t you dare judge me.”

Lexa said nothing, only shrugged in a way that said ‘whatever you say’.

“So, what are we going to do today?” Octavia asked. “Can we go see the city?”

“Have you not looked outside?”

“No?”

“It’s pouring rain, O. I for one am not going _anywhere_ other than maybe my bed.”

“You’re welcome to explore the tower, if you find yourselves bored.” Lexa said nonchalantly. “I can assure you, there is much to see.”

Raven and Octavia exchanged a look. Octavia looked excited to say the least, while Raven looked as though she were ready to murder Lexa for giving the girl the idea which would lead to her being dragged around the tower for the rest of the day.

“Come on, Raven, let’s go. I’m bored.”

“I’m tired.”

“I’ll carry you.”

“You’re tiny.”

“So what?”

Raven groaned. “Fine. Let’s go.”

With that, the two girls left.

Clarke and Lexa remained alone in the large dining room, and for a while, they were both silent.

“What are we going to do today?”

Lexa looked at Clarke with her eyebrows raised. “I cleared my schedule. I have absolutely no intention of leaving my apartments.”

“Then what—“ Clarke began, but realization hit her faster than her words. “Oh.”

“Of course, if my love would rather prefer to do something else…”

Clarke set down her cup and stood up. “Please.”

Lexa chuckled. “I have five nights worth of pleasure awaiting you, Clarke. Five. Nights.”

Clarke shuddered from anticipation and arousal, and couldn’t help herself when she moved over to Lexa’s chair where the brunette remained, still seated. “Won’t you get up?”

Lexa’s arms slipped around her waist and pulled her down, and Clarke suddenly found herself in her lap, straddling Lexa’s hips as lips found her pulse point and a moan emerged from her throat. The thin shirt she wore was discarded within seconds, and Clarke grabbed Lexa’s face roughly as she crashed her lips against the brunette’s.

Raven burst into the room and practically froze when she saw the pair. Her jaw fell open and she found she was unable to tear her eyes away from Clarke and Lexa until she saw Lexa’s hand begin sliding down Clarke’s stomach and she let out a surprised cry which she had not intended to do.

“Oh my god, we were gone less than a minute!” She said quickly before even thinking. Lexa’s eyes burst open and she threw a murderous glare at Raven.

“What are you doing here?”

“I forgot my backpack—“ Raven muttered as she hurriedly grabbed the bag and rushed out of the room and running into Octavia, who looked at her flushed face with curiosity in her eyes.

“What the hell happened?”

“They were—“ Raven gasped, feeling the laughter bubbling up in her chest. “God, O, they were seconds away from full-on fucking and I walked in…”

Octavia let out a snort. “They’re unbelievable.”

“Fucking like bunnies.” Raven managed before giggles left her lips, and she had to bury her face into her backpack to avoid them being heard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> too many of you told me to continue this for me to NOT do it  
> so i guess y'all can thank peer pressure for getting me off my ass to write the sequel so quick  
> but yes the sequel is up it's called "Lead Me" and you can find it under my pen name so go, my children, and read it


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